Planet Earth's Best Pal

Our planet is a very special place. We have many wondrous things here, both natural and man made. We have some extraordinary people on this planet.

But you know who I love? Do you know who really warms my heart and makes me feel special? Do you know who I thank God for everyday?


Iranian President mammoth Ahmadinejad (left). What a super guy!

Last October he said that Israel should be wiped off the map. He was quoting the Ayatollah when he added, "And God willing, with the force of God behind it, we shall soon experience a world without the United States and Zionism," according to a quote published by Iran's state news outlet, the Islamic Republic News Agency.

When the world responded angrily, President Ahmadinejad remarked, "They are free to say but their words lack any credit."

A few weeks later he went to say that the holocaust was a myth and that Israel should be moved to Europe or the United States. He expressed doubt that the Nazis actually killed six million Jews and wondered if it was all a ploy by the evil Zionist regime in Israel and America to receive favors with the world.

It's been a long time since Adolph Hitler spoke and I guess he's back. But this time he has nuclear weapons. Super! For those of you who don't know, Iran has broken the seals on the containers in the Natantz nuclear "research" facility and will have the materials to make 4-20 bombs in 2-4 years. Awesome, dude!

I can't wait for the day when a country run by Muslim extremists has the bomb. What a warm and comforting time that will be!!

While we have playing with our dicks in Iraq, accomplishing next to nothing in a conflict that is in no way related to the security of our country, this sad excuse of a human being has been running his fucking mouth all over the joint and I have had it.

President Ahmadinejad, you may recall, was a key figure in the Iranian hostage affair in 1979. Ah, what a special time that was.....an insanely weak, botched rescue attempt followed by a sneaky, under the table deal to trade the hostages for guns and ammo to the Contras (see: Communist Dance Hits of the 80s and More!) Bascially we have had 26 years of inept policy after policy with this country of psychotic and now, aw shucks, I guess we finally have to deal with them.

Or will we? China and Russia are exerting an enormous pressure on us not to do anything because of the oil they get from Iran. Oil, again. Great. Is it just me or is it finally time for our government to:

A. GET A FUCKING CLUE and
B. FIND AN ALTERNATIVE FUEL SOURCE SO WE DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MARWAN EL SUCKDITCH ANYMORE? (File under: Not bloody likely with the Bush Oil Inc. running the show)

Holy Hannah, folks, this situation is completely out of control and I am not at all happy with how our current administration is handling it. They don't seem to be doing anything at all really except sending poor old Scott McLlellan out to announce that President Bush denounces President Ahmadinejad's comments actions.

Well, whoopity fucking doo! So do I , bitch. Big news there!

Here's a thought for the Iranian president: Stop threatening to annihilate countries while producing nuclear fuel or the rest of the world will assume control, through force, of YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY, BITCH!!

I am sorry to those folks out there who thought I was a "kook" liberal peacenik just because I have argued against the War in Iraq. My differences with the administration on Iraq have more to do with prioritizing threats and carrying out missions with the smallest amount of ineptitude possible than with being "against war."

Appeasement in the case of Iran will quite simply not work. We basically need to tell them to cease their volatile activities immediately or their life as they know it will be over. No more mullahs talking smack about the USA....no more masturbation parties whilst watching the WTC attacks....no more firebombing magazines run by women.....and, for that matter, no more getting your jollys out of abusing the shit out of women....all of that will be gone. So sorry!!

It's time for this administration to actually back up all their tough talk. In 2002, President Bush called Iran one of the members of the Axis of Evil and yet has done virtually nothing to stop them from pursuing a course that threatens the entire world. We have let Europe "negotiate" with Iran and look where it has gotten us?

A fanatical leader of an ultra psychotic nation with nuclear bombs. Wonderful. What's next? Letting year after year go by without any real effort to capture Osama bin Laden.

Oh, wait a minute........

Why?

I thought we would take a break from politics and focus on an issue that has left me puzzled of late.

Most of you know that I am a stay at home parent and, as a result, spend most of my time with women. Single moms, married moms, single women all seem to gravitate in my circle of life and I have noticed a peculiar tendency amongst all of these women that I find troubling. Before I state what it is, however, I want to make it clear that I am not singling out any ONE of my female friends. ALL of you are guilty of this, or have been at one time or another, and I would like an explanation.

WHY DO YOU INSISTS UPON DATING OR BEING MARRIED TO THE BIGGEST FUCKING LOSERS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD?

I can't begin to count how many men I have met, especially in the last two years, that are dating fellow school moms, single friends, or are fellow husbands that the word DOUCHEBAG is actually a compliment in reference to them.

This is a problem that has gone on since I was in high school, really. The hot chicks always dated the biggest assholes just because they were jocks or whatever and for some bizarre reason that has carried over to adulthood.

I have heard it defined as the "bad boy" phase but some of these idiots don't have enough energy to put down their video game controllers to cause any trouble. Heck, that would at least make them interesting if they got into a scrap or something. Woman after woman always describes their boyfriend/husband as "sweet" and yet when I meet one of these morons, they have several or all of the following characteristics:

1. Unemployed or in nowhere job
2. Loves Video Games
3. Drinking and/or Drug Problem
4. No Ambition (and that's being kind)
5. No Money and yet finds some for the weekly casino trip
6. No Capacity for Intelligent Thought (aka Dumb as a Sack of Hammers)
7. Fat (aka: can't see girlfriend's butt crack during from-behind action to due to stomach overhang)
8. Extremely Immature (aka never got over being 12 years old.)
9. Thinks George Bush is really smart
10. Has at least one child by ex-girlfriend (birth control? hello!)
11. Verbally abusive (psychotic drunken episodes, weight and hair accusations, etc)
12. Physically abusive (psychotic drunken episodes II: electric boogaloo)
13. Makes ignoring girlfriend/wife an art form
14. Extraordinarily insensitive especially at the most inappropriate times

Ok, so I threw in number 9 just for the hell of it. But the rest? All true. Every single one of them. Ladies, please chime in . Why are you dating or why did you date these men? What do you see in them? How can you let a guy like this put his dick inside of you? Are you flipping nuts, woman? I can't imagine dating any woman that would treat me like that. Fuck 'em in the ear! And yet sadly, most guys that I know, realize that you have to be a complete dick, aloof, and insensitive to score big with the babes., especially the hot ones.

Ladies, do not try to deny this. You know it is true. Because if you are a guy and stuck with the label "nice" when you meet chicks, you might as well plan on getting to know your right hand a whole lot better.

I have my own theory on this so y'all can tell me if there is any truth to it. I think that most women are very insecure. They think they are overweight (hardly ever true), ugly (never, ever true) or stupid (everyone has their own definition of intelligence). Thus, they feel that any guy that is really into them must be a weirdo because "why would anyone like me?" They are more comfortable with a guy who will treat them like shit because they feel they are not worthy. They are used to their own voice putting themselves down so when dickhead makes a comment it feels normal

The reality is that the only thing women should feel insecure about is their insistence upon being with fucko after fucko in their dating career!

Another theory I have is that nice guys automatically fall into the "safety" category. Safety guys are cool but not hot. Friend material but not dateable. Guys that ignore women, are apathetic, and treat women like shit are a challenge, right? Guys like that are sooooo hot, aren't they?

Maybe you will be the one to finally change them. Thank goodness! Or is that you are or were too emotionally challenged and need time to realize that there is nothing actually wrong with sweet guys and they are actually, imagine the miracle, a lot of fun?
Then again, maybe I am looking at this from the wrong side. Is it that the pool of men out there are so bad that you have to settle for someone who is just a slob and a deadbeat as opposed to a slob, a deadbeat, and an abuser?


Men are welcome to chime in but, seriously, I want to see some Comments below from women with a fucking explanation. I am so sick of this and need answers!

Take Out The Papers and The Trash

Ah, the trash in Washington seems to be thicker than normal these days. The Abramoff deal, DeLay stepping down for good, Justice Sunday III: Die Hard With A Vengeance!......things are pretty hot and smelly over in the swamp and it's not from that stomach virus that seems to be going around the country. Remember when Newt Gingrich said he was going to clean up Washington in 1994?

Well, that trash has been replaced by newer, improved, smellier trash with no Democratic version of Gingrich to kick some ass and clean some mother-fucking hizzouse!

Well, I guess that's what I am here for. And you know what is really pissing me off this week? Do you know who is really slinging the stinkiest, sweatiest garbage around? It's our Vice President.

About a two weeks ago, Vice President Cheney (left) said that if wiretaps had been allowed prior to 9-11 that the attacks could have been prevented. He also said that "America has been protected not by luck, but by sensible policy decisions ... by decisive action at home and abroad ... and by round-the-clock efforts on the part of people in law enforcement, intelligence, the military and homeland security."

These comments almost belong in Part Three of Leading the Nation Into Stupidity as it is incredibly misleading and, well, a complete sack of shit. How do I know this? Let's spend a little time taking a look at what the administration was up to in the months leading up to 9-11, shall we?

In May of 2001, Dick Cheney was appointed to lead the United States Terrorism Task Force. The president charged Cheney with assessing the threat of domestic terrorism and generating an administration plan to respond to coordinate government efforts to respond to new threats. Among the issues under discussion were whether the Federal Emergency Management Agency or some other government agency should take the lead in coordinating government responses to terrorist threats or actions. Cheney said he wanted to complete the terrorism task force by October.

According to public records and just about every news source, the Cheney Terrorism Task Force never met once. Not a single time. In fact, Cheney spent the entire month of August 2001 on vacation. Hmm, where have I heard that one before?

So, if terrorism was not a priority in the summer of 2001, what was a priority? Everyone who is now reading this please sit down and remove all potentially harmful objects away from your personage as violent laughter at the following sentence may cause uncontrollable physical spasms.

A Missle Defense System!

Yep, that's right. The Bush Administraton's identified their key issue of the first term as being missle defense. For those of you that longed for the days of the Cold War (see: Over in 1989), a nostalgic return to those thrilling days of yesteryear was in store for America. Hey, if 9-11 hadn't have happened, maybe my children would've been required to watch "Duck and Cover," an educational film on how to protect yourself in the event of a nuclear blast.

Think I am nuts? Well, it just so happens that every major news organization, on Sept 10th, 2001, received a copy of Dr. Condeleeza Rice's (left) national security speech on Bush Administration defense policy . The speech's main theme was to "address the threats and problems of today and the day after, not the world of yesterday "(Cue audio of uproarious audience laughter, please!) The address was designed to promote missile defense as the cornerstone of a new national security strategy, and contained no mention of al Qaeda, Osama bin Laden or Islamic extremist groups, according to former U.S. officials who have seen the text.

The speech was set to be delivered on Sept 11, 2001. It was not.

Apparently the speech also chided the Clinton administration for not addressing the biggest threat to the US: long range ballastic missiles from Communist countries!! "We need to worry about the suitcase bomb, the car bomb and the vial of sarin released in the subway," according to excerpts of the speech provided to The Washington Post. "[But] why put deadbolt locks on your doors and stock up on cans of mace and then decide to leave your windows open?"

Interestingly, all of this jibes with what most administration officials were saying in the months leading up to the attacks. Al Qaeda and Islamic terrorism rated lower on the list of priorities, as outlined by officials in their own public statements on policy. A review of major public pronouncements in the first eight months of 2001 found relatively few extensive statements by Bush, Vice President Cheney or Rice about al Qaeda, bin Laden or other Islamic extremist groups.

So, conservatives, once again, help me out here. I have heard you accuse Clinton of being soft on terrorism and you may have a point. According to the 9-11 commission's report released in June of 2004, he made at least four critical errors in assessing the Al Qaeda threat. Okay, that's fine. Rip away and I will be right there with you.

But missile defense? And Cheney not doing shit with the terrorism task force? These two things alone should illustrate that this administration, from the very beginning, does not have a fucking clue what the hell they are doing. Or doesn't care. I wonder which is worse?

To come out and say that wiretaps would've helped prevent 9-11 is just so thickly brown that even the heaviest duty baby wipe would not be able cleanse away that ass gobling comment. This administration was not and is not concerned about Al Qaeda. They were and are focused on making money for their pals in the defense industry and finding a way to justify a war in Iraq for their pals in the energy industry.

In addition, this administration, particularity Cheney and Rumsfeld, seem bent on destroying any sort of free will in this country in the interest of "national security." I would be willing to wager that this wiretapping, highly dubious in the legal realm of constitutional law, is for another purpose all together. What that purpose is remains to be seen.

I really want to undertand why the conservatives (see: distrustful of Big Government) are suddenly all for this wiretapping. Huh? And, um, lying about having sex with someone is an impeachable offense but possibly breaking constitutional law and abusing the power of the presidency is not? (see: Richard Nixon, 37th President of the United States)

60 million of you elected President Bush in 2004 because you felt that he was a strong leader who would protect you against future terrorist attacks. Based on their own words and actions in the months leading up to 9-11, they were not at all concerned with terrorism. Based on what they have failed to do in the past four years, I wonder how you can listen to Cheney make the above remarks and NOT BE FRUSTRATED!!! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE??!!??

I, for one, am sick of all the garbage coming out of Cheney's mouth the last few months and wonder how a man who got four deferments to stay out of active duty in the Vietnam War has any sort of right at all to speak of how best to protect our country.

Leading The Nation Into Stupidity Part Two

The next bit of unlearning that we need to do is the product of one of my faaaaavorite groups of people: the right wing lobbyists. I have spent much time discussing why the shift to the radical right is dangerous in this country. I have laid much of the blame at this administration for being at the forefront of this conservative drive. Some recent articles and events have made me decide to shift my focus, momentarily, to a group of people who I feel are part of the problem and not part of the solution. For this column, I will be focusing on the intelligent design and creationist cabal.

We here a lot of jabber on this site about how liberal, activist judges are making law. But what about Richard Thompson (left) of the Thomas More Law Center? His mission is to use the courts to "change the culture." Lawyers for the center are defending the school district in Dover, PA which voted last year to require Darwin's theory of evolution to be referred to as "not a fact" in 9th grade biology class.


The Kansas School Board (left)recently approved, 6 to 4, to do much of the same thing. John G West of the Discovery Institute which promotes intelligent design, has been pushing heavily for this in Kansas and is happy to see that their board of education now has "the best science standards in the nation."

Even in my own home state of Minnesota, the Minnetonka School District is considering a change in curriculum to reflect that evolution is a "theory" and not a fact. In addition, intelligent design is being considered as a valid course of study.


Now I know that some of you conservatives will say that these folks are just trying to make a more moral society. I say they are essentially using their power and wealth, along with other like minded people, to make our country as fucking ignorant as possible. That way, you see, they can control society more effectively. People that have access to more knowledge and facts ask questions and wonder why. People that don't have access to this sort of education are easier to manipulate into submission. It's just that simple.

Some conservatives that post here have argued that evolution must be taught in schools while saying at the same time that prayer or saying "under God" in the pledge should be allowed. This seems to be in direct dichotomy to me and this is my talking point for the week. Explain to me, right wingers, how you want to have prayer in schools and yet evolution as well.

Because by arguing for prayer in school, you are emboldening these people to take over an aspect of our lives and my children's lives that should not be touched by belief but by fact. Church is where belief should be taught, discussed, expounded upon etc.....NOT IN SCHOOL!!!

We are allowing religious beliefs to be taught in schools and it just wrong. I have said this before but now I really want an answer. Why? Why do these people feel the need to teach intelligent design in schools? Can't they teach it at church? And you know what is really funny? Some of the most moral people I know don't believe in God at all. Some of the least moral people I know do believe in God.

Maybe the real reason why religious people need to have religious curriculum in schools is because their faith is weak and they need to constantly have it in all aspects of their lives. Any less than that, and (Gasp!) they might give into temptation. And people say that liberals are trying to force things down the country's throat. What a fucking riot that is. Hello Kettle? This is Pot. Guess what? YOU'RE BLACK!!!

It's funny but I don't think that evolution is all true necessarily. I think there are a lot of unaswered questions there and those of you that know me know that I have my own zany theories about the creation of man. But I do believe that there are enough facts that evolution should be taught in schools. Religion should not be taught in schools unless it is a religious school in which case, great!

Well, thankfully, at least the good people of Dover had had enough and voted out ALL of those idiots that were fucking everything up out and elected a whole new school board. And a judge threw out the rule that intelligent design must be taught in schools. I guess there is some hope after all. Laughably, Pat Robertson declared that God would punish the judge and all members of the town for turning their backs on Him. Is Minnetonka, MN next?

Oh and by the way, as of this writing, Dover is still standing.