Monday, December 31, 2007

Vital Information

I thought I would end the year on a fun note. I found this web site which lays to rest all previous thoughts, opinions, and stories about just what exactly is average penis size. There are charts and graphs and all sorts of scientific data to back up the fact that average size is 6. 16 inches.

Girth is 4.84 inches.

Ah, well, it's nice to be .84 inches above average, length wise, but how does one measure girth? Is it similar to when you measure your waist?

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Holiday Greetings

I found this great web site with photos of holidays past. Very funny and hauntingly similar to some photos of my own family.

Over the next few days, I will be putting up small posts here and there. On January 2nd, I will be posting my annual Best of column. The next day, January 3rd, is the Iowa caucus so look forward to daily posts regarding the most exciting election since......well, maybe the last one!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Sad Day

The former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto was assassinated today in Pakistan. She was shot in the neck by an attacker who promptly blew himself up and killed 22 other people at a rally.

As I have said on many, many occasions, the situation in Pakistan is getting worse everyday. It is the most dangerous country on the planet right now and I don't know about you but I don't feel very comfortable in our current leadership's ability to handle what comes next.

If I were president, I would re-deploy at least several thousand troops from Iraq to Afghanistan at best possible speed. Pakistan is a powder keg, ripe for takeover by Al Qaeda. We have got to start addressing this situation seriously.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Holiday Grab Bag

It's been quite some time since I did a Grab Bag and what better time of the year than Christmas?

Well, folks, Markie Claus has got a few things that have really been chewing on his ass over the last few months and I feel, from the bottom of my heart, it's time to share...way past time to share.

In fact, I NEED to share. This stuff has really been building for quite some time (I know! I know! I need to do Grab Bags more often)

So there's quite a bit here...please take your time and as always, post your rants in comments below this post.


I think that I am going to have a card lamented, which I will carry with me at all times in my wallet. This card will be handed to women (unknown to me personally) I have talked to, I am talking with, or could possibly talk to at some point throughout the course of my visits to various places. It will say the following:

Hello. My name is Mark. When I come to (insert name of bar/club/restaurant/shop/etc where we currently are), I enjoy a friendly conversation. This should NEVER be misconstrued for me hitting on you. Therefore, you do not have to mention that you have a boyfriend in the first few minutes or so of me being friendly to you. I assure that you I am not interested in you "that way" at all because of the following:

1. I have filthy, ball draining sex on a regular basis.
2. Many of the orgasms I do have leave me completely drained and in no mood whatsoever for sex.
3. I have no need to hit on women who work at
(insert name of bar/club/restaurant/shop/etc where we currently are) as I can (and have since I was seventeen) have sex with pretty much any woman (or man for that matter) I desire with a minimal amount of effort.
4. I have a large group of female friends, all of whom I love and cherish very much, have known for many years, are very, very hot (I assure you) and would be very interested in sticking their sweet asses up in the air at me (in the way that all women should greet a man) if I were not married. Rest assured, the line is quite long in front of you, so don't flatter yourself.
5. If, at some time throughout the course of the evening, I do flirt with you, I will be extremely obvious about it saying things like..."Hey, you have a nice mouth" or "I wonder what your ass would look like in the reverse cowgirl position. Would you let me spread it so I could really get a nice, open view of you?" Then, AND ONLY THEN, can you mention that you have a boyfriend and tell me some stupid ass story about something incredibly fucking lame you did together recently.
6. Please kindly remove the giant pole you have in your ass and take the time to be friendly to me in return as I can pretty much guarantee you that the simple act of getting to know me will make a positive difference in your life.


People in this country are fucking fat asses. And it's getting worse everyday. It's just that simple. The other day I was walking into Target and I said to myself, "I wonder how long it will take before I see a fat person?" Before I got to the word "wonder" in my head, I saw two porkers walking out of the exit doors. I took another step and I saw someone so incredibly large that they could barely move. In fact, I don't think "walking" would be a word I would use to describe what he was was more of a waddle combined with pained look on his face due to the fact that his enormous weight was preventing him from doing even the most basic of tasks....PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!!!

At a recent holiday meal, I observed members of my extended family stuffing their faces full of food only to curl up in a ball a half hour later and fall 12:30pm during the middle of the day!!! Is this what we have become? A nation of babies that need their num nums and nappys? What a bunch of weak and pathetic simpletons!!

But the real problem is really the snacking. This is where the pork begins. You might be surprised to learn this but the PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) at my daughter's school has an item in its budget for snacks....for themselves!! What the...?? My wife, a member of the PTO's board, questioned the need for this and was pummelled with questions/comments such as:

"WHAT? Don't you like snacks? Who doesn't like snacks?

"They make these meetings more enjoyable."

"Why would YOU want to take them away...huh...huh...HUH?"

"Hey! We need our snacks."

Actually, no you don't fucking need your snacks, fat ass. Take a look in the mirror. What you need is to push yourself away from the shit food you shovel into your mouth, join a gym, and you might live to see your grandchildren. And while you're at it, stop giving your children so many snacks...and bad ones at that. I was recently observing a sixth grade class, for my continuing education, and was stunned to find the instructor, since the children were not allowed to go to music for bad behavior that day, declare that it would be snack time instead. Huh? Great way to reward bad behavior. Oh, and by the way, it was 9:45am for crying out loud!!!

And you wouldn't believe the spreads these kids laid out....chocolate bars, donuts, chips, candy...not one healthy item in sight. No wonder our kids are apathetic. They eat shit on a daily basis and are fat as well. People in this country have got to stop relieving emotional stress by eating. We have become snackoholics, constantly grazing at even the mere thought of anything stressful. It's disgusting. It's weak. And it will ultimately prove to be our downfall.

I am not kidding.


Can we please permanently retire the phrase "Let's Do This" from all films and television programs? I know there is a writer's strike on, folks, but if I hear this phrase one more time, especially if it is at a tense moment when the protagonists are about to propel themselves into a dangerous situation, I will drive a tank to Hollywood, seeking out every writer who has written this line, and introduce them to artillery. And don't try to get cute with me by saying, "Let's Do This Thing" instead. It's the same fucking thing and it is really, really played.


I thought we were done with the whole triathlon thing, like eight years ago and stuff, but apparently not. Over the course of this past summer and fall, I had several guys boast of their triathlon training and competitions. You know what, guys? You are completely full of shit and the only reason why you compete in these things (if you actually do and aren't just saying it to sound cool in front of chicks at bars) is that you want to be like everyone else. You are following a trend. A trend that is way past its time and, quite frankly, way out of your physical capability. Go play a girl's volleyball or tennis.


Those of you who know me personally know that I think cabins are complete waste of time. Apparently so does Patrick Reusse who wrote this hilarious column last June about the anal fisting that is owning and (endlessly) going to a cabin. For me, I would rather be gang raped in prison than take a trip to a cabin. The word "lame" in relation to the word "cabin" is perhaps the largest understatement in the history of understatements. What Reusse accurately describes in his column above barely scratches the surface of the insane bullshit that people go through with cabins.

Why they put up with this is beyond me. Perhaps they are sadists. Or perhaps they are stupid cows who have to do what everyone else does. The very idea of maintaining two homes, spending weekend hours in traffic, and hanging out in a largely rural area with guys named Mel and Willis, discussing their fiendish, weekend plot of overhauling their Camaro makes me want refund my collective meals for the day.

Stunning me even further was the recent statement made by someone I met at a party. We were making the usual small talk when the subject of cabins came up. She asked me if I had one and I said no, with my friends next to me snickering. When she asked why they were laughing, they told her that I hate cabins.


was the loud blast from her mouth. "How can you be a Minnesotan and not like cabins?" I didn't say anything. "You know, Mark, if it wasn't for our cabin, my marriage would be over."

A million flies could have flown into my mouth. She then went on to tell me a long tale of her husband, his laziness, her diligence, and how working on the cabin brought them together. I stopped drinking after that point because alcohol is a depressant and I knew any more liquor would send me into a downward spiral. At least, though, I got to hear one more bit of insanity to add to the mountainous pile of crap that falls under the category "The Cabin and Why We Must Love It (Seig Heil!!)

Add up all the irritation detailed above, multiply it by....oh.....a million and you still wouldn't come close to the level of outright anger I feel when I see this...and I seem to multiple times a week....

Take a look at these two pictures. The top photo is how one is supposed to sit in a car (and it's a CAR, not a fucking "vehicle."Just because you are saying a word with three syllables, doesn't mean you are smart) while you are driving. Now take a look at the photo on the bottom. People who sit like this while they are driving deserve a fucking shovel to the head. Or a ball-peen hammer...whatever is handy.

For the most part, it is men between the ages of 19-28, an age group that already brings new depth and meaning to the word "moron."Man oh man, do they look like gigantic assholes when they sit like this in their cars. I know that y'all think you look cool, all mack daddy and pimped out, when you lean your body to the middle of the front seat in your 1993 Ford Escort but you are, in fact, NOT. You look like a fucking douche bag so do yourself a favor: sit up and drive like a fucking man!!

And if you want to be cool, go contribute something to your community or help out at an old folks home, instead of being another walking (oops! driving) example of how truly mindless, asinine, and imbecilic our country has become.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Calling All Fredheads!!!

Great article on Fred yesterday in the CSM. You all know that I am not a fan but for those of you that are, I think you will like it. It is very well the Monitor always is.

(Yes, I know I am shamelessly plugging the CSM but gol darn it! They actually report the news!!)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Why Am I Not Surprised?

A story today in the CSM details how the Bush Administration, over the last four years or so, controlled what government scientists said about climate change, even going as far as editing reports and purposefully omitting key findings.

I have noticed, over the course of the last year or so, a concerted effort by right wing pundits to go out of their way to find people that don't agree with climate change. Fox News, whenever running stories about climate change, runs a crawl with list of scientists who don't agree that human CO2 emissions are accelerating global warming. They usually tie in to these stories accusations of threats, made by people like Al Gore and the IPCC , to those scientists who don't agree, oddly spinning this fantasy into a realm of complete unreality.

It's quite obvious, and I especially hope so after this report, that the only information doctoring and threats being made are actually by the Bush Administration and conservatives. Ah, I really can't wait until Jan of 2009 when the era of "making shit up, declaring it to be true and anyone who doesn't think so is bent on the destruction of America" is over.

Monday, December 10, 2007

U.S. Versus US

Someone requested this a while back. I decided to spend some time refining it and adding a few things in the mix. So, without further adieu....


1. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad are in power due to the support of religious extremists who want to force people to live their lives a certain way.

2.. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad have one central goal in mind: control the world's oil reserves and reap large profit for their respective countries.

3. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad believe that it is manifest destiny that their way is the RIGHT way.

4. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad seek to eliminate or skew any information, whether it is the media, the education system, or any other outlet of knowledge, that does not go along with this manifest destiny listed in #3.

5. In order to achieve 1-4, both Bush and Ahamadinejad use the logical fallacy of "appeal to fear" on a gullible population to achieve these ends.

6. Both Bush and Ahmadinejad have a irrational fear of homosexuals, leading them to create policies and propagate the belief that it can be "cured." (See: Hitler+Jews=Final Solution)

7. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad could care less about serving their countries' or their people's interests.

8. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad have one central conviction: their own vanity.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Weekend Fun

One of my friends, who goes by the handle hippydippy chick, sent me this nice one.

In case you hadn't heard about this latest Supreme Court decision...

Have you heard the latest?The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas Season.This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol.There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

More Victories

This has been a pretty great week. First, the good guys (on both sides) scored a major victory in regards to Iran. More information about how the NIE report was confirmed is detailed in the Times today. Apparently, our military intelligence got wind of several conversations/arguments between Iranian military personnel. Other intelligence agencies confirmed this as well. I guess there was quite a heated debated in the situation room recently between Cheney and some intelligence officers in regards to whether or not this was a ruse designed to throw us off.

Cooler, more reasoned minds prevailed (i.e. the ones who don't have to continually have to make up for small penis size by bombing people) and hopefully we can have an end to the incessant "appeal to fear" politics we have had for the last seven years.

Oh, and here's a great bit on Ahmadinejad's reaction. Read between the lines on this one. He is not happy. Sure, declaring victory was an easy one to predict but where can he go now? The only support he has he gets from standing up to the "Great Satan." Exactly how is that going to happen now? Hee Hee...I love it.

And of course we have poor President Chavez. Gosh, I hope you all can feel how bad (NOT!) I feel for Short Stuff not being able to declare himself dictator for the rest of his life. What a shame. The look on his face, seen in the link above, when he found out that he wasn't as well loved as he thought...kinda reminded me of another president when he found out Iran had abandoned its nuclear program.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Wind From Their Sails

The Director of National Intelligence has done it again. Gol Darn it all!! He's spoiling everything for all those folks in the White House (and John McCain) who want to bomb Iran. Yesterday saw the release of a NIE (National Intelligence Estimate) on Iran's nuclear capability.

And, oh what a report.

Basically, Iran has abandoned its plans to build a nuclear weapon. The declassified summary states with "high confidence" that they did so in 2003 and, up until mid 2007, have not resumed construction. The report goes onto to say that international diplomatic pressure forced the Iranian government to cease pursuing the goal of a nuclear arsenal.

While they are continuing to produce fissionable material, it is quite obvious that it is going to be used for energy needs. Of course, this doesn't mean that they are ceasing the production of weapons all together. Nor are they declaring to stop assisting various terror groups around the world.

But they are definitely not the grand threat that Bush and Cheney have made them out to be. That ship has sailed. Their dreams of appealing to fear have been dashed and I am skipping with glee!! In other words, the intelligence agencies of our country have called them on their bullshit.

To be clear, Iran is still a problem and needs to be closely monitored. They are a threat, no doubt, and we need to be vigilant. Most importantly, though, we need to be smart. From day one, my biggest gripe about the Bush administration is that they are incredibly incompetent at assessing threats to our country and act in a such a way that it actually makes the problem worse.

One need simply look at how they have handled the 9-11 attacks (pre and post), Iraq, and Katrina to see how poorly they manage crises. Of course, this may have been the intent all along ("See how awful big government is? We need to privatize everything!" aka "Let's help all my pals get rich by forcing miserable people, with no other choice, into serfdom.") and I, for one, am very happy that they won't get this one. And, do you know who else won't?

President Ahmadinejad and the other hard liners of Iran.

See, what I am going to be laughing my ass off about, when I hear all the little neo-fasicists like Michelle Malkin, Bill Kristol, Rush Limbaugh, and some of YOU who post here screaming about how this report is screwed up/a liberal tool/distorted by the liberal media/has already killed several angels in heaven, is how this is a huge victory for us. Why?

1. We have proven to the world that we can penetrate their security with our intelligence apparatus.
2. We have taken the bluster out of Ahmadinejad. His biggest bargaining chip is gone. He has no defense, to speak of really, against regime change, from within or without.
3. They know that we will be watching.

As a result, we can pretty much run the table on them anywhere we want now in the Middle East. Hell, they have already caved on Iraq by ceasing most arm shipments to Iraq and assisting with security. And they look like fools for being the only country in the region to not attend the Annapolis conference on a Israeli-Palestinian solution.

See what happens when you're smart about confronting your enemy. See what happens when you recognize war for what it is: just another political tendril. See how effective forceful diplomacy can truly be. Now, imagine what is going to happen when President Obama takes us all to the next level.

I can't wait.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Well Well Well...

Yesterday's Vikings game was yet another example of me being wrong...and loving every minute of it!! Maybe I was a little harsh on ol' Chilly. Damn, did they look good yesterday.

I have to tell you all-if Peterson stays healthy, they can play with anyone. Jackson is coming around at QB. I love that new wide receiver, Allison. And the defense seems to be hitting and sticking teams into submission.

In looking at the remainder of the Cardinal's and Lion's schedules, I really like the Vikes chances at a playoff berth. The game that worries me the most, of the next four, is San Francisco. We always fall asleep to the easy teams. Here's hoping that we put another 40+ points on the board!!