Who The Heck Are These Guys?

You may have noticed (and will notice in the next couple of weeks) that, in my Presidential Profiles series, I am not covering everyone. If you scroll back and take a look at the last four and then look at the next seven I will be putting up over the course of the next week or so, there are some folks missing. When I decided to run this series, my first rule was that they had to announce, officially, that they were running. They also had to be someone with whom I was familiar. But some people have commented that perhaps I should cover, at least briefly, all of the dogs in the hunt, so to speak.

So I thought we would start off this week with quick takes of those people that are not running but sort of are running and those people who are relatively unknown but running. Without further adieu, here they are:

THE REPUBLICANS (Officially Announced)

Tom Tancredo-hates all illegal immigrants to the point of blowing a bowel every time the topic comes up.

Tommy Thompson-former Secretary of Health and Human Services. Incorrectly identified anthrax attack, Bush lapdog, from Wisconsin (that's an extra strike so four total).

Duncan Hunter-My friend Bob likes him.

Ron Paul-Never, under any circumstances, trust any man with two first names for a name.

Jim Gilmore-I have no idea what to say here. Who?

THE REPUBLICANS (Not officially announced)

Fred Thompson-was great in Die Hard II, although I don't care for him much in Law and Order. Oh wait...his politics. Yeah, how about someone with intellectual curiosity? We have, after all, suffered six plus years without it. Also, dude, decide already. As it stands right now, you are about 30 million dollars and counting in the hole.

Newt Gingrich-(cough...excuse me for a moment...cough cough...) Bwa-hah ha-ha....what did you spend six years bitching about when Clinton was in office? And what did you then do yourself? Fuck off, dickhead.

Chuck Hagel-The best of the bunch. I wish he would get in the race. His stance on Iraq, no nonsense look at big government, and his plain civics would make him an immediate B in my mind. Run, Charlie, Run!!!

THE DEMOCRATS (announced)

Chris Dodd-Uh.....no.

Mike Gravel-Ah, the libertarian of the bunch. And he's weird and from Alaska. There are some things I like about him but does anyone but me even know what he looks like?

THE DEMOCRATS (unannounced)

Al Gore-hey, conservatives, guess what? Al Gore has been trying to make that house (you know the one you have been having embolism after embolism about for the last couple of months because he won an Oscar and since you all suffer from collective short man syndrome and can't stand it when a liberal is ahead of you on something...) of his green but can't due to zoning restrictions in Tennessee. Oh..wait...sorry...what do I think of him as a candidate? Well, he won the presidency once so maybe he could win it again.

Wes Clark-the mother fucking stud of the bunch. Best line ever (to the gun lobby): "Ordinary Americans have no business owning assault rifles. If someone wants to own an assault rifle, then should get themselves a pair of boots and come and see me. I have a job for them." Of everyone here and mostly everyone in my series, I trust him completely to find a solution in Iraq. I am, however, a little iffy on his domestic policies such as health care and education.

So, there you have it. If I have left anyone out, please let me know. As always, I welcome your comments.

Tuesday: Mitt Romney.