It's bad enough that we here in Minnesota have to deal with our two seasons of road construction and road construction. In addition, we seem to have developed a new form of idiot on our avenues: the road speed monitor. Recently, I was traveling west on Highway 3 (Excelsior Blvd). For the ninety nine thousdandth time, the person traveling directly in front of me (always miraculously taking the exact same route I am ) was annoyingly going ten miles under the speed limit (35 in a 45). When I finally could pass him, I did, and he started honking his horn spastically and pulled up to me at the next light. "Slow Down," he yelled. "Go the speed limit, at least, you oafish Minnesotan driving buffoon!!," I yelled back. Ok, I just said the first part but I was thinking the rest.
Minnesota has the worst drivers in the history of the world. Most people in this state ARE slow-witted, oafish buffoons and I really want to hurt them. I am not a violent man but the desire to inflict a large amount of pain on fellow drivers occurs to me when I see the unbearably common practice on our highways of slowing down to....GAWK AT OTHER CARS SLOWING DOWN!!!!! ARGH!!!! And, of course, the ever increasing amounts of traffic usually lends itself to further drive the collective blood pressures of the citizens of the seven county metro area through the roof.There is one thing, however, that I can no longer tolerate in regards to the fine art of motoring. I want it to end. I need it to end and I hope that, beginning with this column, all of you readers will begin to help me stop it. We all know what it is. We see it everyday.
People driving in the left lane, at a slow pace, when they are not passing.
Just typing the last sentence made my blood pressure go up 10 points. All of you know how much I loathe the current administration. You have seen and heard me rant about it endlessly. How much I despise Bush Co is but a small thimble full of hate compared to how I feel about all of those fucking cock-sucking shit asses who drive their cars in the left lane when they are not passing.(Side rant: Yeah, that's right. I call them CARS not vehicles. People who call their cars "vehicles" are fucking douchebags. What's with all the fancy smancy words and shit? It's a fucking car...leave it at that.)
The fact that driving in the left lane has created a cute name in this state....The Minnesota Wedge...makes it even more irritating. I have spent time asking people about this and, while many express frustration, others laugh about it or even defend it. There is no laughing or defending this shit. It is completely and utterly inexcusable . People that drive in the left lane at a slow pace, and not passing, should be put in jail. 30 days minimum.
More than one time I have asked someone why people use the left lane on our highways for something other than passing and they have said the following:
"Well...hee hee....we all like to drive together here in Minnesota!"
I hear this and well....hee hee....in my mind, the following happens....
Mark moves quickly to garage to retrieve shovel. He walks back to the fucking suckditch that just made that comment. He swings said shovel, Albert Pujols like, smacking the fucking suckditch in the face.
Of course, this is highly illegal and I would never actually do this....probably.....mostly.....more than likely I would not hit anyone in the face with a shovel. Even if they have no fucking clue how to drive a car.
Now, being a stay at home dad, I probably don't drive as much as y'all but here is one, small, simple, non-violent solution. Go to your document creation program on your computer. Print out one page, in Times New Roman Size 60 that says:
SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT
And when you see someone driving at a slow pace in the left lane, pull up next to them, honk your horn and hold up your sign proudly. Maybe we can start a trend or even a phenomenon. Think of it. Our state will become like I-94 in Wisconsin with the left lane clear and free as far as the eye can see.......unless, of course, their are any Minnesotans traveling through.
So, please, help me. I don't ask for much and God knows I give you all so much joy and happiness with my weekly columns. Stop this outrage from continuing.
Clear out our left lanes!!!
29 comments:
Love the Post Mark!
I remember taking a road trip to Racine, Wisconsin with a very opinionated young man who though it would be very fun to have a sign in his car that he could flash people like this. It would read "Slow Traffic Keep Right!" Every time you had to pass one of these idiot sludge-nutz on the right, you would just press your sign on the window as you pass by with heavy hand pressed down firmly in the middle of the steering wheel.
Stephp
Is "driving slow in the left lane" a metaphor for today's liberals? I think it could be...
I freely admit to ignorance on the next issue...obviously, if I knew the answer I wouldn't be asking the question. But since I'm far too lazy to spend any time looking up the information, I thought I'd throw it out there.
Does anybody know if, in general, the multitude of "left lane" laws that are being instituted apply to all roads that have two+ lanes of traffic or only those roads that are commonly called freeways?
I ask that just to clarify an issue raised in Markadelphia's posting. He starts out with "traveling down Highway 3 (Excelsior Blvd)..." I'm not aware of any definition of "highway" that would include Excelsior Blvd, so I was left puzzling over whether or not the person in this situation would have a legal obligation to move right. Don't get me wrong - I am 100% with Markadelphia on the person being obligated to, at the very least, drive the speed limit when in the left lane. Just wondering what the "letter of the law" is. (In my neck of the woods, a lot of roads with two traffic lanes have people turning left without the benefit of a turn lane, which makes the whole concept of "slower traffic keep right" moot.)
Is part of the problem that the process of teaching people to drive doesn't require freeway evaluation? (At least it didn't when I went through driver's ed.) Seems silly to me that a person can get a driver's license without being evaluated on how well they merge, signalling when changing lanes, not lingering in the left lane, etc. Don't know the stats, but speaking for myself I spend the majority of my driving time on the freeway, so it certainly stands to reason that I should be evaluated on how well I do that. Particularly considering the consequences to life, limb, and traffic flow if I do those things poorly.
The law states that the left lane is for passing only. In many other states, 50 dollar fines are handed out regularly for people who sit in the left lane when they are not passing. They HAVE to move over if someone comes up from behind them and is passing faster. In this state, however, even though the law is on the books the same as it is in other states, the highway patrol would be so overwhelmed with handing out 50 dollar tickets that more serious driving offenses would be ignored.
I used the Highway 3 story to illustrate the "road speed monitor" phenomenon not the left lane baloney.
First, Excelsior is County Road 3, not Highway 3. As I recall, from Minnepolis through most of St. Louis Park the limit is 30 or 35. It varies between 35 and 40 for the rest of its length out to 101, with a short 45-mph stretch that is a single lane in each direction between Shady Oak and Baker Road. Exactly where did this incident take place?
Second, I'll be the first to say that people driving the speed limit or slower should be in the right-hand lane. But your call for action on the highways is only going to make a bad situation worse.
Many highways have a major design flaw: left exits. This means that, if you're getting off on the left, you need to be in the left-hand lane. Also, as you may recall from your driver's ed days, you're supposed to get into your lane well ahead of time so that you don't have to jam in at the last second and cut someone off.
So someone driving the speed limit in the left lane may have a completely legitimate reason to do so. If the guy who sparked your tirade was going to turn left soon, you may well have been the dork in this picture.
Your exhortation to action is ill-considered. Most drivers consider being honked at the equivalent of getting punched in the face. And holding up a sign will only further infuriate them. Do we need to ratchet road rage up a notch?
When you see someone being an idiot, get away from him as quietly and quickly as possible. Remember, that idiot is driving thousands of pounds of metal and glass down the road. Do you want it aimed at you?
The real problem isn't that there are people driving slowly in the left lane. It's that they're driving way too much and way too fast. Most cars on the road have a single driver. Americans are 4% of the world's population, yet we use 25% of the world's petroleum. Yeah, that's right: we use gas six times as much gas as the average human being. We drive 70-75 mph instead of 55 mph, using 20-30% more gas due to wind resistance. We drive giant cars that get 10 mpg. And now that gas is three bucks a gallon we're more than a little cranky. (I know you drive a smaller car, Mark: I'm talking about the collective "we".)
Car companies constantly inundate us with ads that tell us driving is fun, driving is freedom, driving makes us manly. When our experience runs counter to our expectations -- which is every time we drive at rush hour -- we get frustrated.
In reality, driving is a drag, a waste of gas. People drive faster than their reaction time. People follow closer than the required braking distance. People drive and talk on cell phones. People drive and fiddle with the radio or change CDs. People drive and put on makeup, take out their curlers and eat Big Macs.
These are bigger problems than a few jerks going the speed limit in the left lane.
All the bitching aside, there are things that would help these problems. All states should retest drivers periodically. A road test for everyone would be too expensive, but laws change often enough that a short written test should be required at license renewal, emphasizing recent changes in law and issues such as driving slowly in the left lane.
Also, anyone older than 65 should have to take a road and written test every time they renew their license (in addition to the vision test that most states now require). There are people driving now who never took a driver's test, and that just ain't right. Some old people simply shouldn't be driving.
If we all paid more attention to our own driving and quit whining about what the other idiots are doing, traffic would flow a lot more smoothly.
Oh, and my pet peeve: people who can't manage to drive within the lines painted on the road. Didn't their parents teach them about coloring books?
Wow - you know what pisses me off on the roads? Assholes who think that I am invisible. They merge to within 3 inches of your bumper - as if you aren't even there. These jerks drive as if they are the only ones on the road - as if we'll all just move out of their way. Sometimes you can actually see the traffic part for them like a wake behind a motor boat.
However, ratcheting up the anger on the roads is pointless. I suggest finding a "happy place" while in your car. You cannot control how other people drive. Why are you letting it affect your health? Go with the flow, don't be a jerk, get where you're headed safely and give yourself plenty of time because you never know when you'll get stuck behind any of the morons previously mentioned in this post.
Or you could be like Eddie Griffin of the T-Wolves and watch porn on a portable DVD player and masturbate while you drive. I guess he's found his happy place.
And that is the second irratation about Minnesota drivers....the "make way for me" attitude they have when merging...fuckers..
Hey, BLK, the Excelsior Blvd thing was ONLY in reference to the road speed monitor not the left lane deal. He was in front of me, between Shady Oak and Baker, doing 35 in a 45.
I believe in driving in whatever lane I I feel like driving for however long I feel like doing it! Screw the laws and other peoples hurt feelings and anger.
LONG LIVE ANARCHY ON THE ROADS!
Hey Mark,
Your President is going to be next door to where I work tomorrow. We just got a little pep talk from the Secret Service today, as a matter of fact.
You should have a perfect view from my office window, if you want to stop by and bask in the aura.
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