How many times has this happened to you?
You are at a party or some sort of social situation and you meet someone you don't know. The first words out of your mouth or theirs are, "So, what do you do?" And then the conversation proceeds down the tedious path of each job that you do on a daily basis, how much of a "bear" it is, and how you can't wait to get a vacation.
Setting aside the fact that most of this nation is on permanent vacation (more on that later), Americans seem to love to define themselves by what they do. I have had many discussions regarding this topic with our very own Crabmaster Scratch, currently known as Last In Line. It may surprise all of you to know that both of us are in complete agreement: defining yourself by your means of employment is fucking lame.
A job is not who you are, particularly with so many Americans hating their jobs (more on that later as well). When I think of Crab, I don't think of his work for a medical parts company. I think of softball, salsa dancing, martinis, girls, guns, and his secret life with MI-6.
Well, OK..the last four are someone else but I think you get my point. I am sick and tired of people in this country playing the 'what do you do' game when the meet someone. It is shallow, trivial, and half the time the person they are talking to isn't even listening anyway.
Far be it from, though, to bitch and not offer a solution. I just started doing this recently and the response I have gotten has been overwhelmingly positive. When you first meet someone and that moment comes when you feel the urge to say, "What do you do?" instead say this:
Tell me a story.
At first they might look a little baffled (or uptight if they live in Minnesota), but if you explain to them why you are asking this, that you are much more interested in that part of life that makes them human, interesting, and exciting, they usually open up. Heck, it can even be a story about their job! People love to hear and tell stories and what better way to break the ice than with a tale?
Give this a try and make sure that when you do, you tell them to pass it on and really get it out there. If I have to sit through another shit eatingly boring story about someone's dumb ass job, which they don't really want to talk about anyway, I will go insane.
12 comments:
Although I can agree with you on some levels, overall I’m not sure.
We go to school and college; devoting most of our educational life to finding that which we wish to do. We then spend more time on a daily/weekly/yearly basis doing said job; spending more time with our coworkers and customers than we do with our family. Now, unless we all quit our jobs, move to the hills and live off the land, our occupations are very self-defining. It is what we are and what we have chosen to be. How else should we be defined? I met you at a party of mutual friends and the first words out of your mouth were politically argumentative. Other friends of mine who’ve met you concur. Is that how you’d rather be defined?
Now, I may want to be defined as family man, all-around good guy and sportsman extraordinaire, but I’m not sure without mentioning occupation that it encompasses me…
Good thought, though...may give the story line a try...
I think you can still bring the job thing into the fold, if that is how you wish to be defined, and still tell a story. The point I am driving at here is to get people to talk about what interests them. If it is their job, so be it.
I would like to be defined as politically involved. Argumentative? Well, I know I am and I guess I would say that is a fault. I have gotten better over the years but it is in my nature to enjoy debate.
I think my nature is changing, though, and it is my hope that my dickishness will be greatly diminished.
This is the type of column I would like to see more of, mc. You have a very precious gift of being able to get in touch with people's pathos and write about it. Your vitriol gets in the way at times and prevents your from being more than you can possibly imagine.
I have only this to say, as I will be there in just over two weeks:
Burning Man
But even that is hardly the only thing that defines me; it's just foremost on my mind at the moment (and I'm too lazy to write more).
I had a friend who completely identified his positive image though his job. He was successful in sales earning over 300,000 a year for more than ten years. He quit his job to start his own business since his previous employer tried to reduce his commission rate. At the ripe age of 43, his industry has become obsolete, his business bankrupt and cannot find a job that will pay him anything he finds acceptable.
His current identification is “a looser” (not what others think of him), and is very depressed. I didn’t realize how strong his job identification was.
Juris is going to Burning Man? Wow. Very cool....
Anon, good story. There are many people who probably have had this happen to them. I am pretty certain that this person does not have an adequate support group in place to show him how much more he can be.
Let's face it: lots of American's are work-a-holics - it's all about keeping up with the Jones’. That’s how a lot of people judge each other nowadays. I judge people by the richness of their experiences (in addition to how they treat people who can’t do anything for them).
A lot of it comes down to the mindless materialism that is rampant these days. It’s my opinion that lots of people are desperate to try to cover up their emotional nakedness with stuff. They believe that more stuff leads to better self-esteem. They believe that people are actually impressed by the stuff they show off and they hope that if they show off enough stuff, somebody will actually come along and "love" them for it and they will "fit in" (whatever that entails). Lots of people seem to need affirmation from other people that their "stuff" is great and therefore, they are valuable as a person. The more somebody engages in an extremely materialistic lifestyle, the more they commit their identity to it and it becomes that much harder for them to find the courage or fortitude to ever change that lifestyle no matter how much it fails them. Many people spend so much time and money trying to appear wealthy that they are damaging (or destroying) their prospects of actually becoming wealthy. Lots of people are spending thousands on that giant LCD so by golly everyone else has to have one too. Don’t get me wrong – I’d never tell anyone what kind of tv they should buy but I just wonder how many of those people buy those really expensive things so they can watch other people live life. I’m not saying I’m above all that materialism – I’m just indifferent to it.
The men who I’ve known that are the most successful with women are the ones that don't restructure their lives based on the "Chicks dig (insert trend here)" philosophy. Think about it, guys that are preoccupied with whether or not thier life choices will meet with women's approval are more likely to send off the vibe of trying too hard, which ironically, chicks don't dig. Think about what you want to do with your life, with your time, and then go do it. Don't let it revolve around what you think the opposite sex wants.
Does anyone ever lay on their deathbed looking back at their life and thinking "Man that was such a great backsplash I installed in my kitchen back in 2008!" If someone disagrees with this line of thinking, I guess people will just have to live with the fact that they will be on their deathbed someday thinking "Why did I go to Europe for a whole month with my family when I could have had that 6 burner professional chef quality gas range with a built-in pancake griddle!". For me, experiences are what money is for.
Also, learn to define yourself by your own terms, not those of parents, friends, co-workers, magazine cover people, MTV or anyone else. Develop a strong internal sense of self worth rather than relying on a bunch of external factors to boost bullshit ego games (aka growing up). It is useless to try and derive validation from anybody else but yourself. For self-confidence to be truly valid, there has to be substance to back it up. Who you are, what you've accomplished, how you conduct yourself. It has to be consistent across the board and it has to reflect who you really are. That takes guts to face up to. IMO, people would be happier if they would live life on their own terms and not worry whether what they were doing was cool, or how so and so would feel about it. For me, true confidence isn't about people pounding their chest and shouting out to the world about how great they are. It's something deeply intrinsic, subdued and reflected in the way they go about in life. Again, it's not style, it's about substance.
Slightly off topic - I differ from Mark a little bit when it comes to his views on cabins. I grew up in Illinois before moving to Minnesota but had been coming to MN to go fishing for 25 years. Our cabin is in a resort area where the resort owner takes care of maintenance of the grounds, etc. Where I differ from the typical Minnesota cabin owner is this – growing up, I would ask people how their weekend at the cabin was they would go into great detail about their weekend that consisted of painting the windowsills, mowing the grass, pulling weeds, making sure the water heater worked properly, fixing that easement in front of the cabin, repairing that that stair on the front porch, etc. etc. (you get the drift). I would ask them if they got a chance to do any fishing and they would look at me kind of funny. So they drive 3 to 4 hours to go do a bunch of yardwork. What memories.
The other side of cabin ownership is that the cabin is for family. If your parents had a cabin and went up there on weekends when you were young, chances are you will do that as an adult (it’s kind of like being able to see how a potential spouse will treat you when you are married by taking an objective, truthful look at how his or her parents treat each other…the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree). Not to mention that 10 years after you are gone, pretty much everyone who will remember what you look like is related to you. Use your time wisely.
Lots of young men define manhood by athletic ability, how much money they make and how many ladies they can hook up with. Now even though I am slightly above average in terms of athletic ability, make ok money and have been with my share of ladies, none of those things represent an accurate gauge as far as the measure of a person goes. It’s superficial garbage.
I have 1 guy on my softball team who regularly sends out emails to the team with links to his former local South Dakota newspapers sports section where they profile "10 years ago in high school sports...so-and-so scored 18 points in a win over Nagadoches" and his name is sometimes in there. Now even though he is a good guy and is my friend - if you spend 15 minutes with the guy you will be able to tell that he has obviously committed his identity to his athletic ability and because he has done that, in his mind the best years of his life have already passed him by (he is 28 now). You have to have a plan B and not many people have a plan B.
I’ve heard the "What do you do?" question many times. I answer the question by describing my hobbies. They usually end up clarifying their question and only then do I mention that I work in finance at a healthcare company. I’ll see if I can reconstruct my usual answer in here soon.
""Chicks dig (insert trend here)" philosophy."
Hilarious. And entirely accurate. Almost every guy I know is like this. Maybe I need some new friends.
Juris is going to Burning Man?
For the sixth straight year no less. Maybe now you'll believe I'm not a conservative (except fiscally).
On Sunday, out with two friends I hadn't seen in a couple of years, one said "Tell me a story." And I did! I had a true story of a guy I dated briefly, and his foray into jackassery. My two friends are married (to each other) and they loved it. And I loved the question. Course, they already know what my job and hobbies are.
When you are asked the dreaded question "What do you do?" you can always answer as I do, which is to say I read a lot and watch movies and play cards and do yoga and bike and... in other words, I don't tell them what my job is. They always look at me like I'm a bit silly, and at some point I end up saying I work in an office, I like it a lot, but it is hard to explain. They think they are smarter than most people and will understand, so they ask me to explain. Guess what? BORING. I like my job a lot but it sounds dull as dishwater to explain what my company does. So then... I tend to either suck it up and have a "normal" conversation, or move on and talk to someone else.
I realize I am rambling. kthxbai.
Rambling is encourage here...always.
Tell Me A Story may be spreading....I love it!
"What do you do?"
Weightlifting, hot yoga, salsa dancing, fishing with my dad, travelling to Europe and South America, softball, eating soul fries at Dixies on Grand, watching the worlds most dangerous polka band, having a Tennants at Brits Pub, and the come-hither move. I like seeing old people hold hands, slamming on my brakes for squirrels, Chipotle, the Chicago Bears, the Chicago Cubs, the city of Chicago, Belgian chocolate, Thai food, the Three Stooges, Fat Albert, warm towels out of the dryer, and the smell of freshly cut grass. I think video games are stupid, I’ve never been golfing and I think Nascar is lame. A few other things I don't like - political correctness (which is nothing more than the denial of a reality that is uncomfortable), intentional grounding, text messaging, people who keep talking while I am trying to interrupt, the flip-flop rule in softball, fantasy football, that song "Hit me with your best shot" by Pat Benatar, celebrity gossip, entitlement mentalities, humidity, commercials, left lane drivers, condescending people, poker (PLEASE get that off tv, thanks), women who think that dressing and acting like a slut empowers them, high maintenance people, and drunks.
Since a majority of people you will come across simply don’t do anything, their job is their life. They make no effort to go out and meet people, none. It’s easy and lazy to sit at home and be lonely/say "I’ve made my friends". It’s difficult to pursue relationships and to get out there and meet people. You may have to drop your ego a bit, step outside your comfort zone, invest trust in other human beings and take leap of faith after leap of faith. You can always tell a lot about a person by how many friends they have...when you meet someone who doesn't have any friends there is usually a reason. The kind of friends they have says a lot also...be sure to recognize those tavern people.
Tom, I don’t know enough about your friends to make an estimate of them. Perhaps they need to recognize a few things that I have recognized...(these are just my opinion)
1. Contrary to the myth that "looks don't matter" to women, physical attraction may be the primary and key deciding factor for a woman. However, it is difficult to determine just what will be physically attractive to any particular female.
2. If a woman is initially physically attracted to a man, there is very little he can do wrong on a first date. If a woman is not initially physically attracted to a man, there is very little he can do right on a first date.
3. Just like there are many men who are simply assholes, the same goes for women. If a woman is rude or inconsiderate or constantly talks bad about the people around her, including her friends and family, move on immediately -- it will not get better with time.
4. Always keep the ego in check. If a woman, or anyone else for that matter, you are approaching for the first time is rude or obnoxious, simply go away. Tossing an insult or scathingly witty comment back simply demonstrates that your self-confidence is far lower than theirs. Always try to take the higher road. This doesn't mean be a pushover, it means you bend with the wind (kind of a Zen thing). The best way to disarm an obnoxious person is to treat them with courtesy and respect.
5. There is an inverse relationship between self-confidence and concern with what others think of you.
6. Most reasonable, normal women will make it clear if they are attracted to you or not very early on. Period. If you have difficulty reading a woman's motives or you can't seem to pin down a date, then move on.
7. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.
A good percentage of marriages contain people aren’t in love with their spouse. They are in love with the idea of being in love. The spouse is secondary to the life plan that has been fed to them by society that they must participate in.
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