Contributors

Monday, April 13, 2015

Do Manners Teach Us to Lie?

Every time someone commits a horrible crime you hear their acquaintances saying, "I'm shocked. He was always so quiet." Or, "He was so polite and respectful."

The same thing is true of Michael Slager, the South Carolina police officer who shot Walter Scott in the back, killing him as he fled from a traffic stop for a broken tail light.

For example:
“I see him as a child of divorce,” Mrs. Shay said. “And I think that may have had an impact on him, if he was a sensitive person, and he struck me as kind of sensitive — shy and a bit quiet. He did want to talk to you and be polite. It didn’t come easy for him.”
“Just a nice kid, you know,” said Nancy Thomas, another former neighbor. “He was a little shy,” she added.

“I remember him being always very respectful to me — you know, he said, ‘Yes, sir, no, sir,’ and he did what was expected of him,” his former chief, Fran Pagurek, said by phone. “We never had an issue with Mike while he was here.”
The last comment got my goat. Saying "Yes, sir," and "No, sir" isn't a sign of respect. It's a sign that you have learned to lie right to people's faces.

Teaching kids these niceties acts as a social lubricant, but it also allows them to hide their real feelings beneath of veneer of false graciousness. It's what allows pychopaths, who are incapable of real human emotion, to pass as normal. Is teaching children to adopt the uniform and formulaic behaviors known as "manners" really instructing them in the art of deception?

Far too often, people hear "Please," "Thank you," "You're welcome," "Yes, sir," "Yes, ma'am," and think, "Oh, what a polite young man." When I hear that kind of effusive politeness I immediately think, "Con man!"

Is the reputed rudeness of New Yorkers more honest than Southern "charm" or Minnesota "nice?"

I hate being called sir. This is America. We're all equals here.
When someone reflexively addresses me as "sir," as if I were some British duke or Southern slavemaster (which happened when I was in Mississippi last winter), it really ticks me off. I'm no one's social superior, and I despise a society that perpetuates that kind of thinking. This is America. We're all equals here. Treating people as something they're not is condescending and obnoxious.

Manners are a disingenuous surface affectation, indicative of nothing deeper.  For every killer who was an odd duck and a loner, there's another killer who politely mouthed all the right words and insinuated himself into someone's life to pass himself as trustworthy solely on the basis of manners -- the ability mask one's true feelings and intent.

The same thing is true for people who know all the right prayers in church and sing the praises of the Lord. Anyone can memorize that crap -- all those external expressions of piety say nothing about your true faith and inner goodness. Just look at all the pastors and priests who railed from the pulpit about marital infidelity and homosexuality who regularly committed adultery and pederasty.

Manners are magic incantations to hide your true intentions.
People are so easily seduced by empty manners and jolly glad-handing. They're on alert with used car salesmen and politicians, and are less frequently fooled by it in those cases. But anyone who relies on the formulaic incantations of manners is using them like magic spells to deceive someone of their true intentions and feelings.

Because the real test of one's character isn't how polite and respectful you are to your betters or the people you want something from. It's how you treat everyone else.

No comments: