Monday, February 27, 2006

Safe Port From the Storm?

On March 2nd, Dubai Ports World, a company actually owned by the United Arab Emirates, will take over management of the following ports in the United States: New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, New Orleans, Miami and Philadelphia. What this means is that the answer to the question How Stupid is the Bush Administration just got revised from "Fucking Dumb" downward to "Insanely Moronic."

I have said from the very beginning of this blog that President Bush and his administration put corporate opportunity ahead of the security of this nation. No one believed me and called me a "liberal kook."

Well now it seems as plain as day that finally he has gone too far and people on the right and left are wondering what the hell he is doing. Newspapers, talk radio and all the major news networks are all scratching their heads and wondering what asylum would make President Bush most comfortable for the remainder of his presidency. To me, this is old news.

Time and again, I have shown the financial links between the Saudis (aka home to 15 of the 19 9-11 hijackers) and the Bush family and how this is detrimental to our homeland security. Here again, we have another example of President Bush and pals' Middle Eastern business interests taking a front seat to the safety of our nation.

People have always asked me which of Bush's "pals" are making all this money. Well look no further than our own Treasury Secretary, John Snow (left). His office chairs the The Committee on Foreign Investment which reviewed this transaction and did not object. Why in the world did they not object to a country, which has harbored and assisted terrorism in the past, administering six of our nation's ports?

Because John Snow (left) happens to be good old buddies with DPW. He just happened to sell his old company, SXW Freight, to them for a hefty profit. Why not help them help themselves to our nation's ports, eh? Maybe, just maybe, some more greenbacks are headed his way....

And yet, according to him, apparently I am a racist for questioning this deal and I must hate Muslims. But the fact is that it wouldn't matter what country it was if they had the same questionable history as the UAE. Let's take a look at the UAE (United Arab Emirates), shall we?

Two of the 9-11 hijackers had passports from the UAE. One of them had money funneled through the national bank there. The UAE was also an important transfer point for shipments of smuggled nuclear components sent to Iran, North Korea and Libya by a Pakistani scientist, the father of the Islamic Bomb, Abdul Qadeer Khan.

And, to top it all off, here is what the 9-11 commission report had to say on pgs. 137-138:

"Early in 1999...Bin Ladin was reportedly located in the vicinity of the Sheikh Ali camp, a desert hunting camp being used by visitors from a Gulf State. Public sources have stated that these visitors were from the United Arab Emirates....On March 7, 1999 (Richard) Clarke called a UAE official to express his concerns about possible associations between Emirati officials and Bin Ladin......The United Arab Emirates was becoming both a valued counterterrorism ally of the United States and a persistent counterterrorism problem.

From 1999 through early 2001, the United States , and President Clinton personally, pressed the UAE, one of the Taliban's only travel and financial outlets to the outside world, to break off its ties and enforce sanctions, especially those relating to flights to and from Afghanistan. These efforts achieved little before 9-11"

Well that's just great! Here's an idea! Let's put this country in charge of our ports, OK? Are you fucking kidding me? Has the President lost his mind?

He actually thinks that's it's all "hunky dory." He says that lawmakers who have called for the deal to be blocked need to "step up and explain why a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard," he said. "I don't understand why it's OK for a British company to operate our ports but not a company from the Middle East when we've already determined security is not an issue," Bush told reporters aboard Air Force One.

Well, Mr President, it doesn't matter that they are from an Arab country. They could be Finnish for all I care but if they provided financial and logistical support to terrorists than they should NOT be put in charge of our ports. These people are known associates of bin Laden. What is the matter with you?

We all know that we are really, really weak on our nation's ports. The 9-11 Commission cited example after example of the poor security at many of these ports, especially New York. My God, can you imagine a country, that has turned a blind eye to Muslim extremism, being in charge of the port of New York City? And Newark? Let's just put a big sign on the Statue of Liberty with an arrow that says, "Please place Nuclear Weapon Here!"

Thank goodness, though, that this deal has the thumb up of Michael Chertoff, Director of Homeland Security. "We make sure there are assurances in place, in general, sufficient to satisfy us that the deal is appropriate from a national security standpoint," Chertoff told ABC's "This Week." I, for one, feel sooooo much better that the man who handled the Hurricane Katrina crisis so well has put his seal of approval on the deal.

And speaking of approval, isn't it odd that the normal 45 day waiting period for such a transaction was waived and the presidential panel greenlighted all matters related to the sale? Not so odd, apparently, because under a secretive agreement with the administration, DPW promised to cooperate with U.S. investigations as a condition of its takeover of operations at the six major American ports, according to documents obtained by The Associated Press.

And how about this one? In approving the $6.8 billion purchase, the administration chose not to require state-owned Dubai Ports World to keep copies of its business records on U.S. soil.

The U.S. government also chose not to impose other, routine restrictions.

Excuse Me?

Folks, I am really at a loss on this one. I didn't think it was possible for Bush Co. to be this moronic. Not to mention how idiotic this is politically for him. He has just taken the one area of his presidency, National Security, that he has always polled strong on (Lord knows why) and flushed it down the toilet. He has made the Democrats look to the right of him which essentially hands them a huge mallet they can hit the Republicans over the head with for the next 2 years. Can anyone say President Hillary Clinton?

I am so shocked by this that the only thing that will make me MORE surprised is if DPW will actually assume control of these ports on Thursday of this week. Because of the outrage from the entire country on this issue, DPW has offered to delay assuming official control of each port.

DP World said it would not delay, however, its acquisition of Britain's P&O company, which now manages the ports. And that becomes official on Thursday so what does all this mean?

Hell, if I know. Maybe you can help me out.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Hey Kids! Get Your Guns Right Here!

This has been waaaaaaaaaayy too long in coming. I have wanted to write a column about the NRA since I started the blog. But I really didn't have a focal point until I got a call from my mom telling me what the NRA was up to in her hometown. My mother has been an elementary school principal in Wisconsin for the last 16 years and a teacher for 11 years before that. She has always approached the education of students in a kind, loving, and constructive sort of fashion.

So when the National Rifle Association decided it would be really cool if their Eddie Eagle coloring books be distributed in her school, my mom said no way.

"I have a real concern of having children coloring guns," said Sharon J. Campbell, principal of Jones Elementary School, who reviewed some of the Eddie Eagle material. "I'm not sure a coloring book is the best way to teach gun safety." Others feel the same.

Alderman Pete Karas is leading the charge against the books. Among the evidence for his concerns was a 2002 study by the American Academy of Pediatrics that found the Eddie Eagle program was "effective for teaching children to reproduce verbally the gun safety message," but that many children didn't act out the lessons in role-playing games.

In fact, 1999 TV news report from ABC's "20/20" suggested the full Eddie Eagle program, which includes the coloring books, didn't work. In the report, of 20 children who completed the gun-safety training, 17 found guns in a test. Of the 17 who found the guns, three called police; the others played with the guns."I am more convinced than ever that not only is this program ineffective, but also harmful to our children," Karas said.

And, if that weren't enough, Wisconsin, in its every expanding vision of making itself even more like a southern state, has decided to lower the age from 12 to 8 years old allowing children to legally hunt. Eight! That's only two years older than my oldest child and the thought of her handling a gun.....yikes!!

If there is one area where we, as a country, are unbelievably stupid, it's guns. And when I say guns, for the purpose of this column, I am excluding hunting rifles and shotguns. Even though they can be dangerous, they are legitimately used for sport. Everything else is just bloody ridiculous.

I want to go on the record and say that I think the NRA is the largest collection of assholes ever organized and assembled. Of all the lobbying groups in the country, I can safely say that I fucking hate them with all of my heart and soul AND they represent everything that I loathe about this country.

They are a group of paranoid, fear-mongers who can't get it up without their guns. They make Richard Nixon look mentally balanced. "From my cold dead hands...." means what exactly? I can't function in society without my gun? Does it mean that "I am so afraid that 'they's a comin' that I need to have my gun?" Oh my gun! OHHHH!! I must have it and caress it and fondle it until I ejaculate in my pants!

People that proudly wip out their NRA cards at parties are quite honestly the biggest turnoffs since God invented cold showers. I have seen this happen a few times and let me tell ya, it really makes the ladies all hot and wet......NOT!!

You might ask me, though, hey Mark! I thought you were a military hawk and yet you hate the NRA? What the??!?? That doesn't make any sense at all. Actually it does, buckaroo, and here's why.

To quote one of my favorite Americans, General Wesley Clark, "Ordinary Americans have no business owning any kind of gun, other than rifles and shotguns, for sport. If someone NEEDS to have an Uzi, handgun or an assault rifle, then they should get themselves a pair of boots and see me. I have a job for them."

Of course, most NRA pussies would probably shart themselves if saw any real kind of action and are quite happy and content to fantasize about killing their neighborhood niggers than actually doing something brave like serving their country. No, won't catch any NRA chickenhawks actually fighting for their country. They are content to swill Busch light, watch fucking NASCAR, and scream about the liberal homos that are trying to "destroy" their homes.

I don't have any problems with guns, per se, if they are in the hands of professionally trained people like Army rangers or police officers. I think we will ALL agree, however, that most of the people that have guns in this country are FUCKING MORONS and will end up shooting themselves or someone they love. Statistics don't lie....just ask any police officer. And you can start with a friend of mine who happens to be a Hennepin Country Sheriff. He'll tell you that if less people had less guns then his job would be a whole lot easier.

Maybe the NRA should direct its Eddie Eagle coloring book campaign about gun safety at our vice president. For those of you who don't know, Vice President Cheney (left) accidentally sprayed one his companions in the face with bird shot on a hunting exhibition last week. Oh well, if he hadn't have gotten those four deferments in Vietnam, maybe he would have learned how to handle firearms .

Anyway, I guess now that the NRA has made my mom's life more strained than it already is, I need to make it another one my missions in life to reveal the NRA for what they truly are: a bunch of fear-mongering, mouth-breathers who don't know the first thing about the word bravery. Hey that sounds a lot like the neo-con douchebags that are currently running our country! What a coincidence.....

Hey, NRA goons....if you need to get an erection, lose the gun, dude. Just use porn like everyone else. I recommend the "Caught From Behind" series from the 1980s. Very educational.....

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Looney Toons

Well, I guess the greatest threat to our planet today is, of all things, cartoons. For the last two weeks many countries, including our own United States, have gone, as many mental health professionals would call it, totally ape shit over the printing of a certain set of cartoons and one very funny picture. The first group of cartoons took a somewhat negative look at the Muslim religion. The second cartoon took a somewhat negative look at our secretary of Defense.

I thought all the cartoons were dead on the money and you should all know that I laughed my frikkin' ass right off my self when I saw them. And the reactions from everyone else were......frightening and hilarious.

Ah, the Muslims. You just gotta love that culture. Check out the picture on the left. "Behead those who insult Islam?" Yes, yes, yes. I know. It's just the radicalized minority, right? Well, let's see. There are 1 billion Muslims in the world and if only 1 percent of those are radicalized then that's only 10 million people. Whew! I'm relieved!!

Sure, I know we aren't perfect in America. As a matter of fact, we can be downright stupid assholes a lot of the time. But I don't think I have ever seen, here in the US, such a grotesque display of violence over CARTOONS as has gone on in the last two weeks across Europe and the Middle East.

One of the cartoons depicted Mohammed with a bomb on his head instead of a turban. Isn't it funny that that is EXACTLY what happened? They started blowing shit up! Talk about self fulfilling prophecy! For those of you who thought I was racist when it came to Muslim fanaticism, well, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I was RIGHT and you were WRONG!

You gotta think twice about a culture that tramples hundreds of people to death in religious fervor AND gets so bent out of shape over a fucking cartoon that people are killed, maimed, and buildings are burned. Sorry, folks, but if we really allow these psychotics to own a nuclear weapon, we can pretty much kiss the world as we know it buh-bye!!!

And here's a question for the Muslim population of the world: how can you expect us to be tolerant of your religion when you are COMPLETELY INTOLERANT OF EVERYONE ELSE'S RELIGION?

Basically these people are rabid lunatics and need to be put down. And here's the deal to all of you "moderate" Muslims out there: get with the fucking program and police these animals or we will do it for you. It is your problem and, if we have to do something about it, I don't think you will be all that happy with the WAY it is done. Why don't you start by enforcing these basic rules?

YOU are not allowed to declare death sentences on cartoonists or writers for that matter if they happen to say something you don't agree with. YOU are not allowed to beat the shit out of women and treat them like cattle. YOU will understand freedom of expression because it is coming soon to a theater near you........whether you like it or not.

In 2008, hopefully, we will have a President that will actually have the balls (or ovaries!) to stand up to your fanatical bullshit (i.e. not be financially beholden to you) and your life, as you know it, will be over.

And if all of you out there think for a second that I am out of my mind, last week an Iranian newspaper announced it is holding a contest to see which Muslim cartoonist can make fun of the Holocaust most effectively!


Whew. Now that I have gotten that out of my system.....let's turn to the other side of the "Evil Cartoons A'gin Us" news...

The cartoon on your left caused much uproar over the last couple of weeks, particularity with the right wing talk show host set (aka funny zoo animals making funny noises).

Apparently this cartoon is disrepsectful to our troops. I think that it is pretty appropiate and fucking hilarious. I have talked with several men and women who have come back from Iraq. I know one that is currently at Camp Victory, a navy man, and he says that the lack of appropiate supplies and complete shortage of intelligence (i.e. planning) is par for the course in this war which makes this cartoon sadly accurate.

I will tell you, however, what IS disrepsectful to our troops. Our president recently paid a visit to Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antoino Texas. His comments, which are available for your perusal on the White House Web Site, were truly irreverent piles of garbage .

Basically, he made a joke that he himself had been in combat recently....with a cedar tree!....and he won! But he got a scratch. Aww..... so I guess HE was wounded just like the rest of the troops there.

Oh my Lord. A cut from clearing brush just totally compares with the soldiers around him with lacerations, broken bones, and missing limbs. What a toolbox. You really gotta hand it to ol' Shecky Bush. He sure knows how to slay an audience.

I guess what really cracks me up about this one is how all the neo-con douchebags got all bent out of shape about the Rumsfeld cartoon and yet the Muslim one is OK. Huh? They are both OK because it is called freedom of the press, bitch! You don't like it? Don't read it!! It's just classic conservative spin doctoring bullshit to call Tom Tole, the creator of the Rumsfeld cartoon, a traitor to his country.

So, by that logic, then all of the Congressional Republicans that bitched during the Bosnian Conflct should all be branded traitors as well. Right?

Anyhoo, I know that I, for one, am sooo happy that the human beings on this world are wasting precious time and energy yelling, throwing rocks, burning buildings, and killing people over cartoons when they could be spending that time and money feeding, housing and caring for their fellow man.

Well, at least we have the NRA to teach our children about the joy of guns. Whoops! That's next week's column...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Sex Machines

Sunday, January 22nd, marked a pivotal day in our country's history. 33 years ago on that day the landmark court case, Roe V Wade, was handed down from the Supreme Courty which essentially said that states do not have the right to outlaw abortions. The next day, tens of thousands of protesters marched on Washington, expressing their outrage over a law that they feel is morally wrong.

They seemed like they might need some help finding a fix for their problem and I have decided that I am their man! I scanned all of the newspapers, watched the TV coverage, and looked all over the Internet for a solution for the Pro Life movement. It took me a long time and countless hours of sweating but I finally found out what they need to win their war on abortion.


That's right, folks. Ol Doc Campbell has come up with a simple solution to the abortion issue and that is that everyone who is against unwanted pregnancy should begin educating the nation, starting at a very early age, how to use FUCKING CONTRACEPTIVES!!!!!!!!! Not only should we educate our nation on birth control but we should also make it easily accessible for everyone and economically attainable for those less fortunate.

Oh wait, everyone on the left is trying to do that and everyone on the right is constantly trying to prevent them from doing so. Why?

Because conservatives feel that abstinence is the best way to prevent unwanted pregnancies. (cue uproarious laughter)

Hey neo-cons, abstinence is a medieval fantasy. Start doing something constructive if you are so against abortion. Instead of marching on Washington, how about starting a condom program at your local high school? It seems pretty obvious to me that this would really help reduce abortions and yet you are adamantly against this. Why do you continually thwart every move the left makes to ACTUALLY prevent unwanted pregnancies?

Well, I don't really have the answer to these questions and many others in this area so I went to an expert. Guess what? She is as confounded as I am!

"You would think it would be a 'no-brainer',"says Kathleen Murphy, Director of Public Policy for the Midwest Health Center for Women, "but people who are pro-life are of the mind that if they bury their head in the sand, the problem will go away."

Ms. Murphy informed me that groups like the Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life have no "official" stand on birth control.

Excuse Me?

Note to conservative uptight fuckstick: PEOPLE LIKE TO FUCK. They will continue to do it. It's in our nature and one could argue that, since God created us to be horny, it is His will as well. I know it's tough because you consider yourselves to KNOW what God wants from His people on Earth but you really don't have a frikkin' clue.

And you know what else? You are NOT allowed to be the judge of other peoples sex lives, especially mine because I really don't want to have sex exclusively in the missionary position for the rest of my life.....maybe the doggy style position (being an ass man and all)....but definitely not missionary!

Ms. Murphy thinks the solution lies in three areas: education, accessibility, and economic assistance. "We just had our budget cut by $200,000 due to the Pawlenty Administration's re-classifying us as a lower priority clinic. This is more than likely due to the fact that we are the only not-for-profit clinic that provides abortions in Hennepin County."

"If we don't have the funds, we can't help people, not only with abortions but with basic health issues," she went on to say, "it's just that simple."

She went on to tell me that last year 14,000 abortions were performed in the state of Minnesota. In her opinion, that number could be reduced by at least 50 percent if more education about birth control was provided to women in this state.

People who are pro life have got it all wrong. If they really want to reduce unwanted pregnancy in this country, they should be handing out condoms in schools and going into poor communities armed with contraceptives rather than trying to prevent these things from happening.

They should be talking about sex in an open, friendly way and not pretending like it doesn't exist or shaming people into being afraid of it. Look at this picture on the left and imagine yourself as a teenager trying to figure out how you feel about sex. These are adults who are supposed to be role models and make young people feel comfortable about sex? Good lord.....

Sadly, probably no one on the right will be up for this. I spent a few minutes on the MCCL's web site and for a Pro-Life joint they sure have a lot of writings on death and misery. Of course, is it really all that surprising that they use the same type of language that other conservaties do, based around fear and complete fucking ignorance? And where is the section on birth control?

Most folks on the right are going to put their blinders on and only listen to the one source that they trust: The Bible. Let's take a look at what the Bible says about abortion, shall we? In Exodus, the law is pretty clear that if you smite your father or mother, the penalty is death. But in Exodus 22, we have the following:

"If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine."

This is the only mention, in the entire Bible, of what rights an unborn fetus has and it is pretty clear to me that it is monetary compensation. I am not saying I agree with this. It actually sounds pretty horrible. But I am saying that there is no passage in the Bible whatsoever that says that abortion is a sin.

People that are militant Pro-Life have invented a fantasy that is largely based on an outdated psychotic belief system. Nellie Gray, the president of March for Life, the group that organized the rally last week, said reversing Roe was this year's theme. Speaking to the crowd in fiery tones, Ms. Gray predicted that the United States would hold the equivalent of Nuremburg trials for "feminist abortionists," calling support for a woman's right to choose "crimes against humanity." "Roe v. Wade has brutalized our country," she said. "The feminist abortionists, look at the evil they are doing. From that will come an accountability."

So, what does this mean? As if our courts weren't taxed enough, now tens of thousands of women are going to put on trial? What a fucking nutter! But the best quote was our beloved president who, since he took office, was conveniently out of town on Jan 22nd.

"You believe as I do that every human life has value (except when I send them to die in a needless war for corporate profit or when I judge them, as God would want me to, to be evil and destroyed) ," Mr. Bush said, "that the strong have a duty to protect the weak (unless they are poor because poor people suck), and that the self-evident truths of the Declaration of Independence apply to everyone (except the fucking faggots who are sinners) , not just to those considered healthy or wanted or convenient. These principles call us to defend the sick(except for the 40 million people in this country who don't have health insurance because I want my golf buddies in the health care and pharmaceutical industry to get richer) and the dying, persons with disabilities and birth defects, and all who are weak and vulnerable, especially unborn children."

"By changing laws," he added, "we can change our culture." (unless you are a liberal activist judge in which case you can't legislate from the bench. Only conservative judges can legislate from the bench.)

"The Pro-Life Movement thinks that organizations like Planned Parenthood are leaders of the so called 'abortion industry'," says Ms. Murphy, "but it is just not true. They are doing the most in our state and nationwide to prevent abortions through family planning and birth control education. Abortions only constitute 2 percent of the services they offer."

So, pro-lifers, are you ready to remove your heads from the sand and face reality? Or are you going to continue to allow more abortions to occur by continuing to block funding for places like the Midwest Health Center for Women?

Because the truth is that there ARE solutions out there. Pull your heads out of the sand, please, and join the rest us in the 21st Century.