When Trump Declared Martian Law

The day Donald Trump declared Martian law, the world was aghast.

"As my first act as president, I hereby declare Martian law," he said as he squinted at the teleprompter. Looking up, his eyes regained their focus as he roared, "As the first Martian lawgiver, I will make Earth great again!"

The crowd roared. How could they not? They had been mind-controlled by the Martian's orbital laser batteries for years.

The most conspiracy-minded of his followers were not surprised, but the vast majority quickly adjusted their thinking to accommodate this final revelation that explained everything else. Trump's orange hue and his strange alien sex practices should have given them their first inklings as to his true planet of origin.

His close association with Plutonian gray aliens Rudy Giuliani and Vladimir Putin added fuel to the fire.

When bloated Jovians Newt Gingrich and Chris Christie waddled into Trump's orbit it was clear to those in the know that an alien takeover was in the offing.

Trump's recruitment of reptilian Martian generals, men like Michael Flynn, who had been fired from their posts for incompetence and insubordination, provided further hints.

But it was Trump's appointment of Venusians Rex Tillerson and Rick Perry (whose name had inexplicably escaped me) that provided the final clue. Their plan to veneraform the earth by burning all the coal and oil on the planet, increasing CO2 concentrations and accelerating greenhouse warming, would turn earth into a carbon copy of Venus.

This would in turn make Earth suitable for immigration by Venusian guest workers. These alien workers would soon be arriving in huge numbers to take positions at Hardee's and Carl's Jr. restaurants, fulfilling Neptunian labor secretary Andy Puzder's pledge to destroy the minimum wage.

The other members of Trump's cabinet were mostly Mercurians, who had made their billions by paying the miners in Mercury's gold mines slave wages. They were minor players in interplanetary politics, but influential in the financial markets on Uranus.

(Note that Trump's cabinet appointments completely stiffed the planet Saturn -- he wouldn't give that failed car company the time of day.)

No, the Trump administration's alien origins did not give his supporters a moment's pause. They knew it was time to kick out the elites, time to drain the swamp, time for an alien overlord to take charge of earth. Time to trump those bitches.

As the applause died down, Trump squinted back at the teleprompter. "Sorry folks, that was an L, not an N. I hereby declare martial law. And it's gonna be the most bigly martial law ever!"

Trump's supporters blinked, readjusting their finely honed sensibilities yet again. "Oh, martial law," they said. "Does that mean we can start beating blacks, killing Muslims and grabbing pussy right now?"