Hey Kids! Get Your Guns Right Here!

This has been waaaaaaaaaayy too long in coming. I have wanted to write a column about the NRA since I started the blog. But I really didn't have a focal point until I got a call from my mom telling me what the NRA was up to in her hometown. My mother has been an elementary school principal in Wisconsin for the last 16 years and a teacher for 11 years before that. She has always approached the education of students in a kind, loving, and constructive sort of fashion.

So when the National Rifle Association decided it would be really cool if their Eddie Eagle coloring books be distributed in her school, my mom said no way.

"I have a real concern of having children coloring guns," said Sharon J. Campbell, principal of Jones Elementary School, who reviewed some of the Eddie Eagle material. "I'm not sure a coloring book is the best way to teach gun safety." Others feel the same.

Alderman Pete Karas is leading the charge against the books. Among the evidence for his concerns was a 2002 study by the American Academy of Pediatrics that found the Eddie Eagle program was "effective for teaching children to reproduce verbally the gun safety message," but that many children didn't act out the lessons in role-playing games.

In fact, 1999 TV news report from ABC's "20/20" suggested the full Eddie Eagle program, which includes the coloring books, didn't work. In the report, of 20 children who completed the gun-safety training, 17 found guns in a test. Of the 17 who found the guns, three called police; the others played with the guns."I am more convinced than ever that not only is this program ineffective, but also harmful to our children," Karas said.

And, if that weren't enough, Wisconsin, in its every expanding vision of making itself even more like a southern state, has decided to lower the age from 12 to 8 years old allowing children to legally hunt. Eight! That's only two years older than my oldest child and the thought of her handling a gun.....yikes!!

If there is one area where we, as a country, are unbelievably stupid, it's guns. And when I say guns, for the purpose of this column, I am excluding hunting rifles and shotguns. Even though they can be dangerous, they are legitimately used for sport. Everything else is just bloody ridiculous.

I want to go on the record and say that I think the NRA is the largest collection of assholes ever organized and assembled. Of all the lobbying groups in the country, I can safely say that I fucking hate them with all of my heart and soul AND they represent everything that I loathe about this country.

They are a group of paranoid, fear-mongers who can't get it up without their guns. They make Richard Nixon look mentally balanced. "From my cold dead hands...." means what exactly? I can't function in society without my gun? Does it mean that "I am so afraid that 'they's a comin' that I need to have my gun?" Oh my gun! OHHHH!! I must have it and caress it and fondle it until I ejaculate in my pants!

People that proudly wip out their NRA cards at parties are quite honestly the biggest turnoffs since God invented cold showers. I have seen this happen a few times and let me tell ya, it really makes the ladies all hot and wet......NOT!!

You might ask me, though, hey Mark! I thought you were a military hawk and yet you hate the NRA? What the??!?? That doesn't make any sense at all. Actually it does, buckaroo, and here's why.



To quote one of my favorite Americans, General Wesley Clark, "Ordinary Americans have no business owning any kind of gun, other than rifles and shotguns, for sport. If someone NEEDS to have an Uzi, handgun or an assault rifle, then they should get themselves a pair of boots and see me. I have a job for them."

Of course, most NRA pussies would probably shart themselves if saw any real kind of action and are quite happy and content to fantasize about killing their neighborhood niggers than actually doing something brave like serving their country. No, no...you won't catch any NRA chickenhawks actually fighting for their country. They are content to swill Busch light, watch fucking NASCAR, and scream about the liberal homos that are trying to "destroy" their homes.

I don't have any problems with guns, per se, if they are in the hands of professionally trained people like Army rangers or police officers. I think we will ALL agree, however, that most of the people that have guns in this country are FUCKING MORONS and will end up shooting themselves or someone they love. Statistics don't lie....just ask any police officer. And you can start with a friend of mine who happens to be a Hennepin Country Sheriff. He'll tell you that if less people had less guns then his job would be a whole lot easier.

Maybe the NRA should direct its Eddie Eagle coloring book campaign about gun safety at our vice president. For those of you who don't know, Vice President Cheney (left) accidentally sprayed one his companions in the face with bird shot on a hunting exhibition last week. Oh well, if he hadn't have gotten those four deferments in Vietnam, maybe he would have learned how to handle firearms .

Anyway, I guess now that the NRA has made my mom's life more strained than it already is, I need to make it another one my missions in life to reveal the NRA for what they truly are: a bunch of fear-mongering, mouth-breathers who don't know the first thing about the word bravery. Hey that sounds a lot like the neo-con douchebags that are currently running our country! What a coincidence.....

Hey, NRA goons....if you need to get an erection, lose the gun, dude. Just use porn like everyone else. I recommend the "Caught From Behind" series from the 1980s. Very educational.....

Looney Toons

Well, I guess the greatest threat to our planet today is, of all things, cartoons. For the last two weeks many countries, including our own United States, have gone, as many mental health professionals would call it, totally ape shit over the printing of a certain set of cartoons and one very funny picture. The first group of cartoons took a somewhat negative look at the Muslim religion. The second cartoon took a somewhat negative look at our secretary of Defense.

I thought all the cartoons were dead on the money and you should all know that I laughed my frikkin' ass right off my self when I saw them. And the reactions from everyone else were......frightening and hilarious.

Ah, the Muslims. You just gotta love that culture. Check out the picture on the left. "Behead those who insult Islam?" Yes, yes, yes. I know. It's just the radicalized minority, right? Well, let's see. There are 1 billion Muslims in the world and if only 1 percent of those are radicalized then that's only 10 million people. Whew! I'm relieved!!

Sure, I know we aren't perfect in America. As a matter of fact, we can be downright stupid assholes a lot of the time. But I don't think I have ever seen, here in the US, such a grotesque display of violence over CARTOONS as has gone on in the last two weeks across Europe and the Middle East.

One of the cartoons depicted Mohammed with a bomb on his head instead of a turban. Isn't it funny that that is EXACTLY what happened? They started blowing shit up! Talk about self fulfilling prophecy! For those of you who thought I was racist when it came to Muslim fanaticism, well, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I was RIGHT and you were WRONG!

You gotta think twice about a culture that tramples hundreds of people to death in religious fervor AND gets so bent out of shape over a fucking cartoon that people are killed, maimed, and buildings are burned. Sorry, folks, but if we really allow these psychotics to own a nuclear weapon, we can pretty much kiss the world as we know it buh-bye!!!

And here's a question for the Muslim population of the world: how can you expect us to be tolerant of your religion when you are COMPLETELY INTOLERANT OF EVERYONE ELSE'S RELIGION?

Basically these people are rabid lunatics and need to be put down. And here's the deal to all of you "moderate" Muslims out there: get with the fucking program and police these animals or we will do it for you. It is your problem and, if we have to do something about it, I don't think you will be all that happy with the WAY it is done. Why don't you start by enforcing these basic rules?

YOU are not allowed to declare death sentences on cartoonists or writers for that matter if they happen to say something you don't agree with. YOU are not allowed to beat the shit out of women and treat them like cattle. YOU will understand freedom of expression because it is coming soon to a theater near you........whether you like it or not.

In 2008, hopefully, we will have a President that will actually have the balls (or ovaries!) to stand up to your fanatical bullshit (i.e. not be financially beholden to you) and your life, as you know it, will be over.

And if all of you out there think for a second that I am out of my mind, last week an Iranian newspaper announced it is holding a contest to see which Muslim cartoonist can make fun of the Holocaust most effectively!

Fuckers.....

Whew. Now that I have gotten that out of my system.....let's turn to the other side of the "Evil Cartoons A'gin Us" news...

The cartoon on your left caused much uproar over the last couple of weeks, particularity with the right wing talk show host set (aka funny zoo animals making funny noises).

Apparently this cartoon is disrepsectful to our troops. I think that it is pretty appropiate and fucking hilarious. I have talked with several men and women who have come back from Iraq. I know one that is currently at Camp Victory, a navy man, and he says that the lack of appropiate supplies and complete shortage of intelligence (i.e. planning) is par for the course in this war which makes this cartoon sadly accurate.

I will tell you, however, what IS disrepsectful to our troops. Our president recently paid a visit to Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antoino Texas. His comments, which are available for your perusal on the White House Web Site, were truly irreverent piles of garbage .

Basically, he made a joke that he himself had been in combat recently....with a cedar tree!....and he won! But he got a scratch. Aww..... so I guess HE was wounded just like the rest of the troops there.

Oh my Lord. A cut from clearing brush just totally compares with the soldiers around him with lacerations, broken bones, and missing limbs. What a toolbox. You really gotta hand it to ol' Shecky Bush. He sure knows how to slay an audience.

I guess what really cracks me up about this one is how all the neo-con douchebags got all bent out of shape about the Rumsfeld cartoon and yet the Muslim one is OK. Huh? They are both OK because it is called freedom of the press, bitch! You don't like it? Don't read it!! It's just classic conservative spin doctoring bullshit to call Tom Tole, the creator of the Rumsfeld cartoon, a traitor to his country.

So, by that logic, then all of the Congressional Republicans that bitched during the Bosnian Conflct should all be branded traitors as well. Right?

Anyhoo, I know that I, for one, am sooo happy that the human beings on this world are wasting precious time and energy yelling, throwing rocks, burning buildings, and killing people over cartoons when they could be spending that time and money feeding, housing and caring for their fellow man.

Well, at least we have the NRA to teach our children about the joy of guns. Whoops! That's next week's column...

Sex Machines

Sunday, January 22nd, marked a pivotal day in our country's history. 33 years ago on that day the landmark court case, Roe V Wade, was handed down from the Supreme Courty which essentially said that states do not have the right to outlaw abortions. The next day, tens of thousands of protesters marched on Washington, expressing their outrage over a law that they feel is morally wrong.

They seemed like they might need some help finding a fix for their problem and I have decided that I am their man! I scanned all of the newspapers, watched the TV coverage, and looked all over the Internet for a solution for the Pro Life movement. It took me a long time and countless hours of sweating but I finally found out what they need to win their war on abortion.

BIRTH CONTROL!

That's right, folks. Ol Doc Campbell has come up with a simple solution to the abortion issue and that is that everyone who is against unwanted pregnancy should begin educating the nation, starting at a very early age, how to use FUCKING CONTRACEPTIVES!!!!!!!!! Not only should we educate our nation on birth control but we should also make it easily accessible for everyone and economically attainable for those less fortunate.

Oh wait, everyone on the left is trying to do that and everyone on the right is constantly trying to prevent them from doing so. Why?

Because conservatives feel that abstinence is the best way to prevent unwanted pregnancies. (cue uproarious laughter)

Hey neo-cons, abstinence is a medieval fantasy. Start doing something constructive if you are so against abortion. Instead of marching on Washington, how about starting a condom program at your local high school? It seems pretty obvious to me that this would really help reduce abortions and yet you are adamantly against this. Why do you continually thwart every move the left makes to ACTUALLY prevent unwanted pregnancies?

Well, I don't really have the answer to these questions and many others in this area so I went to an expert. Guess what? She is as confounded as I am!

"You would think it would be a 'no-brainer',"says Kathleen Murphy, Director of Public Policy for the Midwest Health Center for Women, "but people who are pro-life are of the mind that if they bury their head in the sand, the problem will go away."

Ms. Murphy informed me that groups like the Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life have no "official" stand on birth control.

Excuse Me?

Note to conservative uptight fuckstick: PEOPLE LIKE TO FUCK. They will continue to do it. It's in our nature and one could argue that, since God created us to be horny, it is His will as well. I know it's tough because you consider yourselves to KNOW what God wants from His people on Earth but you really don't have a frikkin' clue.

And you know what else? You are NOT allowed to be the judge of other peoples sex lives, especially mine because I really don't want to have sex exclusively in the missionary position for the rest of my life.....maybe the doggy style position (being an ass man and all)....but definitely not missionary!


Ms. Murphy thinks the solution lies in three areas: education, accessibility, and economic assistance. "We just had our budget cut by $200,000 due to the Pawlenty Administration's re-classifying us as a lower priority clinic. This is more than likely due to the fact that we are the only not-for-profit clinic that provides abortions in Hennepin County."

"If we don't have the funds, we can't help people, not only with abortions but with basic health issues," she went on to say, "it's just that simple."

She went on to tell me that last year 14,000 abortions were performed in the state of Minnesota. In her opinion, that number could be reduced by at least 50 percent if more education about birth control was provided to women in this state.

People who are pro life have got it all wrong. If they really want to reduce unwanted pregnancy in this country, they should be handing out condoms in schools and going into poor communities armed with contraceptives rather than trying to prevent these things from happening.

They should be talking about sex in an open, friendly way and not pretending like it doesn't exist or shaming people into being afraid of it. Look at this picture on the left and imagine yourself as a teenager trying to figure out how you feel about sex. These are adults who are supposed to be role models and make young people feel comfortable about sex? Good lord.....

Sadly, probably no one on the right will be up for this. I spent a few minutes on the MCCL's web site and for a Pro-Life joint they sure have a lot of writings on death and misery. Of course, is it really all that surprising that they use the same type of language that other conservaties do, based around fear and complete fucking ignorance? And where is the section on birth control?

Most folks on the right are going to put their blinders on and only listen to the one source that they trust: The Bible. Let's take a look at what the Bible says about abortion, shall we? In Exodus, the law is pretty clear that if you smite your father or mother, the penalty is death. But in Exodus 22, we have the following:

"If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine."

This is the only mention, in the entire Bible, of what rights an unborn fetus has and it is pretty clear to me that it is monetary compensation. I am not saying I agree with this. It actually sounds pretty horrible. But I am saying that there is no passage in the Bible whatsoever that says that abortion is a sin.

People that are militant Pro-Life have invented a fantasy that is largely based on an outdated psychotic belief system. Nellie Gray, the president of March for Life, the group that organized the rally last week, said reversing Roe was this year's theme. Speaking to the crowd in fiery tones, Ms. Gray predicted that the United States would hold the equivalent of Nuremburg trials for "feminist abortionists," calling support for a woman's right to choose "crimes against humanity." "Roe v. Wade has brutalized our country," she said. "The feminist abortionists, look at the evil they are doing. From that will come an accountability."

So, what does this mean? As if our courts weren't taxed enough, now tens of thousands of women are going to put on trial? What a fucking nutter! But the best quote was our beloved president who, since he took office, was conveniently out of town on Jan 22nd.

"You believe as I do that every human life has value (except when I send them to die in a needless war for corporate profit or when I judge them, as God would want me to, to be evil and destroyed) ," Mr. Bush said, "that the strong have a duty to protect the weak (unless they are poor because poor people suck), and that the self-evident truths of the Declaration of Independence apply to everyone (except the fucking faggots who are sinners) , not just to those considered healthy or wanted or convenient. These principles call us to defend the sick(except for the 40 million people in this country who don't have health insurance because I want my golf buddies in the health care and pharmaceutical industry to get richer) and the dying, persons with disabilities and birth defects, and all who are weak and vulnerable, especially unborn children."

"By changing laws," he added, "we can change our culture." (unless you are a liberal activist judge in which case you can't legislate from the bench. Only conservative judges can legislate from the bench.)

"The Pro-Life Movement thinks that organizations like Planned Parenthood are leaders of the so called 'abortion industry'," says Ms. Murphy, "but it is just not true. They are doing the most in our state and nationwide to prevent abortions through family planning and birth control education. Abortions only constitute 2 percent of the services they offer."

So, pro-lifers, are you ready to remove your heads from the sand and face reality? Or are you going to continue to allow more abortions to occur by continuing to block funding for places like the Midwest Health Center for Women?

Because the truth is that there ARE solutions out there. Pull your heads out of the sand, please, and join the rest us in the 21st Century.

Planet Earth's Best Pal

Our planet is a very special place. We have many wondrous things here, both natural and man made. We have some extraordinary people on this planet.

But you know who I love? Do you know who really warms my heart and makes me feel special? Do you know who I thank God for everyday?


Iranian President mammoth Ahmadinejad (left). What a super guy!

Last October he said that Israel should be wiped off the map. He was quoting the Ayatollah when he added, "And God willing, with the force of God behind it, we shall soon experience a world without the United States and Zionism," according to a quote published by Iran's state news outlet, the Islamic Republic News Agency.

When the world responded angrily, President Ahmadinejad remarked, "They are free to say but their words lack any credit."

A few weeks later he went to say that the holocaust was a myth and that Israel should be moved to Europe or the United States. He expressed doubt that the Nazis actually killed six million Jews and wondered if it was all a ploy by the evil Zionist regime in Israel and America to receive favors with the world.

It's been a long time since Adolph Hitler spoke and I guess he's back. But this time he has nuclear weapons. Super! For those of you who don't know, Iran has broken the seals on the containers in the Natantz nuclear "research" facility and will have the materials to make 4-20 bombs in 2-4 years. Awesome, dude!

I can't wait for the day when a country run by Muslim extremists has the bomb. What a warm and comforting time that will be!!

While we have playing with our dicks in Iraq, accomplishing next to nothing in a conflict that is in no way related to the security of our country, this sad excuse of a human being has been running his fucking mouth all over the joint and I have had it.

President Ahmadinejad, you may recall, was a key figure in the Iranian hostage affair in 1979. Ah, what a special time that was.....an insanely weak, botched rescue attempt followed by a sneaky, under the table deal to trade the hostages for guns and ammo to the Contras (see: Communist Dance Hits of the 80s and More!) Bascially we have had 26 years of inept policy after policy with this country of psychotic and now, aw shucks, I guess we finally have to deal with them.

Or will we? China and Russia are exerting an enormous pressure on us not to do anything because of the oil they get from Iran. Oil, again. Great. Is it just me or is it finally time for our government to:

A. GET A FUCKING CLUE and
B. FIND AN ALTERNATIVE FUEL SOURCE SO WE DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MARWAN EL SUCKDITCH ANYMORE? (File under: Not bloody likely with the Bush Oil Inc. running the show)

Holy Hannah, folks, this situation is completely out of control and I am not at all happy with how our current administration is handling it. They don't seem to be doing anything at all really except sending poor old Scott McLlellan out to announce that President Bush denounces President Ahmadinejad's comments actions.

Well, whoopity fucking doo! So do I , bitch. Big news there!

Here's a thought for the Iranian president: Stop threatening to annihilate countries while producing nuclear fuel or the rest of the world will assume control, through force, of YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY, BITCH!!

I am sorry to those folks out there who thought I was a "kook" liberal peacenik just because I have argued against the War in Iraq. My differences with the administration on Iraq have more to do with prioritizing threats and carrying out missions with the smallest amount of ineptitude possible than with being "against war."

Appeasement in the case of Iran will quite simply not work. We basically need to tell them to cease their volatile activities immediately or their life as they know it will be over. No more mullahs talking smack about the USA....no more masturbation parties whilst watching the WTC attacks....no more firebombing magazines run by women.....and, for that matter, no more getting your jollys out of abusing the shit out of women....all of that will be gone. So sorry!!

It's time for this administration to actually back up all their tough talk. In 2002, President Bush called Iran one of the members of the Axis of Evil and yet has done virtually nothing to stop them from pursuing a course that threatens the entire world. We have let Europe "negotiate" with Iran and look where it has gotten us?

A fanatical leader of an ultra psychotic nation with nuclear bombs. Wonderful. What's next? Letting year after year go by without any real effort to capture Osama bin Laden.

Oh, wait a minute........

Why?

I thought we would take a break from politics and focus on an issue that has left me puzzled of late.

Most of you know that I am a stay at home parent and, as a result, spend most of my time with women. Single moms, married moms, single women all seem to gravitate in my circle of life and I have noticed a peculiar tendency amongst all of these women that I find troubling. Before I state what it is, however, I want to make it clear that I am not singling out any ONE of my female friends. ALL of you are guilty of this, or have been at one time or another, and I would like an explanation.

WHY DO YOU INSISTS UPON DATING OR BEING MARRIED TO THE BIGGEST FUCKING LOSERS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD?

I can't begin to count how many men I have met, especially in the last two years, that are dating fellow school moms, single friends, or are fellow husbands that the word DOUCHEBAG is actually a compliment in reference to them.

This is a problem that has gone on since I was in high school, really. The hot chicks always dated the biggest assholes just because they were jocks or whatever and for some bizarre reason that has carried over to adulthood.

I have heard it defined as the "bad boy" phase but some of these idiots don't have enough energy to put down their video game controllers to cause any trouble. Heck, that would at least make them interesting if they got into a scrap or something. Woman after woman always describes their boyfriend/husband as "sweet" and yet when I meet one of these morons, they have several or all of the following characteristics:

1. Unemployed or in nowhere job
2. Loves Video Games
3. Drinking and/or Drug Problem
4. No Ambition (and that's being kind)
5. No Money and yet finds some for the weekly casino trip
6. No Capacity for Intelligent Thought (aka Dumb as a Sack of Hammers)
7. Fat (aka: can't see girlfriend's butt crack during from-behind action to due to stomach overhang)
8. Extremely Immature (aka never got over being 12 years old.)
9. Thinks George Bush is really smart
10. Has at least one child by ex-girlfriend (birth control? hello!)
11. Verbally abusive (psychotic drunken episodes, weight and hair accusations, etc)
12. Physically abusive (psychotic drunken episodes II: electric boogaloo)
13. Makes ignoring girlfriend/wife an art form
14. Extraordinarily insensitive especially at the most inappropriate times

Ok, so I threw in number 9 just for the hell of it. But the rest? All true. Every single one of them. Ladies, please chime in . Why are you dating or why did you date these men? What do you see in them? How can you let a guy like this put his dick inside of you? Are you flipping nuts, woman? I can't imagine dating any woman that would treat me like that. Fuck 'em in the ear! And yet sadly, most guys that I know, realize that you have to be a complete dick, aloof, and insensitive to score big with the babes., especially the hot ones.

Ladies, do not try to deny this. You know it is true. Because if you are a guy and stuck with the label "nice" when you meet chicks, you might as well plan on getting to know your right hand a whole lot better.

I have my own theory on this so y'all can tell me if there is any truth to it. I think that most women are very insecure. They think they are overweight (hardly ever true), ugly (never, ever true) or stupid (everyone has their own definition of intelligence). Thus, they feel that any guy that is really into them must be a weirdo because "why would anyone like me?" They are more comfortable with a guy who will treat them like shit because they feel they are not worthy. They are used to their own voice putting themselves down so when dickhead makes a comment it feels normal

The reality is that the only thing women should feel insecure about is their insistence upon being with fucko after fucko in their dating career!

Another theory I have is that nice guys automatically fall into the "safety" category. Safety guys are cool but not hot. Friend material but not dateable. Guys that ignore women, are apathetic, and treat women like shit are a challenge, right? Guys like that are sooooo hot, aren't they?

Maybe you will be the one to finally change them. Thank goodness! Or is that you are or were too emotionally challenged and need time to realize that there is nothing actually wrong with sweet guys and they are actually, imagine the miracle, a lot of fun?
Then again, maybe I am looking at this from the wrong side. Is it that the pool of men out there are so bad that you have to settle for someone who is just a slob and a deadbeat as opposed to a slob, a deadbeat, and an abuser?


Men are welcome to chime in but, seriously, I want to see some Comments below from women with a fucking explanation. I am so sick of this and need answers!

Take Out The Papers and The Trash

Ah, the trash in Washington seems to be thicker than normal these days. The Abramoff deal, DeLay stepping down for good, Justice Sunday III: Die Hard With A Vengeance!......things are pretty hot and smelly over in the swamp and it's not from that stomach virus that seems to be going around the country. Remember when Newt Gingrich said he was going to clean up Washington in 1994?

Well, that trash has been replaced by newer, improved, smellier trash with no Democratic version of Gingrich to kick some ass and clean some mother-fucking hizzouse!

Well, I guess that's what I am here for. And you know what is really pissing me off this week? Do you know who is really slinging the stinkiest, sweatiest garbage around? It's our Vice President.

About a two weeks ago, Vice President Cheney (left) said that if wiretaps had been allowed prior to 9-11 that the attacks could have been prevented. He also said that "America has been protected not by luck, but by sensible policy decisions ... by decisive action at home and abroad ... and by round-the-clock efforts on the part of people in law enforcement, intelligence, the military and homeland security."

These comments almost belong in Part Three of Leading the Nation Into Stupidity as it is incredibly misleading and, well, a complete sack of shit. How do I know this? Let's spend a little time taking a look at what the administration was up to in the months leading up to 9-11, shall we?

In May of 2001, Dick Cheney was appointed to lead the United States Terrorism Task Force. The president charged Cheney with assessing the threat of domestic terrorism and generating an administration plan to respond to coordinate government efforts to respond to new threats. Among the issues under discussion were whether the Federal Emergency Management Agency or some other government agency should take the lead in coordinating government responses to terrorist threats or actions. Cheney said he wanted to complete the terrorism task force by October.

According to public records and just about every news source, the Cheney Terrorism Task Force never met once. Not a single time. In fact, Cheney spent the entire month of August 2001 on vacation. Hmm, where have I heard that one before?

So, if terrorism was not a priority in the summer of 2001, what was a priority? Everyone who is now reading this please sit down and remove all potentially harmful objects away from your personage as violent laughter at the following sentence may cause uncontrollable physical spasms.

A Missle Defense System!

Yep, that's right. The Bush Administraton's identified their key issue of the first term as being missle defense. For those of you that longed for the days of the Cold War (see: Over in 1989), a nostalgic return to those thrilling days of yesteryear was in store for America. Hey, if 9-11 hadn't have happened, maybe my children would've been required to watch "Duck and Cover," an educational film on how to protect yourself in the event of a nuclear blast.

Think I am nuts? Well, it just so happens that every major news organization, on Sept 10th, 2001, received a copy of Dr. Condeleeza Rice's (left) national security speech on Bush Administration defense policy . The speech's main theme was to "address the threats and problems of today and the day after, not the world of yesterday "(Cue audio of uproarious audience laughter, please!) The address was designed to promote missile defense as the cornerstone of a new national security strategy, and contained no mention of al Qaeda, Osama bin Laden or Islamic extremist groups, according to former U.S. officials who have seen the text.

The speech was set to be delivered on Sept 11, 2001. It was not.

Apparently the speech also chided the Clinton administration for not addressing the biggest threat to the US: long range ballastic missiles from Communist countries!! "We need to worry about the suitcase bomb, the car bomb and the vial of sarin released in the subway," according to excerpts of the speech provided to The Washington Post. "[But] why put deadbolt locks on your doors and stock up on cans of mace and then decide to leave your windows open?"

Interestingly, all of this jibes with what most administration officials were saying in the months leading up to the attacks. Al Qaeda and Islamic terrorism rated lower on the list of priorities, as outlined by officials in their own public statements on policy. A review of major public pronouncements in the first eight months of 2001 found relatively few extensive statements by Bush, Vice President Cheney or Rice about al Qaeda, bin Laden or other Islamic extremist groups.

So, conservatives, once again, help me out here. I have heard you accuse Clinton of being soft on terrorism and you may have a point. According to the 9-11 commission's report released in June of 2004, he made at least four critical errors in assessing the Al Qaeda threat. Okay, that's fine. Rip away and I will be right there with you.

But missile defense? And Cheney not doing shit with the terrorism task force? These two things alone should illustrate that this administration, from the very beginning, does not have a fucking clue what the hell they are doing. Or doesn't care. I wonder which is worse?

To come out and say that wiretaps would've helped prevent 9-11 is just so thickly brown that even the heaviest duty baby wipe would not be able cleanse away that ass gobling comment. This administration was not and is not concerned about Al Qaeda. They were and are focused on making money for their pals in the defense industry and finding a way to justify a war in Iraq for their pals in the energy industry.

In addition, this administration, particularity Cheney and Rumsfeld, seem bent on destroying any sort of free will in this country in the interest of "national security." I would be willing to wager that this wiretapping, highly dubious in the legal realm of constitutional law, is for another purpose all together. What that purpose is remains to be seen.

I really want to undertand why the conservatives (see: distrustful of Big Government) are suddenly all for this wiretapping. Huh? And, um, lying about having sex with someone is an impeachable offense but possibly breaking constitutional law and abusing the power of the presidency is not? (see: Richard Nixon, 37th President of the United States)

60 million of you elected President Bush in 2004 because you felt that he was a strong leader who would protect you against future terrorist attacks. Based on their own words and actions in the months leading up to 9-11, they were not at all concerned with terrorism. Based on what they have failed to do in the past four years, I wonder how you can listen to Cheney make the above remarks and NOT BE FRUSTRATED!!! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE??!!??

I, for one, am sick of all the garbage coming out of Cheney's mouth the last few months and wonder how a man who got four deferments to stay out of active duty in the Vietnam War has any sort of right at all to speak of how best to protect our country.

Leading The Nation Into Stupidity Part Two

The next bit of unlearning that we need to do is the product of one of my faaaaavorite groups of people: the right wing lobbyists. I have spent much time discussing why the shift to the radical right is dangerous in this country. I have laid much of the blame at this administration for being at the forefront of this conservative drive. Some recent articles and events have made me decide to shift my focus, momentarily, to a group of people who I feel are part of the problem and not part of the solution. For this column, I will be focusing on the intelligent design and creationist cabal.

We here a lot of jabber on this site about how liberal, activist judges are making law. But what about Richard Thompson (left) of the Thomas More Law Center? His mission is to use the courts to "change the culture." Lawyers for the center are defending the school district in Dover, PA which voted last year to require Darwin's theory of evolution to be referred to as "not a fact" in 9th grade biology class.


The Kansas School Board (left)recently approved, 6 to 4, to do much of the same thing. John G West of the Discovery Institute which promotes intelligent design, has been pushing heavily for this in Kansas and is happy to see that their board of education now has "the best science standards in the nation."

Even in my own home state of Minnesota, the Minnetonka School District is considering a change in curriculum to reflect that evolution is a "theory" and not a fact. In addition, intelligent design is being considered as a valid course of study.


Now I know that some of you conservatives will say that these folks are just trying to make a more moral society. I say they are essentially using their power and wealth, along with other like minded people, to make our country as fucking ignorant as possible. That way, you see, they can control society more effectively. People that have access to more knowledge and facts ask questions and wonder why. People that don't have access to this sort of education are easier to manipulate into submission. It's just that simple.

Some conservatives that post here have argued that evolution must be taught in schools while saying at the same time that prayer or saying "under God" in the pledge should be allowed. This seems to be in direct dichotomy to me and this is my talking point for the week. Explain to me, right wingers, how you want to have prayer in schools and yet evolution as well.

Because by arguing for prayer in school, you are emboldening these people to take over an aspect of our lives and my children's lives that should not be touched by belief but by fact. Church is where belief should be taught, discussed, expounded upon etc.....NOT IN SCHOOL!!!

We are allowing religious beliefs to be taught in schools and it just wrong. I have said this before but now I really want an answer. Why? Why do these people feel the need to teach intelligent design in schools? Can't they teach it at church? And you know what is really funny? Some of the most moral people I know don't believe in God at all. Some of the least moral people I know do believe in God.

Maybe the real reason why religious people need to have religious curriculum in schools is because their faith is weak and they need to constantly have it in all aspects of their lives. Any less than that, and (Gasp!) they might give into temptation. And people say that liberals are trying to force things down the country's throat. What a fucking riot that is. Hello Kettle? This is Pot. Guess what? YOU'RE BLACK!!!

It's funny but I don't think that evolution is all true necessarily. I think there are a lot of unaswered questions there and those of you that know me know that I have my own zany theories about the creation of man. But I do believe that there are enough facts that evolution should be taught in schools. Religion should not be taught in schools unless it is a religious school in which case, great!

Well, thankfully, at least the good people of Dover had had enough and voted out ALL of those idiots that were fucking everything up out and elected a whole new school board. And a judge threw out the rule that intelligent design must be taught in schools. I guess there is some hope after all. Laughably, Pat Robertson declared that God would punish the judge and all members of the town for turning their backs on Him. Is Minnetonka, MN next?

Oh and by the way, as of this writing, Dover is still standing.

BEST OF 2005

Before we get to that moment of the year that you have all been waiting for, Mark's picks for the Best of 2005, I wanted to wrap up a few previous threads.

You may have noticed that Picture #4 won the Mark facial hair contest. This will be "columnist" picture from now on. Thanks for all your votes!


Many of my conservative friends have stated repeatedly on the posts and in conversations with me that I "hate" George Bush. It may sound like that and I will be the first to admit that I get carried away from time to time but I don't hate him. I hate his actions or inactions of the last five years.

If President Bush had not lost a spy plane over China, all of our allies, our budget surplus, ignored warning after warning (just as Clinton did) about Al Qaeda, continued to ignore warning after warning about Al Qaeda, ignored Iran, completely ignored the 9/11 commission's most important recommendations, and failed miserably in assisting the City of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina then I would have to admit that he was a damn fine president.

I find that my anger is directed more towards the conservatives these days that defend President Bush much in the same way that liberals defend rapists and murderers. The same old tired line about it not being his fault, someone else made him do it etc....it all sounds the same to me. In looking ahead to 2006, I promise you that I will be taking these fuckers to the mat a lot more than our president.

And now on to the awards!

TV
This year in television has never been better. Loads of creepy new shows like Surface and Invasion and a re-vamped Battlestar Galactica with chicks so hot that I have actually been aroused to the point of erection on more than once occasion. Who would have thought that I would ever want to fuck Starbuck? And the blond Cylon chick when she was bent over the table in the lab? Daddy's home......

It isn't all about sex, though. It's about humor and that's why the best show on TV is Arrested Development. Hands down. Oh my god this show is absolutely the funniest fucking thing I have seen in long time. The Bluths are the most dysfunctional family in the history of families. Love them!! The show pushes the limits of "appropiate" primetime viewing. They are currently in Season 3. Season 1 and 2 are available as DVD boxsets. I highly recommend this show.


MUSIC
Perhaps more great than the year in television was the year in music. I could list dozens of bands that just kicked ass up and down the calendar with great music but for now I am going to focus on two. The best song of 2005 is "I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor" by The Arctic Monkeys. These young lads from Sheffield have taken the UK by storm with this single. They play pounding mega Brit Pop that will blow you away. Full length is due in out in the UK on Jan 30, 2006. You can get it through Amazon UK.

But the year 2005 belonged to the biggest band in the world. Coldplay's new album, "X and Y" is absolutely the most wonderful thing I have heard in years. Every track is gorgeous but the one that really stands out is "Fix You" which will go down in history as one of the greatest pop songs of all time. The first time I heard it I quite literally welled up. These guys continue to amaze me and I hope they do for years to come.



FILM
This was a tough call for me this year. There were some really bad films and big disappointments this year. Star Wars III sucked, FF was horrible, and who really gives a shit about King Kong? I have seen this movie made over and over again. I know it is Peter Jackson (The Hobbitt now, please!) but if I want cool special effects, I'll just play the video game. Oh, wait. That's right. I am over the age of 12 and video games are FUCKING LAME!!!

So this year I decided that I would give my Best Film award to a person rather than a film because both of his 2005 offerings have been stellar. George Clooney has used his "hunkability" to bankroll intelligent, thought provoking films that would otherwise be unmade. He wrote and directed "Good Night and Good Luck," a film about the McCarthy era which has hauntingly parallel themes to the current political climate. And he stars in "Syriana," a film about oil and politics directed by Stephen Gaghan (Traffic). Gosh, I wonder where they got the idea to make this film? Some conservatives ignorantly dismiss it as liberal propaganda, but I thought it was more about how corporations control everything and politicians really don't control anything. I highly recommend both of these films.

What are your picks for 2005?

Yet Another War

It is that time of year again. Hearts are filled with the warmth of the holidays and people around the world are sharing love and peace......

Except my pals on the right. Again.

They always have to be bunged up about something and this year, it's Christmas. Apparently, Mike Gallagher, Laura Ingraham and many members of the religious right feel that the evil kook liberals and their pals in the ACLU (Asshole Commies Leftly United) are HIJACKING THE HOLIDAYS. And, by gum, they want to put the Christ back in Christmas.

John Gibson, talk show host on Fox News, has even written a book about it entitled, "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse than You Thought."

John, Laura, Mike and company want to make sure that, this holiday season, the only celebrating to be done is by Christians. After all, who are more important than Christians? They are the only ones going to heaven, y'know.

How dare the companies and retail operations in these blessed United States meekly wish people a Happy Holidays when they should just come out say Merry Christmas! Thinking of actually acknowledging another person's cultural beliefs is outrageous, egregious and downright un-American.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., wants the "Capitol Holiday Tree" in Washington renamed the "Capitol Christmas Tree." Bishop Phillip Davis is urging his congregation at Nations Ford Community Church in Carolina to boycott stores that leave Christmas out of employee greetings, ads and holiday displays -- or ban Salvation Army bell-ringers. People like these and others have warned us of the coming onslaught of leftist commies that will destroy us all in the end.

They have even gotten to Wal Mart. Wal Mart! The great bastion of conservatism. To our left we see a warrior of Christ trying to defend himself in the face of the Luciferian onslaught.
"'Happy Holidays' and 'Season's Greetings' are not a substitute for 'Merry Christmas,"' said Manuel Zamorano, head of the Sacramento, California-based Committee to Save Merry Christmas, which organizes store boycotts over holiday advertising."Christmas is the holiday and 'Merry Christmas' is what we want to hear," he said. "It's political correctness gone amok."

That's right, Manuel. And it's all the ACLU's fault. They have gone crazy with that trying to protect all that Bill of Rights baloney. I am shocked, I tell you, SHOCKED that they even exist. All this talk of equality is making me sick. What happened to the good old days of making fun of the Jewish kid because he didn't believe in Santa?

"Every time you say 'Happy Holidays,' an angel gets AIDS," warned Jon Stewart, host of the Daily Show. And it's true. God is angry with all of us for not believing in him anymore. We have even done the unthinkable: held Tom DeLay, Bill Frist and others currently under indictment accountable to the law. How dare us!

So, this year, as you settle in to your favorite chair wearing you red sweater and drinking egg nog, remember that your pals on the right will be there to shove their version of the holidays down your throat and make you believe in Christmas the way Jesus did: spending large quantities of money on material things

FLUNK YOU!!!

Well well well. I guess someone else thinks the way I do. Actually, 5 Republican and 5 Democrat someone elses.

For months I have been writing and yelling about how inept the Bush Administration has been at fighting the War On Terror. I have stated repeatedly that there are other problems in the world that need our attention, not Iraq, and that he has made a mockery of our nation's defenses. I have pulled out what little hairs I have left on the top of my head when people who support Bush say that our country is safer because of him.

So, you think we are safer, huh? You think everything is just dandy that we have a "MAN" in the White House and not weenie liberal like Gore or Kerry? Bush is tough as nails and taking the fight to them, right?

(Loud buzzer sound) WRONG! Would you like to try your hand at Double Jepoardy where the stakes are really high?

The 9/11 commission released their report card last week and the grades were so bad that if the White House and the Republican controlled Congress were sons bringing home these notes they'd be on their way out to the fucking shed to get whupped. I can't begin to express to you the outrage I felt when the government received on "F" in the following categories:

Improve airline passenger pre-screening
Provide adequate radio spectrum for first repsonders
Allocate Home Security Funds based on risk
Declassify overall intelligence budget
Coalition standards for terrorist detention

Are you fucking kidding me? 4 years have gone by and we still haven't improved our airline screening? Great. Just great. And the first repsonders thing? Well, after New Orleans, I guess we all know how well federal first responders communicated.

And all this talk about how we have to beat the shit out of terrorists to save lives? Well, this commission said that that tactic has done more harm than good. It has actually given pause to countries that would've shared important intelligence with us. Super! Way to go, Don!

Hey, you think they F's are bad? How about the D's?

Maximum Effort by US to secure WMD
Support Reform in Saudi Arabia
Critical infastructure risks and vulnerabilities assessment
Checked Bag and Cargo screening
International collaboration on borders and document security
Incentives for Information sharing
Government wide information sharing
Privacy and Civil Liberties oversight
Guidelines for sharing personal information
Scholarship Exchange and library programs
Support secular education in Muslim countries
Intelligence oversight reform

You know what? Let's forget about everything but the first two. There are so many fuck-ups here that we should probably just focus on two of them.

The effort by the United States to secure WMDs has been a "D" level effort. Read that last sentence again, please, because I think you need to fully understand it. OK? According to the 9/11 commission, countering the greatest threat to America's national security is still not the top security priority of the President and Congress.

Help me out, conservatives. This is a bi-partisan group and they are saying that our leadership is not focusing on the most dangerous threat to us in our nation's history. Something is seriously not right here folks. Thomas Kean, the REPUBLICAN chair of the commission said that he is "frustrated by the lack of a sense of urgency in addressing these concerns."

He goes on to say, "While the terrorists are learning and adopting, our government is still moving at a crawl. Many obvious steps that the American people assume have been completed have not been. Our leadership is distracted."

In fact, some of the harshest critics are Republicans. James R. Thompson, former Illinois governor, said, "The American people ought to demand answers. Why aren't our tax dollars being spent to protect our lives? What's the rationale? What's the excuse? There is no excuse."

And what about reform in Saudi Arabia? Nah. Can't be that we are dropping the ball there. We all know what buddies we are with the Saudis. Just like at our beloved president holding hands with the Crown Prince Abdullah. You don't think that he would soft pedal the country that produced 15 of the 19 hijackers do you? What possible reason could he have to keep the kid gloves on? Hmm. Let me think about that one for awhile.......

To be fair, we did get one A. It was for disrupting the terrorist financial network. Well, our leadership does know a lot about money, that's for sure!

You know, people ask me all the time what I would do differently. They say that instead of bitching I should come up with a list of things I would do differently. Well, look no further than the items above. Let's start with those things, at least, for crying out loud. Can't we do better than a "D" or a "F" when it comes our nation's security?

Look at these people to the left. Look at their faces. These are the families of the victims of 9/11. This is going to be you or your family someday because we have a group of people running our country that are more concerned with protecting and growing corporate wealth than protecting and nuturing our children. These families of the victims of 9/11 can't believe that 4 years and a lot of bullshit later we are still right back where we were on Sept 10th. They can't believe that our government has failed to act on many of the commissions most important recommendations.

They can't believe that our leadership got 18 F's or D's in such an important undertaking!!

Do you know what I can't believe?

I can't believe that there are people out there defending the leaders of this country and their policies. I have never been more embarrassed and mortified in my life. What a fucking travesty!

And people are mad at Bush for waiting 7 minutes on Sept 11th to move from his chair? How about 4 years and counting!!??

Blame Canada

Once again those pesky neighbors to our north have gone and done it again. It seems that Canada has done the unthinkable. They have recognized evil, sinful criminals as equal human beings. They have (Gasp!) legalized gay marriage. And no one is more afraid of this than our very own Katherine Kersten.

For those of you who don't know who Katherine Kersten is, she writes a new column in the Minneapolis Star and Tribune. We all know that the Strib is part of that insidious liberal indoctrination machine that is out to destroy our children and so they felt, I guess, they needed a conservative columnist to round out its image.

I was shocked to read Ms. Kersten's column entitled "North of border, gay marriage spurs social revolution" to find out that I am in dire jeopardy should gay marriage be legalized here. Here is the link to the column. Please read.

http://www.startribune.com/stories/191/5711527.html

According to Ms. Kersten, if gay marriage were to be legalized in the US, I would then be a racist. Because of the way the law is written, marriage as defined as "man and a woman" would then be bigoted. Thousands of documents would have to be changed due to the onslaught of political correctness that would ensue. People who believe in marriage between a man and woman would be in legal trouble.

And then, of course, the children would suffer. The end of the article mentions that sex ed classes would have to be changed to include same sex discussions. One can only conclude that after all of this, Ms. Kersten believes that all of us will then fall into hell as the world becomes a giant, boiling pit of sewage.

Once again we see the right using the only tactic they really have to get through to people: fear. It's the same old story with everything they talk about. Fight the terrorists there so we don't have to fight them here. Liberal activist judges are running amok (never mind the right activist judges that are) and must be stopped before they destroy our way of life. And gay people? Well, if they get their way, your life as you know it is over.

Am I the only one out here who can see this?

Ms. Kersten is so incredibly myopic that she doesn't realize the solution to all of this is simple: write a law that makes sense so all people are looked upon as equal. C'mon, folks, we are a smart country. Don't you think we can come up with a law that circumvents these PC snafus?

As far as sex ed in schools are concerned, I think most kids when they reach puberty know what straight and gay mean and they should, if their parents have had frank discussions with them about sex. Most sex ed classes in schools are designed to lay out the basics of reproduction. I think that purient examples of the different types of sex can easily be left out of such a basic discussion of biology. At that point, the parents must take up the mantle of education and answer their children's questions and encourage them to have good sexual health.

Consider this a warning to Ms. Kersten and all like her: I know what you are trying to do, it won't work, and I will stop you. You are using your power as a columnist to drum fear into people who don't have enough exposure to or knowledge of gay people.

I will do everything in my power to educate people and let them know that people of different races, colors, creeds, and sexual orientation are all equal in the eyes of God. If you truly believe in the teachings of Jesus, then you should love and respect all people. You might not believe this but "they" already love and respect you.

Gay people are not any different than anyone else. The American public should know, Ms. Kersten, that they shouldn't be afraid of anyone except maybe a little wary of someone like you.

The Uptight States of America

I woke up last Thursday morning a little more tired than usual. It always takes me a long time to be fully coherent in the AM (I am not a morning person). Since I had spent the evening (and parts of the morning actually) celebrating my friend Eric's birthday in a way that can best be described as delirious insanity, I was a little grey around the edges. Thankfully I have the Minneapolis Star and Tribune to read in the morning and, last week, I read an article that not only woke me up immediately but absolutely fucking pissed me off. It was about sex.

It's high time that I wrote a column on my favorite subject. People , who know me well, are downright astonished and even offended that I haven't written a column on this subject. I have thought for awhile that I should write about sex somehow but I couldn't quite find a good focal point. Thanks to the good folks at the Strib, I have now found one.

Last Thursday, on the front page of the Strib, was an article entitled "Some Hot and Some Bothered." The story began with an anecdote which sums up perfectly how fucking uptight Americans are about sex and why I am irritated beyond belief about this. Here is the quote.

Jane Brenny isn't just appalled that something called the "Sex and So Much More Show" is promoting itself on a billboard two blocks from an elementary school. She's appalled that it has come to Minneapolis at all. Brenny, who lives in Edina, was heading to church recently when she stopped at a red light and looked up. She said, "Ye gods," jotted down the event's website and went home to check it out. "That website is erotic and disgusting," she said.

Erotic and disgusting. Great. Just great. Tell you what, Jane, and all the rest of you assholes who's butts are so tight that if I shoved a lump of coal up there I could open up my own jewelry store: WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING RELAX ABOUT SEX!!!???

This country is so damn uptight about sex and I have had it. What is the matter with us? This was a trade show, for God's sake, whose central theme was to enhance couple's sex lives and build healthy sexual attitudes. But no. Oh no. The insane puritanical roots of our culture make it "bad" to have a sex trade show and "good" to have...say...a gun trade show.

I wonder if Ms. Brenny would complain if a gun show billboard was put up two blocks from an elementary school. Someone out there please explain this dichotomy to me: Hey kids, guns are cool and fun. Sometimes they are used to kill people but that's only by people who live in the ghetto. So have fun with your guns but don't you dare talk about people making love and giving each other pleasure. That's wrong! Pleasure bad! Instruments of Death Good!!

Here's a thought to all you social conservatives/evangelicals out there. God created man and woman in his image. He/She gave us this extraordinary ability to have a ton of fun with our bodies and I think she/he meant it to be that way. Why would the Lord want us to torture ourselves? It's just not sinful, folks. Sorry!

If you look back at the history of Christianity, many of the early followers were not ashamed of sex. Women were view as being sacred beings of sensual power and men respected this and even learned how to use their own sexuality in intensely spiritual ways. These beliefs were all too short lived when violent, ignorant men began to dominate the thinking behind organizing the Church. Women became viewed as evil, sinful beings and the trend continued throughout time. Some say it still goes on. Somewhere along the line sex became viewed as being wicked and that is just not true.

I am not advocating that wanton orgies occur in the streets (if there is one that you know about, however, let me know.) I am simply saying that if we all talked about sex more with each other and our children, then we would become more comfortable in dealing with sex based issues.

Sex is wonderful way to share love with someone. And loving someone is the key ingredient to making love. I have always believed what my parents told me and what I will tell my kids. If you love and respect someone, then sex is great. My folks also happened to be forward thinking people and told me that if I liked dudes better than chicks then that was cool too. I have always felt comfortable talking about sex and laugh at people who crinkle their faces at me when I make suggestive comments.

People in other countries laugh at us and how uptight we are about sex. They can't understand why the Janet Jackson Super Bowl thing was such a big deal. I also don't understand why more focus was put on the sex part of the Vikings boat party as opposed to the threatening behavior. Well, actually, when you think about it, it makes sense. Sex is bad. Violent behavior is kinda bad but not as bad as SEX. That's our culture!

This article is just another example of sounding the drumbeat of fear. A billboard about a sex show near a SCHOOL! GASP! You know what? There's a gun store five blocks away from a school in Hopkins. Which is worse? Oh wait, that's right. I forgot again. I'm in America. This is the place where grown men and women faint at the site of a nipple but think it's OK for junior to watch someone being riddled with automatic weapon fire.

I am just so tired of all of this and I hope that all of you will join me in reminding people like Ms. Brenny that sex is a mysterious, wonderful thing. It is not disgusting. And if people like her don't like sex, then why in the fuck did she go to the sex show web site in the first place?

Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!

Ever since I can remember, I have always imagined being President. A Mark Campbell Presidency would be filled with many wondrous things. Sadly, I know it will never happen. I am too blunt and have this pesky personal habit of telling people exactly what is on my mind i.e. I have no filter between my brain and mouth. Consequently, I get into much trouble.

But it's fun to dream isn't it? I found myself thinking yesterday about who I would hire to help me run our beloved country and why that person would be perfect for the job. One of FDR's greatest strengths was that his cabinet was comprised of Democrats AND Republicans. He liked to hear the opposing point of view quite often. It helped him to see the full picture.

In keeping with that tradition, here is my Cabinet. I have used "post names" for some of you who post on this blog while real names for others. I realize some of you might be hurt that I have not selected you. Just know that there was much thought that was put into this and there will always be a job for you at the State Department.

Vice President-John Waxy. John has been my friend since we were both 12 years old. If something should happen to me, there is no one I would trust more to be true to my vision than him.

Secretary of State-PL. Always the diplomat on the posts, PL would bring some common sense to the State Department.

Chief of Staff-Shayna Nienow. Her experience in training and managing people as well as her bluntness makes her the best candidate for this job.

Secretary of Defense-just Dave. It would be important to me to have my SecDef be a man with military experience. Dave is also a hawk and that is who our country needs now in our War on Terror.

National Security Advisor-Annalie Nienow. For those of you that know Annie, she is perfect for this job for two reasons: She keeps secrets and doesn't take any shit from anyone. That is just what the NSA needs to do.

Attorney General-Paul Bolin. A great legal mind. Harvard Educated. And a flaming liberal. Perfect.

Director of Secret Service-Mark Peterson. Very serious, very intense. Perfect to protect me.

Sec of Treasury-Brad Hall. There isn't anyone I know that is better with money. Our government is in desperate need of this.

Sec of Education-Tina Graham. Tina's ongoing pursuit of true knowledge makes her perfect for the job. She is the only person I know who could truly implement the President Campbell Sex Education program effectively and carry the vision I have for it forward. For those of you ladies who are interested in learning more about this, please email me privately.

Homeland Security Director-Stephen Perkins. His first hand knowledge of terrorism will be a huge benefit here. In addition, his compassion and attention to detail will protect our country.

Sec of Transportation-Missy Boucher. This job will be a piece of cake for the gal who tour manages rock stars. Her tenacity and organization could get the airline industry in shape.

Sec of Labor-Dennis Ward. My father in law's years in the Union will bring a focused look at the working man's issues.

Secretary of HUD- Chuck Woodsy. Chuck is an architect. His vision for city layouts and planning makes him perfect for this job.

Sec of Agriculture- Susan Ferris. My aunt Suba has lived on a farm her whole life. She knows how people there think. Someone who understands this needs to challenge our nation's farmers to look past the 21st century.

Sec of Commerce-William Blumberg. My uncle's entrepreneurial spirit will defend the right of small business here and focus on them as the backbone of our nation.

Sec of Veteran Services- Ken Parsely. A Gulf War I veteran, Ken would bring some compassion to caring for the people that bring our lives safety everyday.

Sec of Energy- Gail Mooney. Her experience with one of the largest energy companies in our country as well as her common sense will be a huge asset in making the United States energy independent.

Sec of Interior-Cory Campbell. Another screaming liberal, my uncle Cory would bring his knowledge of the land to this post.

Sec of Health- Dr. Diane Schuck. I can't think of a better person to run this post than the woman that brought both of my children into this world.

Well, there you have it. What do you think?

Again, I apologize if you don't see your name here. See PL for a job.

The Evolution of Mark

Some of you have emailed me recently or repsonded in the "Comments" section and wondered how I went from supporting the Iraq War to being against it. Many of you on the conservative side have wondered what happened to me as I spent much time arguing for some of the things the president was doing after 9-11.

I remember when Notes From the Front was an email list back then and I recall being called a fascist, a racist, and a right wing zealot. Scanning some of the recent emails and posts recently I see that now I am communist, feminist, and kook left wing zealot. My oh my how I have grown.

What made me grow and change? Well let's take a look at a timeline of events...something I am going to call the Evolution of Mark.

Nov 2000. The election debacle. I remember saying to myself at Thanksgiving that they should just give it to Bush. Even though I loathed his stance on social issues, I really wasn't involved in politics much at the time so I didn't care. I feel ashamed for feeling this way five years later.

Summer 2001. Bush gives a speech on stem cell research. I remember thinking when I saw him on TV that he looked like he had no idea what he was doing. He then goes on vacation for the entire month of August. I recall saying to some friends, "Is he really working down there?"

Sept 11. This was a day that I will never forget. It was just horrible. I really felt at the time that I should rally around the president....that we all should. Having first hand experience with Muslim extremism, I knew that the only way to deal with those people was force. There is no reasoning with them. I remember being proud of President Bush when he said that he would get bin Laden dead or alive. We attacked Afghanistan. Bush talked of nations being terrorist havens (Iran and North Korea) and they would pay for that in kind. I thought, finally, we were taking the fight to them.

Summer 2002. I was watching a press conferance with Bush. He was asked where Osama bin Laden was and was he still a threat. He had been asked that time and again. Over the last few months, he had dodged answering that question and instead chose to talk about Iraq. I thought this odd. Sure, Iraq was a problem. But did they really have WMDs? We already knew Iran and North Korea did. And most of the hijackers came from Saudi Arabia, a hotbed of anti American sentiment. Why was he talking about Iraq? Something just seemed wrong. Osama and Zawahari were still out there. They attacked us. Not Saddam.

Then he answered and I couldn't fucking believe it. He said the bin Laden was insignificant and didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Here was a man who was responsible for the worst attack on our country's soil and he didn't matter anymore to our president? If you don't believe me, look it up. He said it. I have a copy of the news conference.

March 2003 The Iraq War unfolded and I felt that maybe we could take care of matters quickly and then move to the real enemies at hand. Maybe Bush had a reason for going there that I did not know about it. What did I know, anyway? I remember the famous "Mission Accomplished" speech and was actually thinking that the war might be over. Wow. I was so wrong. Looking back on "Mission Accomplished," I just have to laugh. What have we accomplished? The war is NOT over.

Summer 2004. Farenheit 9-11 comes out. I know that Michael Moore is the devil incarnate but if you go to his web site, he presents a ton of facts to back his claims. Here are all those pesky facts y'all have been asking about:

http://www.michaelmoore.com/books-films/f911reader/index.php?id=16

It is very hard as a man of good conscience to ignore this stuff. George Bush has pursued a policy that is extremly detremental to the United States and you'll have to pardon me if I get infuriated when people don't see this. Or even want to see a part of it.

Since that time we have seen that the Iraq policy has largely failed because the initail plan was flawed. High ranking generals fired, realities ignored, countless lives lost, and a president (and supporters) who refuse to look at bad news. And all the while, Al Qaeda is still out there with both of its leaders. The Iraq War could have been a good idea. At the time, I felt like we needed to take the fight to them. In retrospect, I was wrong. Iraq was the wrong choice.

So, why did we invade Iraq? Well, I think based upon the fact that US corporations are making a ton of money over there the reason why is self evident. In the end, all you have to do is follow the money. Haliburton is the number one contractor in Iraq. Cheney used to work there. I don't think I am going out on a limb by saying that the owners of that company are sympathetic to Bush. And he to them. The big money guys who helped elect Bush got their war. It has been going like that since President Eisenhower gave his farewell address in which he warned of the military industrial complex running (or ruining) or country.

The organizing force for any society is war. And in this particular situation we had a war that we NEEDED to fight and didn't and sill aren't. We, instead, fought one that we didn't have to fight. Supporters of the war claim that we are democratizing the Middle East and Iraq is the first step. I say fighting Al Qaeda is the first step.

Now I know that most of you on the right would like me to present an alternate plan to what the president has done. Here it is step by step.

1. Find bin Laden
2. Kill him
3. Find Zawahari
4. Kill him
5. Take the billions of dollars Bush was going to use in Iraq and develop an alternative source to oil.
6. Tell the Saudis to fuck off.
7. Tell Iran and North Korea that if we get credible intelligence that they sell a candy bar to any Muslim extemist group that has a beef with us that they will be able to live in their respective countries again in oh...about 90 years.

Maybe steps 5-7 are tough to do but 1-4? C'mon people. It's two guys for crying out loud. It's embarassing that our Secretary of Defense says things like, "Well, we don't do manhunts."

Yes, Don. We do manhunts when the people we are hunting want to destroy our entire way of life. Yes, President Bush, Osama bin Laden is significant because he is the leader of the group that WANTS TO KILL US!!!

I want the conservative people who read this to imagine a Gore or Kerry presidency. Close your eyes and really think about it. Now imagine if, on their watch, we lost the following: a spy plane over China, our budget surplus, most of our allies, four airplanes, the World Trade Center, a chunk of the Pentagon, 5000+ American lives and the City Of New Orleans.

That's a lousy track record and if it were a Democrat, conservatives and I would be very upset. As it stands, just I guess it's just me that's angry.

The Language of Love

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine recently. For the sake of this column, we'll call her Mary.

Mary was brought up in rural Minnesota and was taught from a very early age about morality. There was only one God: a Christian God. There was only one true political party of faith and that was the Republican Party. She attended Oral Roberts Unversity and was told who were God's chosen ones and who were not. She lived in the conservative culture. She knows it well. A few years ago, thankfully, she came to her senses, stopped drinking the Kool Aid and has a more well rounded view of the world.

I have spent much time and many words on trying to figure out why the Republicans get away with everything. How can a party so corrupt and inherently evil get so many people of good faith to vote for them? How have they won the House, the Senate, the Judiciary and Executive Branch? How in, the face of so many facts to the contrary, have the become know as the party of "morality" and "strength."

I was expressing this frustration to Mary one day on the phone about how the Republicans always seem to entice people into voting for them when it is nowhere near in the interest to do so, she said something very interesting to me. It made me understand why they do such a good job at getting people to listen to them. She said that the answer lies in the one last thing that America is still number one at doing. The one thing you can always rely on us for doing right. The one thing no one can resist. Marketing. The Right is really good at marketing. And they know how to use language to get people to believe in them. Mary said that it's all in the language they use and how they market it.

They say things like "Support Our Troops" which means that if you don't agree with the war then......well.......I guess you don't support our troops. The Republicans spent the Clinton era lambasting the Democrats for being corrupt, lying to special prosecutors, and generally being evil. Now, suddenly, when the tables are turned perjury isn't that bad of a crime. It's the "criminalization of politics." They say they are "Pro Life" which means if you aren't Pro Life, then you are.....what? Pro Death? Pro Baby Killin? It's simple messages for simple minded people.

Many citizens in our country have the attention span of a two year old. If you were on TV and someone asked you, are you pro-life and you say yes, well, that's a clear cut, easy answer. If you answer, as I would, that you are against unwanted pregnancy and that you believe that we should try to educate people more in the use of birth control, then more than likely the people watching the show will have tuned out when they heard the first three syllable word. They will think you are to wishy washy and hard to understand. They will think that the first person had a clear cut opinion and stood up for themselves and the second one, well, what were they talking about again?

And that's why the left hasn't figured it out yet. They have complicated answers to complicated problems. The right has simple answers to complicated problems. And the latter is all that people have time for these days. The right makes people feel better with simple language and that is how they get their support even though the problems are still there.

So, here it is! The answer for the Democrats. The left needs to come up with some catchy, quick phrases to win back the government. Here are some suggestions....

*Oil Comes from Terrorists, the Sun Comes from God.

*Like Sex? Wear A Condom!

*Like Uzis? Buy a pair of boots and join the Army!

*Think! It will help you figure out stuff.

*Where is Osama Bin Laden?

Help the Democrats with their language. What other phrases could they use?

Grab Bag Of irritation Volume 2

Time for another grab bag. There was such a great response to the last one that I thought I would do another.

Things that are irritating Mark this week.....

*Fox News....this poor excuse for an "unbiased" news station is an embarrassment. A couple of weeks ago my wife and I were watching Hurricane Katrina coverage. We were mainly watching CNN. I flipped over to MSNBC and they had hurricane coverage on as well. Then I turned to Fox News where they were covering the MOST important story of the day: a black man who robbed a convenient store in Ohio. He was still loose and people were scared. Hurry, everyone, lock up the white women. They's a black man loose! I bet an activist judge let him out of prison....

*People who have ridiculous spellings for their names that should otherwise be normal. Example: people named "Amy" who spell their name "Ammee" or people named "Katie" who spell their name "Catee." God, this irritates the shit out of me! Look, I realize it's hard to be looked upon as unique in today's society and maybe having a cool spelling of your name might make you think you are being an individual but couldn't you find a better way? Like, maybe, letting your personality make people remember you? Hey, it works for me!

*Guys who were dress shirts, dress shoes and THE MOST DISGUSTING PAIR OF JEANS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!! You know these idiots. They all look the same with their dork gel haircuts and really bad aftershave. What the fuck is the matter with you, dude? Are you going to a rodeo? Put on some slacks, for crying out loud, and stop looking like a douchebag.

*Fantasty Football. The other day I was watching a Vikings game at a bar. I saw someone there with a laptop. What the fuck? Can't people just go out with friends, have a beer and watch the game anymore?

*People who drive in the left lane very slowly. The left lane is FOR PASSING ONLY, FUCKERS! If you aren't going fast, then move the fuck over. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten dirty looks from people in the left fucking lane when I pass them. Or the times when there is a phalanx of cars in the left and right lanes. I have asked people about this and, while some express their frustration as well, others say, "Well, we all like to ride together here in Minnesota." I am not a violent man but this statement makes me want to go all Chow Yun Fat with two guns on motherfuckers that think this way.

*And while we are on the subject of transportation...the road construction projects in the West Metro have really gotten out of hand. I expect a normal level of suckage every year but when you literally can't go North (494 and Hopkins Crossroads closed) or East (494 and 62 closed), then why even leave your house?

What is irritating you this week? Thanks as always folks!
Love,
Mahrc

Tommy Can You Hear Me?

Well, well, well. It seems my ol buddy Tom DeLay has finally gotten hisself in trouble. What a shame! Two indictments...one for conspiracy and one for money laundering. Could it be true or is it a left wing conspiracy that is politically motivated? Remember back in 1994 when the Republicans where all ticked off (and rightfully so) at the corrupt Democrats that were in office? Well, now the tables have turned and...oh, wait. These charges can't be true. It's all political! It's all an evil plot by the left! The laws that apply to Democrats don't apply to Republicans.

Let's take a look at some facts. Texas law prohibits the use of corporate money for campaigns. Tom DeLay used corporate money for his campaign. And then he lied about it. He broke the law. So, what's all the hububb about and why isn't our boy Tommy on his way to prison?

It's because Ronnie Earle, the Travis country DA that is bringing the charges against DeLay, is actually the devil in disguise. He and all of his left wing communist pedophile buddies are conspiring against the good Reverend DeLay. It's all slander, I tell you, slander! There is no way any Republican could ever be crooked, right? They are, after all, God's chosen people. And we all know that the Democrats are hell bent on letting rapists run free in our schools teaching kids about how we evolved from monkeys and how the War in Iraq is about empire building.

All (semi) kidding aside, Republicans like to be the ones to stand on the high ground and say that you must follow these laws....only when it is convenient for them. They talk very highly of morals and values and following the letter of the law but when it applys to them...well, they seem to think they are above it. Maybe because God told them it was OK to wriggle out any kind of legality. After all, they know everything that God really wants. They do select his suits for Him, after all.

Republicans talk loud and often about states rights and the federal government staying out of people's lives and yet what happened with Teri Schiavo? They ignored Florida law, which gives the spouse power of attorney, and tried to pass a federal law to save her which, btw, is also against the law.

Another great example of this is Karl Rove. How ridiculous has this whole thing has gotten? Let's see. He broke federal law by revealing the identity of a CIA informant because he didn't like the fact that her husband had some not-so-nice things to say about President Bush and the War in Iraq. Karl Rove is essentially a traitor. Karl Rove should go to jail. He probably won't. Why?

Because once again the Republican PR machine has shifted into high gear and the American people, at least 60 million of them, will believe anything they are told by this administration. You can damn well believe that if anyone in the Clinton administration had done this, the right wingers would be calling for death by firing squad.

I guess Bill Frist is in trouble too for some Martha Stewart type convenient sale of stock. I don't know much about this one but if anyone else want to get into it, feel free.

Tommy, Karl, Bill, and all the rest of your pals need to get one simple message: THE LAW APPLYS TO EVERYONE. I know it has been a pretty sweet deal for you guys these last years but it had to end sometime. And what better place for it to end then prison. Think of it. You can confess all your sins and be born yet again. Hey, it worked for Charles Colson.

Charles Colson was the first man to be arrested in relation to the Watergate conspiracy. Colson's more notorious ideas, according to some reports, included spreading false information about Dan Ellsberg, author of the Pentagon Papers and firebombing the Brookings Institution. When he was found guilty of obstruction of justice he declared himself a born again Christian. He served seven months of a one to three year sentence in Alabama.

He has since become an outspoken member of the religious right and in October 2002, Colson, along with several other prominent American evangelical leaders, was a co-signer of the Land letter to President Bush which outlined a "just war" endorsement of the pre-emptive invasion of Iraq. How very Christian of him!

See guys, it all work out for you. Just have faith. Remember, if you are a Republican or vote Republican, the law doesn't apply to you!

Taking The Pledge

Well, it seems the Right is all bunged up again up the Pledge of Allegiance. Apparently those wacky judges are up to it again. They are letting the devil into our schools! How? A recent Ninth US District Appeals Court ruling that reciting the pledge in schools is an unconstitutional endorsement of religion.

A recent article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune focused on what students thought about saying the pledge. As you can imagine, there were a variety of answers but this one was my favorite.

"This was nation was founded on the belief and trust in God, and if we throw out 'under God', we might as well throw out all the other moral laws this nation was founded on." (Ryan Douvier, 16, Melrose, MN.)

Gee, I wonder what side of the aisle he and his parents are on? This quote is pretty much what everyone else on the right is saying. Think of it. Gasp! Horror! Oh, the humanity! We change the pledge the way it used to be before 1954 and...oh lordy...lordy...they's gonna be chaos in the street. People will be fornicating in public and saying the word "gay" at the dinner table. Yeah, if we change the pledge we might as well just open up all the jails and let the criminals run free. After all, that is what these liberals really want, isn't it?

Let's start with a fact. Are you listening, Mr and Mrs Conservative America? That's right, a fact. I know it's tough to look at these pesky things because they generally point out how totally fucked and hypocritical your point of view is but here it is: The phrase "Under God" was added into the Pledge of Allegiance by President Eisenhower in 1954. Before that time, no one said it. Hence, there wasn't any debate about saying the fucking pledge in the first place.

I also think that before that time most people were more comfortable with their Christianity. These days it seems that the evangelicals don't feel comfortable at all with themselves. They need to tell the world of their glorious faith. They want...sorry, require....the rest of the country to feel that way. Have you ever noticed that many fundamentalists don't even go to church? Odd as this may seem, most of my friends were are evangelicals can't find a church that suits them. Maybe it's because they are so far off from Christ's original message that they can't see the forest for the trees..

Just so we are all clear on this point: our founding fathers didn't have it in the original Pledge and, as a matter of fact, if you knew anything about history (which you don't because that would involve doing something "liberal" called "reading a book" and "learning."), the people that founded this country were trying to ESCAPE RELIGIOUS PERSECUTION!!! They wanted any reference to God as far out of government as possible. Stop trying to rewrite history and save that for 50 years from now when you can explain to future generations why our country took a vacation from intelligence from 2000-2008.

When I said the pledge in school (1973-1985), we never said "under God." And you know what? Somehow..someway (I know this is sooooo tough to understand, conservatives) I still felt patriotic. Yep. That's right. I can love America and keep my religion to myself. I don't need God to interfere with my patriotism. In my mind, the two things have NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH EACH OTHER! Can we please stop with all the founding fathers bullshit and just regain our sanity here, folks?

I have always thought that out of the mouths of babes comes pearls of wisdom and I will leave you all with this final quote from the same article.

"I believe 'under God' should be changed to a second of silence when everyone can think about what they believe in. Some people, Americans or people who come from other countries, don't believe in God. Also, maybe more schools would use it."

"A lot of little kids don't know what liberty and and justice mean. I think it should be changed to freedom and fairness. As a country, I think we should try harder to achieve these goals. "

I believe the Pledge of Allegiance is a tradition and it shouldn't be changed too much. It needs be more true to our changing country as well." (Luke Knoska,12, Wyoming, MN)

Judging Harriet

Well, Bush has made his second choice for the Supreme Court. And you know what? I am kinda happy about it. Now don't worry. I haven't gone crazy. I am not suddenly changing my mind and becoming a Bushite. Don't fret, dear reader, I will not be following a bizarre code of ethics in which the pursuit of wealth through needless death is viewed as being Christian. I will not be ignoring poor people in their time of need and in general ignoring reality.

No, folks I am actually happy with the nomination of Harriet E Miers to the Supreme Court. Do you know why? Because the Christian Conservative voting block is nervous and some are downright pissed off. And anytime that happens, well, it's time to break out the kettle of boiling oil and have ourselves a clam bake!

Apparently conservatives feel betrayed that Bush did not pick someone in the mold of Clarence Thomas or Anthony Scalia (as if even the two of them would overturn Roe V Wade.) They are dismayed that Miers (gasp!) contributed money to the Al Gore campaign and the Lloyd Bentsen campaign. And (oh no no no) Harry Reid recommended her to the president. And, sin of sins, she was the head of the Texas lottery and we all know what a work of the devil gambling has become. Satan himself must be somehow involved.

I know that all of you evangelical Christians out there are dying to force your monochromatic God on all of us but it will not happen this time. The court, while flawed in many ways, is going to stay exactly the same it always has. Your dreams of a world, which bears NOTHING IN COMMON WHATSOEVER WITH JESUS CHRIST, that treats half of our population like criminals will not come to fruition.

The president has made a choice based on the fact that he does not want any kind of fight. With approval ratings in the low 40s, Bush knows if he has any hope of retaining a majority in the mid-terms, he needs a down the middle choice for Justice. And that means, for the time being anyway, ejecting the Fundies from the capsule.

And that makes me a happy man.