Sarah Palin's Arizona

(From a Discovery Channel press release scheduled for publication on Nov. 6, 2011)

The Discovery Channel announced today that it has begun production on a new reality series starring former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Called Sarah Palin's Arizona, the series will air in the fall of 2012, during the heat of the presidential race.

Ms. Palin's previous show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, was discontinued because the former half-term governor of Alaska moved to Arizona to be closer to large media markets. A key factor in the move was the change in time zone, which allows Ms. Palin to appear with other talking heads on early-morning Fox News programs without having to wake up at 3AM. Said Ms. Palin, "I like sleeping in, and Alaska's time zone really sucks the big one. And Arizona doesn't use socialist Daylight Savings Time, dontcha know."

The Arizona production includes many new activities that Ms. Palin has taken up since moving to her new home state. These include trudging through the desert in smart dun-colored fatigues with matching automatic weapon accessories, making beef jerky, harvesting peyote buttons, and vegging out in front of the TV with the air conditioning on full blast saying, "At least it's the heat, and not the humidity!"

In the opening segment of the first episode Ms. Palin participates in a new game that's become popular on the streets of Maricopa County, something called "Wetback Bingo." Ms. Palin is challenged to decide whether random pedestrians are illegal aliens or real Americans. Those she decides are real Americans get to choose a square on a giant bingo board. Guest star Sheriff Joe Arpaio selects Bingo numbers and the lucky real Americans have a chance to win fabulous prizes if their number is chosen. The suspected aliens are given a free trip to historic Nogales, Mexico, courtesy of Sheriff Arpaio.

New fashion statements are being made as well, including the moistened floral bandana worn over the mouth and nose to guard against the smoke from the massive fires that have scourged Arizona in recent months, and the fine particulates from the dust storms that have also hit the state.

In one memorable scene, Ms. Palin refers to the Arab term for dust storm that raised a controversy earlier this year. Pointing to her chest she jokes, "The only haboobs the weatherman should be talking about are right here."

The most exciting segment filmed thus far is a helicopter chase of illegal aliens across the Rio Grande. In the sequence, spotters on the ground scare up a herd of aliens in the underbrush on the north bank of the river. The helicopter's powerful engine roars and the chopper swoops out of the sky, scattering the aliens into the muddy brown water. Ms. Palin leans out of the chopper door, hanging on to the frame with one hand while wielding a sequined machine gun in the other. As the copter banks sharply, its blades skimming the water, Ms. Palin cuts loose with a burst of suppressive fire. The rounds pound the water mere inches from the aliens as they splash madly back towards Mexico.

"I loved shooting that scene," Ms. Palin gushed. "I loved the way the mama grizzly so fiercely protected her young as she fought through the water with the baby on her back to get to the safety of her legal homeland. And did you see those big brown eyes on the baby? She was soooo cute!"

Critics of Ms. Palin attacked the episode even before it aired, pointing out that the Rio Grande River isn't in Arizona, pedantically insisting that the river flows from Colorado through New Mexico and then forming the border between Texas and Mexico. Said Ms. Palin, "These know-it-alls just don't get the real America. It's not about geography and facts, it's about the bigger truths, like Paul Revere and his famous charge of the Light Brigade. One if by land, two if by sea, and three if by air!"

Discovery Channel's initial order of six episodes of Sarah Palin's Arizona will begin airing Tuesday, October 9, 2012, and will conclude November 6 when Ms. Palin is elected president. The show will go on hiatus for two years, resuming when she resigns the presidency to write her memoirs and escape the toxic atmosphere of Washington and the liberal media that hounds her incessantly.