Holiday Grab Bag

It's been way too long since I did a Grab Bag. To be honest, since my guy won the election I haven't really felt the urge to be mean. Sure, I have noticed things that have driven me up a mother fucking tree but any such annoyances are quickly washed away by uttering the magic three words:

President Elect Obama.

But, as luck would have it, the last couple of weeks have been extra special bowls of Campbell Soup so I think I now have just the right combination of venom, irritation, and semen to revisit some of the things that have really pissed me recently. Happy Christmas!

THE J WORD

A friend of mine and I were walking through the Eden Prairie Mall recently and having a conversation. We passed by a mother and two kids, roughly around 9 and 7.

Friend: I can't stand that guy.
Mark: Yeah, he's a real jerk.
9 Year Old: Gasp! Mommy, he said the J word!
Mommy: Just move away quickly from that serial rapist/murderer, son. Get away! GET AWAY! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

As they scurried away in apparent fear, I wondered to my friend if the J word really meant the word jerk. "Beats me," he replied. I passed the whole thing off as me misreading things...as I often do:)

About a week later, I was at the Big 10-a restaurant here in Minneapolis. There was a family of five eating dinner and I was by myself-grabbing one of their great subs while studying. One of the kids said that he heard another kid at school use the J word. The dad told his son that the kid who uttered that word would be thrown into a boiling pit of sewage for eternal damnation. The smallest of the three kids asked quite loudly, "What's the J word?" To which the mother whispered, loud enough so I could hear, "Jerk. And don't you ever use that word or call anyone that. Keep your voice down."

Being the person that you all know and love, I turned to them and asked, "Since when is the word 'jerk' such a bad word?"

The parents looked at me as if I had just asked their children to videotape their mom swallowing one of their Dad's bowel movements (coming directly out of his butt and into her mouth) while I fucked her in the ass.

After they recovered from their astonishment, they replied, "The J Word is the meanest word in the world. It is a terrible, awful word that no one should ever EVER use. Please leave us alone."

I turned back to my homework, not dignifying them with a response and shaking my head at the sad fucking state our society has become. Now, I know for sure that there are plenty of you who laughed your asses off at what I wrote two paragraphs above this one. To be certain, there is one woman in Aurora, Illinois who just peed her pants. But there are probably many of you out there who were massively offended at what I wrote. By our society's standards, it was, in fact, offensive. I have no problem with that.

But....the J word? Really?

Have we become so vanilla, so PC, so terribly lame that we can't even call someone a jerk anymore? The word is universally accepted everywhere...even in G rated movies or films from the 1940s for cripes sakes....as being alright to call someone who cuts in front of you in line. Or steals a kid's ice cream cone. Or who won't use the butt crack to wipe it off before it goes back up into her mouth. Or who laughs at you when you are trying to push your car out of the snow.

Well, maybe the third one on the above list is more a common courtesy issue than jerk behavior but you get my point. I am so sick of this culture and its completely ridiculous and massively uptight rules about language. I feel like I am being shackled and thrown into an ever shrinking prison cell of what is acceptable discourse and I fucking hate it. Words can be made into anything they want. Say the word 'fuck' enough and it loses its appeal. I use it all the time and I don't have a single thought about it. It's just a word and it can mean anything you want it to mean.

Take, for example, the word 'chair.' In a recent discussion with an abnormally uptight individual who gets his jollies heaping and piling more restrictions on language, I told him that every time I said the word chair, I thought of a giant cock going into a big fat chick's ass. I then proceeded to say the word chair seventeen times over the course of the next two minutes. He became flabbergasted and cried, "I'll never use the word chair again" to which I replied,

"See? Now you know how I feel."

MEN THAT WON'T DO WHAT?

A couple of summers ago, I fixed up a female friend of mine (very hot) with a male friend of mine. About a month and a half into the relationship, she called me up and said, "What the fuck is up with your boy?" I asked her what she meant. "He won't fuck me." She then continued to tell me that he just liked to cuddle and kiss.

Now, normally I have no problem with this...some people like to wait. He just didn't seem the type, though, and when I asked him if he liked my friend and thought she was hot, he said, "Oh, yeah." Okkkkkaaaayyy....

Bit by bit over the course of the last two years, I have had woman after woman complain to me that their boyfriends/husbands/dates don't fuck them. Some go weeks...months...even YEARS without having their man make love to them. Excuse me?

In fact, it has gotten to be so many women (at least a couple dozen), that I'd like to know if I have slipped into an alternate universe...a universe where men are fucking lame. It goes without saying that women have traditionally been the ones to withhold sex. The fact that it continues is a bummer but a sadly universally accepted truth. But men? As I heard story after story, the rage inside of me began to build.

What the fuck is the matter with these d bags!!!???

Perhaps it is for religious reasons although none of the men I have met who have this problem strike me as church goers.

Perhaps they are gay and don't know it. Fine. Go suck some cock and stop wasting your time fucking with hot chick's minds.

Or perhaps (and very likely) it has to do with video games, the easy chair, the flat screen, fantasy football, Mountain Dew, Coors Light and mother fucking Cheetos. Men are just flat out lazy and have gotten use to a lifestyle that requires minimal or no effort. There seems to be no set age range in this group of twats. I have had woman complain about these men in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s. I have talked to some of these men and they offer many excuses.

"I'm just tired. It's too much effort."
"I really need a nap when I get home from work and then after that I am just shot."
"I just got a new video game."
"My fantasy football league had a late meeting and I ate too many cheese sticks."
"I'm hungry."
"Waaaah."

Believe it or not, this barely scratches the surface of the problem. There is also a group of men, mainly ages 19-29, who refuse to eat pussy. I know...I know...please calm down. You might have to be calm for me because right after I wrote the second sentence of this paragraph I wanted to go out to the garage and get my shovel for an Albert Pujols swing right to the forehead of these suckditches.

Apparently, they just think it's gross or have a general principle (largely generated by social pressure) not to do it. To say that this offends me as man, as a lover, as a devotee of chowing box is the understatement of the fucking millennium. If you don't eat pussy, you are a suckwad. If you don't take care of your woman, you are a complete loser.

Dude, it's a chick's ass and vag...is there anything hotter?

If anyone has any other ideas as to why this disturbing new trend of men being mega lame is occurring, please post them in comments because, even with the ideas listed above, I still don't fucking get it.

WHEELS ON BACKPACKS

I was at the gym the other day and I saw a woman wheeling her tennis bag behind her. In her small bag was....one tennis racket...and as far as I could see that was it. Now I suppose it is slightly possible that she had a 20 pound weight in there but really the bag was so small (it looked like a child's bag) that I'm sure she just had some tennis balls maybe and some personal items.

At my children's school, I see kids with backpacks that have wheels on them. Sure, some might have heavy books but (cue grumpy old man voice) when I was a kid, we carried our heavy backpacks on our back. Have we become so lazy in this culture that we now have to wheel minimally weighted bags around like it's a 50 pound suitcase packed for a week long trip to Hawaii?

The answer is yes....yes we have.

And people wonder why America is falling behind in the world.

VISORS

Look at this geek. Is there a way to gather all of the visors in the world and burn them? Visors are fucking stupid. About the only group of people that can pull of visors are women, especially the ones with long hair.

Men of any shape or size should not be wearing a visor. The fat bald ones who wear them look like morons. Bottom line (re: George Carlin): it's half a hat. Take it back to the store, say you were ripped off, and buy a real fucking baseball cap.

Dorkwad.


LANYARDS

I guess the new millennial look for 17-21 year old women is in and it is this: T Shirt (preferably athletic themed), men's athletic shorts (preferably knee length), sandals (even in winter), hair tied up, and a fucking stupid ass lanyard around their necks with their keys, ID, iPod, birth control, lipstick, and whatever else they can fit on their because they don't have any pockets in their shorts and don't want to carry a purse so they can look all tricked out with that 'just come from the gym or pool' look.

There was a period of time a few months back when, quite literally, every young woman I met looked exactly like this. It was as if they had been churned out in a factory....manufactured by the thousands. Whatever happened to originality? It was murdered...killed by the lanyard!

And finally, for those of you who have commented to me in the past (via email, comments, phone calls, or personal contact) that I need to be more positive...have no fear! I may be extra curmudgeonly of late but I still plan on putting up my annual Best of 2008 before the end of the year.

Stay Tuned!