Sex Machines

Sunday, January 22nd, marked a pivotal day in our country's history. 33 years ago on that day the landmark court case, Roe V Wade, was handed down from the Supreme Courty which essentially said that states do not have the right to outlaw abortions. The next day, tens of thousands of protesters marched on Washington, expressing their outrage over a law that they feel is morally wrong.

They seemed like they might need some help finding a fix for their problem and I have decided that I am their man! I scanned all of the newspapers, watched the TV coverage, and looked all over the Internet for a solution for the Pro Life movement. It took me a long time and countless hours of sweating but I finally found out what they need to win their war on abortion.

BIRTH CONTROL!

That's right, folks. Ol Doc Campbell has come up with a simple solution to the abortion issue and that is that everyone who is against unwanted pregnancy should begin educating the nation, starting at a very early age, how to use FUCKING CONTRACEPTIVES!!!!!!!!! Not only should we educate our nation on birth control but we should also make it easily accessible for everyone and economically attainable for those less fortunate.

Oh wait, everyone on the left is trying to do that and everyone on the right is constantly trying to prevent them from doing so. Why?

Because conservatives feel that abstinence is the best way to prevent unwanted pregnancies. (cue uproarious laughter)

Hey neo-cons, abstinence is a medieval fantasy. Start doing something constructive if you are so against abortion. Instead of marching on Washington, how about starting a condom program at your local high school? It seems pretty obvious to me that this would really help reduce abortions and yet you are adamantly against this. Why do you continually thwart every move the left makes to ACTUALLY prevent unwanted pregnancies?

Well, I don't really have the answer to these questions and many others in this area so I went to an expert. Guess what? She is as confounded as I am!

"You would think it would be a 'no-brainer',"says Kathleen Murphy, Director of Public Policy for the Midwest Health Center for Women, "but people who are pro-life are of the mind that if they bury their head in the sand, the problem will go away."

Ms. Murphy informed me that groups like the Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life have no "official" stand on birth control.

Excuse Me?

Note to conservative uptight fuckstick: PEOPLE LIKE TO FUCK. They will continue to do it. It's in our nature and one could argue that, since God created us to be horny, it is His will as well. I know it's tough because you consider yourselves to KNOW what God wants from His people on Earth but you really don't have a frikkin' clue.

And you know what else? You are NOT allowed to be the judge of other peoples sex lives, especially mine because I really don't want to have sex exclusively in the missionary position for the rest of my life.....maybe the doggy style position (being an ass man and all)....but definitely not missionary!


Ms. Murphy thinks the solution lies in three areas: education, accessibility, and economic assistance. "We just had our budget cut by $200,000 due to the Pawlenty Administration's re-classifying us as a lower priority clinic. This is more than likely due to the fact that we are the only not-for-profit clinic that provides abortions in Hennepin County."

"If we don't have the funds, we can't help people, not only with abortions but with basic health issues," she went on to say, "it's just that simple."

She went on to tell me that last year 14,000 abortions were performed in the state of Minnesota. In her opinion, that number could be reduced by at least 50 percent if more education about birth control was provided to women in this state.

People who are pro life have got it all wrong. If they really want to reduce unwanted pregnancy in this country, they should be handing out condoms in schools and going into poor communities armed with contraceptives rather than trying to prevent these things from happening.

They should be talking about sex in an open, friendly way and not pretending like it doesn't exist or shaming people into being afraid of it. Look at this picture on the left and imagine yourself as a teenager trying to figure out how you feel about sex. These are adults who are supposed to be role models and make young people feel comfortable about sex? Good lord.....

Sadly, probably no one on the right will be up for this. I spent a few minutes on the MCCL's web site and for a Pro-Life joint they sure have a lot of writings on death and misery. Of course, is it really all that surprising that they use the same type of language that other conservaties do, based around fear and complete fucking ignorance? And where is the section on birth control?

Most folks on the right are going to put their blinders on and only listen to the one source that they trust: The Bible. Let's take a look at what the Bible says about abortion, shall we? In Exodus, the law is pretty clear that if you smite your father or mother, the penalty is death. But in Exodus 22, we have the following:

"If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine."

This is the only mention, in the entire Bible, of what rights an unborn fetus has and it is pretty clear to me that it is monetary compensation. I am not saying I agree with this. It actually sounds pretty horrible. But I am saying that there is no passage in the Bible whatsoever that says that abortion is a sin.

People that are militant Pro-Life have invented a fantasy that is largely based on an outdated psychotic belief system. Nellie Gray, the president of March for Life, the group that organized the rally last week, said reversing Roe was this year's theme. Speaking to the crowd in fiery tones, Ms. Gray predicted that the United States would hold the equivalent of Nuremburg trials for "feminist abortionists," calling support for a woman's right to choose "crimes against humanity." "Roe v. Wade has brutalized our country," she said. "The feminist abortionists, look at the evil they are doing. From that will come an accountability."

So, what does this mean? As if our courts weren't taxed enough, now tens of thousands of women are going to put on trial? What a fucking nutter! But the best quote was our beloved president who, since he took office, was conveniently out of town on Jan 22nd.

"You believe as I do that every human life has value (except when I send them to die in a needless war for corporate profit or when I judge them, as God would want me to, to be evil and destroyed) ," Mr. Bush said, "that the strong have a duty to protect the weak (unless they are poor because poor people suck), and that the self-evident truths of the Declaration of Independence apply to everyone (except the fucking faggots who are sinners) , not just to those considered healthy or wanted or convenient. These principles call us to defend the sick(except for the 40 million people in this country who don't have health insurance because I want my golf buddies in the health care and pharmaceutical industry to get richer) and the dying, persons with disabilities and birth defects, and all who are weak and vulnerable, especially unborn children."

"By changing laws," he added, "we can change our culture." (unless you are a liberal activist judge in which case you can't legislate from the bench. Only conservative judges can legislate from the bench.)

"The Pro-Life Movement thinks that organizations like Planned Parenthood are leaders of the so called 'abortion industry'," says Ms. Murphy, "but it is just not true. They are doing the most in our state and nationwide to prevent abortions through family planning and birth control education. Abortions only constitute 2 percent of the services they offer."

So, pro-lifers, are you ready to remove your heads from the sand and face reality? Or are you going to continue to allow more abortions to occur by continuing to block funding for places like the Midwest Health Center for Women?

Because the truth is that there ARE solutions out there. Pull your heads out of the sand, please, and join the rest us in the 21st Century.