Contributors

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Grab Bag of Irritation Volume 1

I decided that since I did not have one thing that pissed me off this week to do a whole column on, I would instead write about a number of small things, both current and ongoing, that piss me off on a daily basis.

*Let's start with people running government. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is proof positive that people in this country are getting dumber and dumber. It took him how many hours to open the southbound lane so that traffic conditions would ease the gridlock from the Hurricane Rita exodus? Folks, this is something that me, PL and Crabby could have done in 20 minutes and a few orange cones.

*And speaking of moronic, Mike Brown has resigned from FEMA and is still receiving a paycheck as consultant? Huh? This is the guy who resigned in disgrace after fucking up royally and he is still being paid taxpayer money! Where is all the talk of government waste now?

*Can we please get rid all TV ads which have a cool, techno theme with quiet xylophone being played in the background? You know the ones that show how technology is improving our lives everywhere. I am not up nights worried about how many Bank of America ATMs are located near my house!

*People that are over the age of 18 that play video games are LAME!! Dude (it's mostly guys) take your girl out for a fucking steak and dancing. Show her a good time instead of figuring out how to take your proton blaster tablet to go to level 4 and ignoring her. Getting excited about the fact that a bar has Golden Tee or Big Buck Hunter instead of getting excited about your girlfriend on all fours with her butt up in the air means you have a serious problem.

*People under the age of 55 that like to go to casinos. Are you dead? Go out to a club and see a band. Or see a movie. Better yet, get together with your friends and play cards instead of being a zombie and playing the electronic one armed bandit (See above)

*People who watch poker on TV. I don't think I need to say anything else here.

*People who have the little yellow wristbands for Livestrong. Y'know I am all for cancer research support but how many of these people (mostly guys again) are doing this to look cool at a bar. Show your support for cancer treatments by volunteering your time at a cancer ward for kids or giving your time away with people that are sick.

*Closely related to people who wear yellow wristbands are people who obsessively train for triatholons. They are often the same person. Has anyone heard about his latest craze? Suddenly everyone is really INTO IT. People, you are not going to live the olympic dream at the age of 40. Are you doing it because it is fun or because it is trendy?

Well, that's it for now. Stay tuned for further Grab Bags of Irritation in the future!!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Regarding 18+ dudes who play videogames - they are doing a great job in schools today identifying this malady at a very early age (preschool in many cases). It is on the Autism Spectrum and it is affectionately known as "Geek's Disease" or scientifically as Asperger's Syndrome. My boys are both "Aspy's".

I, too, used to disparage these folks. I now feel for them. I'm not saying that all 18+ gamers are Aspy's, but I bet a large percentage of them are. For those that are, gaming is a way to make a connection with other people, which is a HUGE struggle for them. Checking out a nightclub is a horrific nightmare for these types.

So I say, let 'em play amongst themselves. More power to them. And they keep the economy going!

And for that percentage of 18+ gamers who aren't Aspy's - I suppose they have some other mental deficiency that prevents them from making positive social connections as well. There, but for the grace of Some-Higher-Being-Depending-on-Your-Particular-Brand-of-Spirituality, go I.

Anonymous said...

Wow. As a guy who:
** just recently finished religiously training for inline marathons this year
** has been in a casino more than once, although not to play slots
** watches poker on TV because competition between people is interesting to me

I'm definitely feeling some of your wrath, I guess. In my defense, I didn't precisely qualify for any of the conditions, so maybe I'll just be buffeted by tropical depression-like winds.

If I may add three of my own:
1) People (particularly young people) whose job it apparently is to go on TV and debate politics. If it's a bunch of crusty 70 year old newspaper columnists, I say go for it. But when some 30-something braniac shows up over and over spouting rhetoric from one side or the other, I can't help but feel those brain cells might be put to better use.

2) People who show up on TV as "experts" on the life of so-and-so. "Please welcome our next guest, Sally Smith, an expert of the life of Robert Fulton." Really? Mom must be so proud.

3) People who drive like the woman (sorry ladies) who felt compelled to pull her Jag out onto the road in front of me from the Target parking lot while I was traveling at the posted 45. I appreciated the "oops, sorry" wave after laying on the horn, but that wave doesn't alter the fact that I nearly ended her existence as a consequence of her stupidity. Which wouldn't have been a bad thing, methinks, except for the hassle it would have undoubtedly caused me.

johnwaxey said...

Gaming is a way to blow off steam for me, pure and simple. I live in my world and play in theirs (I am not an ad machine, I am not an ad machine). I don't like going clubbing and I don't go to bars anymore because I would rather do just about anything else beside that. I am almost 40 years old, I have three kids and quite frankly, I don't find that atmosphere stimulating anymore. No apologies will be offered for raising your ire markadelphia. I guess that's what makes life interesting in the big picture, diversity, variety and all that jazz. On all other fronts, I either agree or am a non-participant, although the yellow band thing sounds interesting. My kids got a tubular shaped watch in their edition of "Robots" that just came out. I tried it on, does that count?

John Waxey

Anonymous said...

If you are over the age of 24, playing video games is LAME. Spend time with people.

Also, what’s with these 36 year old guys with little blond highlights in their hair? You aren’t 21 years old anymore – give it up.

Golf is lame. When you were younger you played basketball right? Then your parents probably threw you into soccer because they didn’t want to see you strike out. Then you probably played a year or two of softball in order to have some beers with the guys. Now you play golf. Notice the pattern – YOUR BALLS KEEP GETTING SMALLER! Good job Stretch Nuts.

Nascar sucks too. That’s right all you hicks – I said it. I’d rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than have to sit through a nascar race. I asked a nascar fan how one goes about picking a driver to like and the only thing he came up with was “Oh, what they say and stuff” which led me to conclude that acting skills can go a long way in that arena.

Why is it that every softball team has someone named Matty? So your second baseman is named Matt – try something a little more original. Also, wherever you find a Matty, no doubt you’ll find someone they call Smitty nearby. I’d have a bowl of pubic hair play second base on my team than let anyone that goes by “Matty” or “Smitty” play there.

One thing that brands you an unoriginal loser for life is an armband tattoo – one of those tattoos that wraps around your arm (doesn't matter which design it is). I swear they give those away for free when guys turn 18 anymore – there’s probably a deal worked out with the selective service or something like that. Way to think for yourself loser.

Every reality TV show sucks but you know what sucks more than that? Shows where the male main character is 80 lbs overweight and is a complete dolt who needs some smart woman to “save” him. Lick me.

If you need a Hemi in your vehicle you should be stabbed in the face.

People driving down the highway that camp out in the left lane. Thank God 7 or 8 states have made that illegal, saying you need to be passing someone in order to be in that lane. Close second is people gabbing on their cell phone while cruising down the street. Speaking of that – cell phones in general annoy me. They have their uses indeed but if any of you want to get a hold of me you’ll be getting a hold of me at MY convenience – not YOUR convenience.

Fantasy football is slowly becoming as annoying as negative, jealous ex-jock sports writers. One softball team I know had their second baseman say “no thanks” to playing fall softball with them because he told them “I want to concentrate on fantasy football”. They have fantasy football drafts where people actually go out to a bar, drink up and get rowdy before making their picks. I’ll jam a pair of scissors jammed into my urethra before I start caring how many rushing yards Warrick Dunn has this coming Sunday.