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Monday, January 09, 2017

Trump Names Jared Kushner Head Babysitter

WASHINGTON — Jared Kushner will assume the duties of head babysitter to his father-in-law, Donald J. Trump, who will become president of the United States in just ten days.

Mr. Kushner, in an interview with Breitbart News, said he prefers the term "minder," because it more accurately reflects his duties. This will mostly consist of reminding Mr. Trump of what what he has already been told, keeping him from wandering out of meetings, cutting him off when he starts talking about women's breasts and vaginas, making sure he gets regular potty breaks, and dabbing the drool from his perpetually protruding pouting lower lip.

Mr. Kushner will also have the politically sensitive task of keeping track of what Mr. Trump knows, when he knew it, and most importantly, when he stopped knowing it, to ensure deniability in the conflict of interest scandals already under way with several foreign governments and businesses.

Software developers are said to be working on an iPhone app to help Mr. Kushner with this monumental task.

Mr. Kushner will be taking over head babysitter duties from his wife, Ivanka, who did it during the early days of the transition, sitting in on meetings and phone calls with foreign leaders. According to Breitbart, Ms. Trump decided against continuing as head babysitter because her father kept making lewd remarks about her various body parts and no longer seemed to remember she was his daughter.

Mr. Trump has been suffering from early onset Alzheimer's for several years now. Symptoms include:
    • Lack of sleep.
    • Inability to remember what he said only hours before. 
    • Wild fantasies and fabrication of events that never occurred.
    • Short temper.
    • Inability to learn new skills, such as working with technology.
    • Fear of new places, such as the White House, and an attachment disorder to Trump Towers and the Trump jet.
    • Difficulty reading and speaking, which he does at only a sixth-grade level.
    • Lack of focus and concentation: his mind wanders whenever he speaks, causing him to go off on wild tangents and forgetting what he was talking about in the first place.
    • Poor judgment and bullying, impatient, childlike behavior.
    • Extreme emotionality: Mr. Trump is thin-skinned, taking offense at any and every perceived slight, no matter how minor, and constantly resorting to childish threats and retaliation.
      Though these signs of dementia were evident during the entire presidential campaign, Mr. Trump managed to win the a majority of electoral college votes (but losing the popular vote by almost three million) through a concerted campaign of computer hacking, fake news, propaganda and disinformation orchestrated by his joint campaign managers Steven Bannon, Vladimir Putin and Julian Assange.

      As a show of solidarity with regular working-class Americans, Mr. Kushner will accept a salary of $15.34 an hour, the same as an average New York babysitter.

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