Grab Bag

It's high time for another Grab Bag...I hope you enjoy it

McFuck Off!!
A couple of weeks ago, I was out with a couple of my female friends clubbing. A hot guy walked by and one of the girls turned to turned to the other and said, "Whew! He is a Nasty McHottie!"

Would someone please explain to me the current desire people have to put "Mc" into every single flargin' dumb ass, cute little nickname?

McDreamy, McSteamy, McShasta.....I am going McCrazy here!!! Putting "Mc" in front of any sort of name, noun or any other word makes you sound like you....spend too much time at McDonalds. Please cease and desist with this ridiculous tomfoolery.

I don't think I can take it anymore.



No More Babies
Will all of you please join me in a letter writing campaign to every single TV news network to beg them to stop airing stories about couples who have quintuplets, sextuplets, septuplets or any other insanely silly amount of children at one time?

I am so underwhelemed (to the point of being ecstatic at finding a cure for insomnia) when I turn on the TV and see the latest story of two pasty mouth-breathers who have had 9 kids at once. And while we are at it, can we beg them to PLEASE stop airing conjoined twins stories. I didn't like it when Barnum made a spectacle out of them and I really don't like it now.

The Pace Car
Lately, I have noticed on our lovely highways a new phenemenon: the driver who takes maniacal glee in setting the pace for all of the rest of us. Traveling South on Shady Oak Road recently, a car pulled out in front of me from McDonalds (probably someone who uses "Mc" in cute little nicknames) and then proceded to make sure that he went 30 in a mickey frickin' 40. A line of cars built up behind me, with people honking, at which time he proceded to flip us all the bird. When it widened to two lanes, he purposely moved to stay in front of all of us and continue to go slow. He turned around several times to laugh at the seven or so cars in line. At first I thought he was just a psycho but I have since seen and heard of similar incidents. In fact, a friend of a friend said she enjoyed going slower in front of a bunch of people just to "slow everyone down and relax." I don't know about all of you but I really don't have the time to jack off in my car all fucking day so if you are a "Pace Car," you are a dick.

It's All In The Name
The Democrats should change their name. They should also declare that they are no longer "liberals" as that name has gotten so much bad PR. Their new name should be the Progressive Party of America and they should demand to be referred to as "humanists" and not liberals. All references to Democrats or liberals (and of course all the chiding) would become antiquated and a new paradigm would be born.

Neocons frustration level would be at an all time high. Think of Ann Coulter or Sean Hannity saying, "Well, the Democrats...oops, I mean the Progressives or whatever they are calling themselves now...have done it again with blah blah..." Most Americans would flip the channel before neoncons could even make their point...if they actually had one to begin with.....

The TU Brigade
And finally, sorry ladies, but the jig is up and I am on to you. ALL of you. Over my years of experience with the opposite sex, I have noticed that several of you have expressed a certain reticence with the "from behind" position also quaintly know as doggy style. Just so we are clear, by doggy style I mean vaginal sex from behind, not anal sex.

The universal excuse I have heard over the years is, "Well, I have what's called a tipped uterus so that position makes me uncomfortable." While a tipped uterus can be common in women, this simple fact (according to three doctors I polled along with several ladies) does not mean that doggy style sex should be or is uncomfortable. One particular women I polled has a tipped uterus and likes to have her ass pounded regularly in that position. It happens to be her favorite. Anyway, I am tired of hearing this baloney from you girls. Perhaps your man is too large or you are too tight but there is no medical reason, like a tipped uterus or anything else, for doggy style sex to be uncomfortable. There is, of course, the mental/emotional/psychological one:

The fact that you think you have a fat ass.

First of all, in my opinion, unless your ass is as big as the one pictured at left, chances are you have nothing to worry about. In fact, most women I know think that their butts are too big when, in fact, they look quite yummy to me. Interestingly, all of the women who have told me that they have tipped uteruses (and thus don't like doggy style) ALL have bigger butts which proves my theory to be true. I think that you girls have decided that we men are stupid and you could pull a fast one on us.

Well, we are stupid but that's not the point. You think that you can throw some fancy shmancy female anatomical wizardry at us and then we'll just give up the greatest position in the history of sex? Do you think we are just going to go along with that? Dude, seriously, you have got to get over that "I have a fat ass so I am going to tell a bunch of lies, bullshit and he is a dumb ass male so he will beleive me" thing. Enough with the dishonesty.

Stick that booty up in the air and let your fella rock out!! I can guarentee that he will love it....no matter how "big"you think you are. So, sorry, gals, but it's not going to be that easy anymore. I pride myself on knowing more about female anatomy than every man I know and even most women. I am hear to tell everyone that having a tipped uterus does not automatically and anatomically mean that doggy style is uncomfortable. I will be singing this FACT to the highest mountains and shattering your little ploy of misinformation.

If you don't like to get fucked from behind, just say you don't like it. Or, better yet, talk to your man about why you don't like it and see if he is willing to lift up that left butt cheek with his right hand and put his left hand underneath to work that clit a little bit. This simple action will make you believe in God.

And then maybe then you can learn to enjoy that position.