Get Out Your Scorecards

Buried deep within the back pages of most major newspapers and aired at the end of each news hour on all of the major news networks was a story that only the "liberal" media could air.

The Democrats actually did something.

That's right, folks. I know it's hard to believe but for once a group of politicians kept their promise:

The First 100 Hours.

Nancy Pelosi, the current Speaker of the House of the United States House of Representatives, promised the American people that if they Democrats were elected in November of 2006, shit would get done. It has gotten done. And they even got it all done in only 42.5 legislative hours. For those of you keeping score on this so called "do nothing" political party, here are the facts:

Jan 9, 2007: Anti-terrorism recommendations of the 9-11 Commission. The first piece of legislation out of the gate was security. Why this had not been passed by conservatives and does not have the support of President Bush (two groups of people that supposedly want our nation safer) is a mystery to me. The new bill changes the formula for allocation of federal funds for distribution to states and cities which is good because places like Kentucky, Alabama, and Mississippi (three very conservative states btw) were getting more money than places like New York, California, and New Jersey get more. Gee, I wonder why. This bill also beefs up intelligence on our border and scanning of cargo coming into the US. (Passed 299-128, GOP Support 68)

Jan 10, 2007: Raised the Minimum Wage...to $7.15 an hour. Oh well, I guess more people will be making more money aka The End of the World is nigh. Lock up your daughters! (315-116, GOP Support 82)

Jan 11, 2007: Passed Stem Cell Research which lifts President Bush's restrictions on using federal funds for human embryonic stem cell research and puts our country back onto a path of actual thinking and away from the "let's use leeches and think good thoughts" method of science we have employed for the last seven years. (253-174, GOP support 37)

Jan 12, 2007: Passed Medicare Drug Prices plan which requires the US government to negotiate directly with drug companies to obtain lower prescription prices for seniors. Yep, now my grandmother and grandfather, ages 89 and 90 respectively, won't have to skip pills anymore because Anderson T. Wilson, CEO of Butt Ram Pharmaceuticals, needs to have a third vacation home. (Passed 255-170, GOP Support 24)

January 17, 2007: Passed Student Loans bill which would but the interest rate in half. Again, less money for rich people. How sad. (Passed 356-71, GOP support 124)

January 18, 2007: Passed a new Energy Policy which will roll back 14 billion dollars of tax breaks and subsidies for US Oil companies. The money will go into a reserve which will fund alternative energy. Probably the saddest one of all...because my life's goal is to make sure that this fat fuck to the left (recently retired Chairman of ExxonMobil, Lee Rayomond ) gets to continue to stuff his face full of one hundred dollar pastries. (Passed 264-163, GOP Support 36)

In addition, I am happy to report that on several of these issues my congressmen, Jim Ramstead, voted with the Democrats. Apparently he, along with several other Republicans, are starting to wake up and smell the coffee. The American people want change and if they don't get it, elected officials in Congress are going to be shown the door.

The same can not be said for Michele Bachmann (last seen making lipstick imprints on her 8 x 10 glossy of President Bush) however, voted against every one of these bills. I am so shocked by this that it is hard for me to even type right now. Just out of curiosity, and I really want an answer here, is it possible that there is someone who is more of a mindless sycophant than Michele Bachmann.?

Anyway, the reality is that the Senate will take longer to pass these bills and President Bush will more than likely veto the stem cell bill and the energy bill for sure. Even so, I am extremely heartened by the number of Republicans that voted on each of these bills; 82 for the minimum wage and 124 for the student loans bill are huge steps in the right direction and it may just be that I will have one or two less things to bitch about on this blog. Sigh....

But the most satisfying gift of all that the Democrats have given us is the one that plucks a large tomato from the cart and throws it squarely in the eyes of the naysayers. The constant dirge of verbal epithets, email, and posts on this blogs which characterize the Democrats as a "do nothing but whine" party can now be viewed as having the intrinsic worth of a bucket of warm spit. Isn't it odd that it took the Democrats, the supposed representatives of the irresponsible and lazy citizens of our country, to insist upon an actual 40 hour work week for Congress?

Do tell.

President Bush Goes on a Rampage

Well, not exactly a rampage but President Bush toured a Caterpillar plant in Peoria, Illinois two days ago and apparently got a little wacky. It seems our esteemed leader had some difficulty maneuvering the heavy machinery and almost took out some of those "liberal" media members.

Sgt. Perkins sent me this link

http://www.talk.newsweek.com/default.asp?item=464251

which details the story in further detail. The reason why I am posting it here is for all you to scroll down after the column and read the comments. They are hilarious. They are not unlike the comments on this blog and I found them to be quite refreshing, particularly the neocon remarks which further illustrate the bubble of unreality in which they currently reside. Enjoy!

Finally, Some Answers

Some of you have wondered why I call people stupid. Some of you wonder why people around the world hate us so much. Some of you may also wonder one of the chief reasons why I decided to become a teacher.

This video is your answer.

Origin of The Species

The other night I closed my eyes and started to think about all of the challenges we face as a nation. The turmoil in the Middle East, changing climate, and health care. Education. Poverty. Inequality. Abortion. All of these things floated through my mind as I was heading off to dreamland. With the exception of the Middle East, very simple solutions entered my mind and I began to wonder why they can't be implemented. It's a simple question with simple answer.

Conservatives.

That's right, folks. This may come as a shock to you that I would feel this way but conservatives are the major road block to most of the solutions to the problems our country faces. In fact, in some cases they are the cause of the problem. How is this possible? Liberals stand up to make a difference on these issues and conservatives, much a like a jealous younger sibling, rip them down -creating a cynicism about a particular issue where there should be none. Conservatives do a good job of creating conflict when there should be consensus.

Let's take a look at abortion and gay marriage; the two center pieces of the conservative agenda. Abortion is a problem in this country. I think we can all agree that it would be great if there were none. Conservatives would be ecstatic if there were no more abortions. So would liberals as it would take away a very large bit of ammo that conservatives have against the left. Let's end abortions now!

Oh, but wait. Can't do it. Because conservatives want people to abstain from sex. Liberals want people to be educated about sex and use birth control. Of these two choices, which do you think has the greater likelihood of succeeding? Conservatives will not give an inch on this issue and the base of their party is living in a fantasy land that refuses to provide simple education to people to prevent this horrible thing from happening. I have talked about this before but it needs repeating. It is a simple fact that if more people used birth control, there would be less abortions.

Liberals would like GLBTs (Gay Lesbian Bi-Sexual Trans genders) to have the same rights that everyone has. They would also like non-whites and women to be treated better. Conservatives absolutely do not want GLBTs having the same rights as the rest of the population and, in some cases, would like to see gay people locked up or shot. Conservatives are also under the horribly mistaken impression that racism and sexism are all but vanquished in this country and, oddly, take credit for it.

So, here again, we see liberals trying to solve what is very obviously a problem and conservatives blocking that solution and, in the case of GLBTs, fomenting hate. The same paradigm applies to the rest of the issues mentioned above.

Environment: Conservatives in this country, for the most part, think that global warming is a fantasy. They think, and this just makes me want to hit my head against a brick wall, that liberals created global warming to make money. The lap dogs of right wing radio spew lies so vile about this that it is hard for me to fathom the unreality that is unspooled. Ultra conservative industry leaders will never give an inch on the horror that they are creating and the people they have bought off (the Michele Bachmanns of the world) brainwash us into believing that global warming is a myth and everything will work out just fine.

Health Care: Conservatives health care plan is....don't get sick. Oh, and keep your paws off of my money.

Education: The conservative plan for education is: Let's create an army of robots who take tests well but don't actually learn anything. Oh, and let's ignore the fact that people of other races/nationalities learn differently than white people because who cares about them anyway?

Poverty: Conservative plan to attack poverty: poor people are lazy and should work harder. They shouldn't even be making the 5 dollars an hour that I am paying them. 7 dollars an hour? Are kidding me?

So, now who is open minded again and how is intolerant? Why should I accept them for who they are when they are part of the continuance of the problem? And, finally, look at all of the issues listed above and the atypical conservative response: doesn't it all revolve around money and keeping people stupid?

As if all of this stuff wasn't enough to get you in a mouth watering rage, conservatives then have the audacity to accuse liberals of being the cause of and/or hindrance to all of these problems. They shift the blame to liberals accusing them of being irresponsible or too idealistic and, oddly, don't even claim 50 percent of the responsibility themselves.

Make no mistake about it. Most of these problems have simple solutions and if it were left up to liberals, most of them would be either by solved or on a path to solution. For the last seven years, we have left things up to conservatives and, in all of these areas, have moved backwards. Look at these issues and decide for yourself, logically, which side thinks more about people and which side thinks more about money?

The greatest lie that I have ever heard in this country is that liberals are destroying everything. You hear that mantra constantly on the radio, the TV, the blogsphere, and among the people in your life. It is the ultimate re-direction because if you sit back and truly look at the issues, the real culprit is revealed.

OhmyGodIcan'tbelieve it

Did you hear? Oh my God, this is so awesome. I just heard this from Sierra after 3rd period gym and it is soooo totally cool.

Michelle got to kiss the president. And hug him and touch him for like....30 WHOLE SECONDS!!!

Check it out this cool video...
http://wcco.com/topstories/local_story_024193038.html

She is such a little hottie...gawd, I wish I were her. My daddy says she is the best. She does all the right things like when those people...like in our capital and stuff....those bad guys that now run things....when they tried to take my daddy's money away and give it to the spics and niggers, she voted against it. I don't see why they can't buy what they need for the 5 dollars an hour daddy pays them. Besides, how am I going to get my Mercedes for graduation and stuff?

Plus, daddy says that my home girl is going to make sure that all those people that shake around like a spaz and stuff just die off. How could anyone want to kill those cutie wutie babies so some retard can be normal. As if they would be normal anyway..

I still can't...y'know....believe it. She is so lucky...look at her...she is totally macking his shit and I don't get to...ah well, maybe someday....a girl can dream, right?

I gotta go...otherwise I'm gonna be late for Ms. Stuple's social studies class. Daddys says that her class em--emhance---em-somethings....I don't know but she loves terrorists and stuff.

Gotta go!

XXXOOO
Brettahny

A REAL Note From The Front

Last week, a regular reader of Notes From The Front emailed me the following:

Mark, I am always amazed at your very intelligent and worldly interpretations of the events and opinions. It is a great pleasure to find SO Much clear thinking in you and that you are brave enough to express it so freely.

Thank you,

Al-ilahat

Al-ilahat is from Iran and has been living here in Minnesota for the last 40 years or so. She travels back and forth to the Middle East quite frequently and, in the last three years, has been talking to "the person on the street" in various countries in the Middle East quite a bit lately. I consider her to have much more knowledge of the area then I do so I have decided to make her the first official correspondent for Notes From The Front and have given her the opportunity, this week, to post as a guest writer.

So, without further adieu, here is a true Note From the Front.

The Language of the Conversation Iraq

The language of the conversation about Iraq needs to change not the course. George Bush has wanted the people of the United States to believe that there is a danger to the United States and that Iraq represents every bit of danger that we face in the world. This is the lie and the total false cover for his personal need to remove Saddam from the picture. Saddam was the Bush family henchman just like Noriega and the Shah of Iran and perhaps even Musharraf if he is not careful. These people were recruited, trained and did all the dirty deeds in the name of “protecting our national interest”. It was a good cover for our arms sales, controlling OPEC, and eavesdropping on the good old Soviet Union.

If Saddam Hussein had been interrogated any more he would have had to admit to the fact that he waged War with Iran war on behalf the Bush family. We have all seen the pictures (left) of Rumsfeld visiting him in Iraq to provide him all the arms, aerial reconnaissance and tactics for that 9 year war. They bombed the oil fields in Southern Iran to retaliate for the Shah for wanting to raise oil prices and getting OPEC unified around him.

The language needs to change because the Muslim fanatics are angry with the United States for violating their sacred homeland with our troops. We betrayed them in Afghanistan when they fought the war on our behalf to remove the Soviets and clear the way for more oil pipelines in the region. The language has to change because the Bush family brought on the Islamic power in that region by supporting the Ayatollah Khomeini in to power to topple the Shah. We had seen this type of activity before in Central and South America. Islamicising really back fired and they are stuck. The anger we face from that region is not about jealousy for the "freedom" of the United States. It is about the US imposing what they perceive as being a inherently corrupt system on to them.

The people of the Middle East are hardworking and proud of their heritage and history. They have always lived with their rules and religious order. They are God fearing and mean it. The United States destroyed that social and moral web and abandoned them. Our modern methods were imposed on them without reason and without basis. The natural evolution of social and political self discovery has been disrupted by our greed and want of control. Much of this has been done in the hands of one Bush or the other. The arrogance and disdain for the humanity of that region had brought on all this hatred. Let’s change the language and call it what it is.


I want to end the killing of the people first, Americans, Iraqis, Iranians and others. Any course is better than this.

Al-ilahat

Welcome To The Shitsack

WCCO has a semi regular piece they run called Reality Check. They look at a story, dissect the spin, and then tell you what the facts actually are. In concert with that idea, I am going to start a new feature at Notes From The Front. We are going to have a fairly regular themed column which I lovingly call....The Shitsack.

While the Grab Bag is more about the variety of things that either irritate me or excite me, the Shitsack will focus exclusively on conservative language, dissect what they are saying and then explain very directly why they are completely full of shit. From time to time, I may also call it The Complete Sack of Shit which, of course, conveys a similar meaning.

To illustrate how each Shitsack will work, I thought it would be fun to talk about the word "liberal." The word liberal, as defined by conservatives, is:

1. Weak, whiny, narrow minded, criminal, thief of my precious money, traitor, scumbag and/or rapist of children.

The actual definition of liberal, according to Webster's dictionary is:

1. favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.

2. favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, esp. as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.

3.favoring or permitting freedom of action, esp. with respect to matters of personal belief or expression: a liberal policy toward dissident artists and writers.


4. of or pertaining to representational forms of government rather than aristocracies and monarchies.

5. free from prejudice or bigotry; tolerant: a liberal attitude toward foreigners.

6. open-minded or tolerant, esp. free of or not bound by traditional or conventional ideas, values, etc.

7. characterized by generosity and willingness to give in large amounts: a liberal donor.

8. .given freely or abundantly; generous: a liberal donation.

So, clearly we can see that conservatives have taken their large, grabastic paws and dug deeply into the Shitsack. I think we can all agree that, based on the actual definition of the word liberal, this is something to which we should all aspire. Interestingly, the word conservative, according to Webster's, is defined as:

1. resistant to change

2. cautiously moderate or purposefully low

3. unimaginatively conventional

Whee-hoo...sign me up for that!!!

Anyway, now that we have gotten the basic rules for the Shitsack out of the way, let's all put on our rubber glovies and look no further to our very own Notes From The Front for this week's Complete Sack of Shit from conservatives. In a recent post in comments, a conservative told the story of a report on ABC by John Stossel who made the claim that people of faith or conservatives give more to the poor than non religious or liberal people. This story was mentioned to me at the gym by several conservative friends of mine and I noticed articles about it popping up in the papers.

I knew at the time that the Shitsack had been dug into very deeply but I really didn't have all the facts to back up my responses. Now I do.

To begin with, if you are going in actual dollar amounts, atheists win hands down and people of faith don't have a fucking prayer:) Why? Because the biggest donors to charity in our country are Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, who have donated billions of dollars to charity. Both of them are self-proclaimed atheists. Buffet even donated 90 percent of his fortune to Bill Gates's foundation. But, y'know, let's be fair to religious people because they can't really be expected to keep up with the likes of Buffet and Gates....monetarily speaking.

So, what are some other reasons this claim belongs in the Shitsack?

Michelle Bachmann, left, our esteemed congresswoman from the Sixth District here in Minnesota, voted against increasing the minimum wage. Huh? She is very religious person who espouses hard work to get ahead. So the people who are working hardest in this country should make less money? According to her, the minimum wage hike will hurt businesses....well, maybe the conservative ones that give all their money to charity as opposed to the liberal ones that pay more to their employees and thus have none left over for charity, right?

Bachmann's "generosity" is typical of conservatives who seem to give all the breaks to rich corporations and yet none to social programs. Claiming that this money will trickle down to employees, conservatives consistently cut taxes for the rich. The fact is that in 1985 CEO's compensation was, on average, 20 times that of one of it's workers. In 2005, CEO's make 400 times as much as their average worker.

Wow. That's a heckuva trickle. Must be that new "non wet" water....y'know the kind that is invisible.

In addition, Blue states give more to the federal government in taxes....red states give less. Yet, most of the this money goes to the red states. For example, between 1991 and 2001 California paid $253.5 billion in federal taxes over the amount it received from the federal government. These subsidies went to red states like Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana, who received $100.1 billion, $86.93 billion and $84.3 billion, respectively, above what they paid to the federal government. So, liberals in California are funding conservatives in the South now? Hey, waitaminute....suddenly I have decided that I want to be a conservative!!! No more taxes!!!

Now, I consider myself to be a person of faith so I am not ripping Christians here....just the ridiculous claim that people of faith and/or conservatives "give more" to the poor. It is flat out wrong. It's another example of conservatives trying to spin a great lie into a truth. When you hear comments like this from conservatives, just pull out the Shitsack.

And throw it at them.

God Help Us All....

Before we get to the insanity that was the president's address to the nation last night, I want to respond to those conservatives, who I know read this blog but don't post, who have harangued me for "hating" Bush and stopping at nothing to destroy him. I do not hate President Bush... personally. Chances are, he and I, both sharing a love for the St Louis Cardinals, would get along famously at a ball game. It's not him personally that I detest. I loathe his actions.

When he starts to behave in a thoughtful, intelligent manner befitting the leader of the free world, then yes....I will have some kind things to say about him. This ridiculous idea that all liberals are "out to get Bush" is a not-so-clever ploy to re-direct us from the utter incompetence with which our country is being run. When I hear people tell me, well you just "hate Bush" so of course you aren't going to support him my response is...

No.

It's his actions. And if you can't see that what he is doing is horribly wrong, then how can I help you? Because you see, dear readers, that we have gone far past the point of "opinions" and we are now into fact. Or reality.

More and more I am beginning to believe that at least 20 percent of this country have completely lost their minds. I spend a fair amount of time to try to understand their mindset but the things that come out of the mouths....as was displayed on a recent broadcast of the Rush Limbaugh show.....are just plain wrong. "We have to give President Bush a chance," they say or "People are just out to destroy him." Give him a chance? What the fuck have the last four years been about?

Other comments heard were "We are fighting for our freedom" or "The terrorist want us to leave." I just...I am at a loss as to what to say anymore if people think this is true...I have gone from anger and frustration to a profound sense of sadness at what little thought these people have put into something so important....so vital.

Clearly, there was no thought in President Bush's speech last night. More or less, it was the same rhetoric with little movement in his position. His military commanders on the ground, most of Congress, and at least 80 percent of the American Public are against adding additional troops. Both the incoming and outgoing generals in charge of the operation say it's a bad idea.

Would someone please explain to me his thought process? I admit to being a dick a lot of the time on this blog but I really want to try to understand how a troop increase benefits us? More importantly, the supposed "mainstream" which neocons tout as being in touch with are overwhelmingly against this action. Many Republicans have said that all troop increase will do is offer more targets to the insurgency.

The only explanation that I can come up with is that President Bush and the people who are supporting him in this can't admit when they are wrong. George Bush was the wet dream of conservatives who were so angered by eight years of Bill Clinton that they didn't even bother to look into the man's history of failure. When George Bush failed in the oil business, people lost money. When he failed as the owner of baseball team, people lost money. When he failed as Governor of Texas, people in that state lost their standard of living.

His failures as president have cost people their lives. I believe that his past failures are what are driving him now. He will not back down. He will not admit he was wrong. He will keep going to try prove to all of us that he is "better than his daddy" (who oddly was not all that "good.") More people are going to die as a result of his wholly inappropriate hubris. He needs to stop what he is doing and I don't know if we can stop him.

It's that same hubris with the conservatives that are still in support of this president. They will never admit they are wrong and it will always be the fault of the liberals. Having only the conviction of your own vanity is how these people roll and, make no mistake about it, it is their myopic hatred of "liberals" like Bill Clinton and others that have put us into this position.

So, neocons, the next time you open your mouth to spout off about liberal hate and other overly simplistic delusions, why don't you take a look in the fucking mirror? And while you are it, maybe you can show President Bush the way to the rest room as well.

A Fond Farwell

Before we get to my picks, let's break out the hankerchiefs and bid a hearfelt farewell to those that we lost in 2006

BOOK LINK

CLICK HERE FOR NEW GOING DOWN ON LOVE BOOK LINK

BEST OF 2006

2006 was a wondrous year for music, television and film. Some really cool stuff came out this year and, in thinking about my annual tradition, it was hard for me to pick my favorites. So many artists and filmmakers stand out as doing exceptionally interesting work in 2006.

I have to say that it (finally!) feels like we are on our way out of the somewhat recent trend of boring music, dull television, and the same old movies. Thank God!

Now onto the picks...

BEST CD

I think this is the first year that the Best CD of the year came out two weeks after the year started. I have talked about it all year and even got to see them play live in Chicago right after my birthday. There has not been a CD that came out since January 16th that has equalled Arctic Monkey's Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I Am Not. In fact, the only release that come close is Leave Before The Lights Come On.......the latest single by Arctic Monkeys which does not appear on the CD.

What a delight this music is for fans who like everything from The Beatles to Oasis and in between. It's just a great collection of tunes for anyone, really, but the songs really tell the story of what it is like to be young, in love, and hitting the pubs and clubs. Arctic Monkeys tore through 2006 like the Pistols did in 1976 and I am anxiously awaiting their follow up album due sometime in late 2007 or early 2008.

The other impressive thing about this band is they did it all without any major label support and buzz created from My Space. Hey, all you major label A and R dorks who work for the man...your days are numbered...it's a whole new world out there!!

BEST TV SHOW

This one was tough. Battlestar Galactica got better, 24 got way better, The Sopranos returned after a long hiatus with some great shows, and Lost is just plain insane right now. So, needless to say, the choice was tough.

But a little show came along that made me excited about Monday nights again. I used to love to watch football on Mondays but have become very bored with the NFL of late. The parity in the league makes for some very dull games. In addition, I have also yearned for genre or sci fi fantasy TV to dominate the airwaves again. NBC has delivered in spades.

Heroes is the Best Show on TV. Saving the cheerleader and saving the world only scratched the surface of this incredibly exciting, multi layered character driven story. There are mysteries just like the ones on Lost but there are more answers. And people talk more like ordinary people talk. It drives me nuts on Lost because people don't spend their entire days talking in riddle language.

That does not happen on Heroes. It's all about action, mystery, intrigue, and yes, Super Heroes!! Yeah, that's right...I am letting my inner geek gush out all over the place. Heroes also has what is probably the most interesting character to come to TV in the last 20 years...coincidentally named Hiro! The Japanese Actor Masi Oka is a marvel to watch and deserves many kudos.

Combined with the undeniably fun Dr. Who and Life On Mars from the BBC, here's hope that the realm of the mysterious continues for a long time.

BEST FILM

Another tough one because there were so many good films. The U.S. vs. John Lennon was noteworthy not only because it had my favorite subject :) but because of its insight into our current administration's lust to gain access to every aspect of our lives. In fact, this film had the cinematic line of the year which was uttered by Gore Vidal:

"Mr Lennon represented life and Mr. Nixon and Mr. Bush represent death."

Of course, there were the fun movies as well. James Bond returned (as he always does) with Casino Royale. It was the best Bond entry since The Living Daylights and Daniel Craig kicked serious ass as the new Bond. Jet Li's Fearless was a veritable ton of chop sockey fun. Kevin Smith's Clerks II was so funny that I needed to stop by the Hennepin County Medical Center for oxygen.

But the best film of the year was not a comedy or an action movie. Nor was it a chick flick or a "gee, I have never gotten over being 15 years old" stupid ass horror film. The best film of the year was a poignant reminder of what we have lost.

Emilio Estevez's Bobby is the best film of 2006 because it shows us the last time we had a leader (or almost had a leader) that wanted to change things for the better. The central message of the film is that Bobby Kennedy was the "last one" in a serious of extraordinary men (JFK, Dr. King) who would've made our country better. They were all killed by men who were seriously threatened by these plans to achieve parity in our country and this film shows us, through the eyes of fictional characters, how RFK represented that final, last hope.

The film's closing sequence, using audio from actual interviews with Bobby Kennedy, is gut wrenching and I found myself weeping at what we, as a nation, lost that day. It was particularly awful considering where we are today and I found myself wondering what Mr. Kennedy would think of our country's current state and direction. If any of you know anything about Robert Kennedy, then you already know what the answer would be.

So, those are my picks for 2006. What are yours? Leave Comments below....

The Definition of a Winner

Alright, so I know that I said I was going to post my Best of 2006 this week. I will...it's just going to be a bit later in the week. I know you are all waiting with bated breath to see what my picks are for the Best CD, Best TV Show and Best Film of 2006 but you are just going to have to wait.

Because last night I witnessed the greatest football game I have ever seen.

Before we take a look at the clip highlighting why the game was the greatest, I would like all of the fucking losers here in Minnesota (Gopher hockey excluded of course) who think they can run a sports program to take note of Chris Peterson. Yes, that's right Major Childress and Idiot Maturi...Chris Peterson, first year head coach of the Boise State Broncos knows how to win.

Y'see folks, I am real sick and tired of the likes of Brad Childress, head coach of the Minnesota Vikings , and the dumbest fucking athletic director in the NCAA, Joe Maturi of the U of M with their "let's play not to lose" conservative bullshit. More than anything, I would like 5 minutes with each of them. There is no doubt in my mind that I could turn the Minnesota Vikings, Gopher Football, and Gopher Basketball progams into WINNING endeavors.

My 5 minutes with the little Major would go something like this. I would explain to him that, sitting in my chair at home or at the Spring Street Bar, where I watch Vikings games, I can tell which of the six offensive plays, from his grand playbook, he is going to run. If I can tell what he is going to do, then imagine what someone who watches sixty hours of film a week can see. I bet Bill Bellichik wrapped his film day after about one hour of viewing. In addition, having a tough run defense is great. Giving up an eight yard passing cushion over the middle of the field on every single play is not great.

I may not even need 5 minutes with dumbfuck. I would simply say to him that a B- average is not failing and if he wants to recruit decent athletes to come to the U, he should hold them to a standard of...say a 70 percent or better which I think is fair. But I don't think the man can tell where he is half of the time so it might be pointless. He certainly doesn't have any clue how to win.

What would be pointful (if there is such a word) is for the little Major, asshead, and the rest of us here in Minnesota pining for a real winner to watch this clip and see what having some fucking sack can bring you. Someone on YouTube put together a great highlight reel of the end of last night's Fiesta Bowl between the Oklahoma Sooners and the Boise State Broncos.

For some reason, I can't import YouTube today, so follow this link....and enjoy....I anxiously await your comments as I have several!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENwDDB0dlRk

The Last Post

This is my last post of the year. I was all set to put up my usual "Best of" for 2006 (it will be up next week) but I was inspired by a recent speech on the Senate floor.

The Republican Senator from Oregon, Gordon Smith, at the end of a "lame duck" session, stood up and spoke from his heart. He had just returned from a trip to Iraq and his words were poignant and straight to the point.

It's worth talking about for two reasons. The first is for me to be humble and admit that I was wrong. It's true. Not all Republicans have hearts black as the night and have the central goal of ruining my children's future.

The second reason is that the tide is finally turning. This complete and utter bag shit that we have all been in the last five years is finally showing some peaks of light. People on the right side of the aisle are starting to question President Bush, broaden their minds, and become people of good faith.

It is words like the ones below that make me feel something I haven't felt in long time.

Hope.

"I have concluded that we are employing strategies that are needlessly getting kids killed."

"I, for one, am at the end of my rope when it comes to supporting a policy that has our soldiers patrolling the same streets in the same way, being blown up by the same bombs day after day,"

"That is absurd. It may even be criminal."

Gordon Smith (R) Oregon, December 7, 2006.

Well Well Well.....

"The most painful aspect of the presidency is the fact that I know my decisions have caused young men and women to lose their lives."

President George W. Bush

Dec 20, 2006

No fucking shit, Sherlock. And isn't that what I have been saying all along?

Smellin' Some Mo

Something must be going on. Three bits of complete and utter vindication in one week!!Normally, I am not one to say I told you so but....

Neocons,

I TOLD YOU SO!!!

.......fuckers.

In the great debate of whether or not our country is being run by regime similar to Hitler's Third Reich, I win and all of you "gee isn't everything wonderful and our country is soooo morally superior " naysayers lose.

Today, The New York Times published the story of two men named Donald Vance and Nathan Ertel. Please click here and read the story.

Wasn't that a pleasant tale?

Scanning through old posts and remembering dinner/bar conversations I have had with conservatives, I recall most of them saying that as long as Americans were not being hauled away and held without representation or trial that our country was not like Nazi Germany. Well, as I predicted, we actually are like that and I am thoroughly disgusted. These two men were wrongly accused and sentenced to jail for no good reason at all.....unless, of course, you count reporting to the FBI that illegal weapons trading has been going on in Iraq. Clearly, in the year 2006, Bush Co does not approve of people trying to do the right thing. Even when they are people who, more than likely, supported the war in the first place so they could make shitload of cash!!

No, no folks. As I have been saying all along, our current leadership will stop at nothing to cover up the shit they have done. We have become a nation of fear mongering buffoons who will go along with anything our government tells us. If anyone out there still believes that these people are "moral," I would seriously consider consulting a neuro surgeon to check for brain damage.

After reading the nauseating account of Donald Vance, I am left with this question: how many more of him are there? Languishing in prison for trying to do something right? And why has taken so long for the "liberal" media to report stories like this? Is it because Vance is the first white, Midwesterner to get fucked over by an ever growing fascist cabal?

Y'know, when the Democrats won last November and Bush looked like someone punched him in the gut, I was willing to try to be nice and work together. I had the insanely silly thought that maybe we could come to some sort of middle road on Iraq and move forward with a plan that benefits everyone.

But after Bush's obvious reluctance to listen to the ISG report and now this story...I think it is time to put the "I" word on the table again.

That Sweet Smell

What's that I smell in the air? Ah, yes. It's that sweet smell of Markadelphia being totally vindicated. The FEC (Federal Election Commission) has ruled that Swift Boat Veterans and POWs for Truth will pay $300,000 in fines for violating campaign laws in the 2004 election. In the 2004 campaign, the group spent $20.4 million criticizing Kerry's military record in Vietnam. Much of the group's claims about Kerry's service were never substantiated (translation: they lied because they are a bunch of douchebags who will stop at nothing to retain power.)

It does my heart proud to see this group's feet in the fire for all the rotten crap they did two years ago. I recall bitching about it then and neocons saying to me (please imagine a voice similar to Biff from Back To The Future here), "Well, Kerry brought it up...his Vietnam service...it's his own fault." Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot. Democrats can't serve their countries heroically because they are all cowards.

Right....

In addition, MoveON. Org and the League of Conservation voters were fined around $100,000 each for violating campaign laws which I also think is a good thing. The candidates should have to speak for themselves and be judged by their actions.

The other wonderful bit of vindication came from the agent of Joel Zumaya, relief pitcher for the Detroit Tigers. He admitted that one of the reasons he pitched so poorly against the Cardinals in the World Series was because his arm had muscle damage from.....playing video games too much. Apparently Zumaya plays PS2's Guitar Hero 4-6 hours a day.

What a constructive way to pass the time. Maybe he needs to order the shoulder straps they are making for Nintendo players. The New York Times reported yesterday that Nintendo is making a harness of some kind to prevent players from breaking TVs, ceiling fans, and other assorted furniture due to their exuberance and playing various video games.

Wow. What a wonderful place our country has become.

Grab Bag

It's high time for another Grab Bag...I hope you enjoy it

McFuck Off!!
A couple of weeks ago, I was out with a couple of my female friends clubbing. A hot guy walked by and one of the girls turned to turned to the other and said, "Whew! He is a Nasty McHottie!"

Would someone please explain to me the current desire people have to put "Mc" into every single flargin' dumb ass, cute little nickname?

McDreamy, McSteamy, McShasta.....I am going McCrazy here!!! Putting "Mc" in front of any sort of name, noun or any other word makes you sound like you....spend too much time at McDonalds. Please cease and desist with this ridiculous tomfoolery.

I don't think I can take it anymore.



No More Babies
Will all of you please join me in a letter writing campaign to every single TV news network to beg them to stop airing stories about couples who have quintuplets, sextuplets, septuplets or any other insanely silly amount of children at one time?

I am so underwhelemed (to the point of being ecstatic at finding a cure for insomnia) when I turn on the TV and see the latest story of two pasty mouth-breathers who have had 9 kids at once. And while we are at it, can we beg them to PLEASE stop airing conjoined twins stories. I didn't like it when Barnum made a spectacle out of them and I really don't like it now.

The Pace Car
Lately, I have noticed on our lovely highways a new phenemenon: the driver who takes maniacal glee in setting the pace for all of the rest of us. Traveling South on Shady Oak Road recently, a car pulled out in front of me from McDonalds (probably someone who uses "Mc" in cute little nicknames) and then proceded to make sure that he went 30 in a mickey frickin' 40. A line of cars built up behind me, with people honking, at which time he proceded to flip us all the bird. When it widened to two lanes, he purposely moved to stay in front of all of us and continue to go slow. He turned around several times to laugh at the seven or so cars in line. At first I thought he was just a psycho but I have since seen and heard of similar incidents. In fact, a friend of a friend said she enjoyed going slower in front of a bunch of people just to "slow everyone down and relax." I don't know about all of you but I really don't have the time to jack off in my car all fucking day so if you are a "Pace Car," you are a dick.

It's All In The Name
The Democrats should change their name. They should also declare that they are no longer "liberals" as that name has gotten so much bad PR. Their new name should be the Progressive Party of America and they should demand to be referred to as "humanists" and not liberals. All references to Democrats or liberals (and of course all the chiding) would become antiquated and a new paradigm would be born.

Neocons frustration level would be at an all time high. Think of Ann Coulter or Sean Hannity saying, "Well, the Democrats...oops, I mean the Progressives or whatever they are calling themselves now...have done it again with blah blah..." Most Americans would flip the channel before neoncons could even make their point...if they actually had one to begin with.....

The TU Brigade
And finally, sorry ladies, but the jig is up and I am on to you. ALL of you. Over my years of experience with the opposite sex, I have noticed that several of you have expressed a certain reticence with the "from behind" position also quaintly know as doggy style. Just so we are clear, by doggy style I mean vaginal sex from behind, not anal sex.

The universal excuse I have heard over the years is, "Well, I have what's called a tipped uterus so that position makes me uncomfortable." While a tipped uterus can be common in women, this simple fact (according to three doctors I polled along with several ladies) does not mean that doggy style sex should be or is uncomfortable. One particular women I polled has a tipped uterus and likes to have her ass pounded regularly in that position. It happens to be her favorite. Anyway, I am tired of hearing this baloney from you girls. Perhaps your man is too large or you are too tight but there is no medical reason, like a tipped uterus or anything else, for doggy style sex to be uncomfortable. There is, of course, the mental/emotional/psychological one:

The fact that you think you have a fat ass.

First of all, in my opinion, unless your ass is as big as the one pictured at left, chances are you have nothing to worry about. In fact, most women I know think that their butts are too big when, in fact, they look quite yummy to me. Interestingly, all of the women who have told me that they have tipped uteruses (and thus don't like doggy style) ALL have bigger butts which proves my theory to be true. I think that you girls have decided that we men are stupid and you could pull a fast one on us.

Well, we are stupid but that's not the point. You think that you can throw some fancy shmancy female anatomical wizardry at us and then we'll just give up the greatest position in the history of sex? Do you think we are just going to go along with that? Dude, seriously, you have got to get over that "I have a fat ass so I am going to tell a bunch of lies, bullshit and he is a dumb ass male so he will beleive me" thing. Enough with the dishonesty.

Stick that booty up in the air and let your fella rock out!! I can guarentee that he will love it....no matter how "big"you think you are. So, sorry, gals, but it's not going to be that easy anymore. I pride myself on knowing more about female anatomy than every man I know and even most women. I am hear to tell everyone that having a tipped uterus does not automatically and anatomically mean that doggy style is uncomfortable. I will be singing this FACT to the highest mountains and shattering your little ploy of misinformation.

If you don't like to get fucked from behind, just say you don't like it. Or, better yet, talk to your man about why you don't like it and see if he is willing to lift up that left butt cheek with his right hand and put his left hand underneath to work that clit a little bit. This simple action will make you believe in God.

And then maybe then you can learn to enjoy that position.

The Gang Of Ten

Well, the Gang of Ten released their report about Iraq. I am sorry to inform all of you that things in Iraq are "grave and deterioring." The violence is worsening and broadening in its complexity and scope.

What the? Wait just a dol garn minute here. I thought that the media was only reporting the bad news. Do you mean to tell me that former Secretary of State James Baker, the man who singlehandedly ended the Cold War with a walk in the woods, could possibly know what he is talking about? Or any of the other members of the panel with a thousand years of foreign policy experience? Is it possible that these highly intelligent men have gotten it right?

Some interesting points that I thought came out of this report, followed by Markadelphia's usual sarcastic comments.

1. The United States must diplomatically engage other nations in the region such as Syria and Iran in order to help stabilize the situation in Iraq.

Aw, that's bullshit. I thought the WWE form of diplomacy we are currently engaged in was working so well. Dad gummit all, now we have to talk to those frikkin' firners again...I can't understand half of what they are sayin......we need to stick with the "let's pretend to be tough even though we don't really know what to do" approach. C'mon people!

2. The United States Army must increase its trainers from 2000 troops to 15,000 or 20,000 troops to assist the Iraqi Army?

And we haven't been doing this because.....?

3. Combat troops will be out of Iraq by 2008.

Well, it figures that a bunch of old farts and Defeatacrats would write this baloney. None of these people know what the hell they are doing anyway....

Folks, I have to say that I watched the whole presentation on CNN on Wednesday and felt completely and utterly vindicated. Everything that I have said on this blog has come true. President Bush looked like a little boy whose dad's pals just bailed him out of jail for drunk driving. His policy in Iraq has been a disaster from the very beginning and was a course we should not even have taken in the first place.

His initial reactions to the report reveal an attitude of...well, a nine year old boy. "I'm not gonna" is basically what he said to many of their recommendations. What a fucking joke. Is there anyone out there who has any respect for this guy anymore? Good lord...

Thankfully, people with intelligence and good character have come to our commander's and our country's rescue and we now have a plan to move beyond the deep shit we are in right now. Hopefully we are on a path to some sort of resolution. Of course, to hear the neocons sounding off all day on the radio on Thursday one would think that Hugo Chavez wrote the document. The fact that there are still people in this country that think that staying the course and things are fine in Iraq....well, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised.

I look back on the last three and half years and see the neocon's web of unreality unspooling before our very eyes. Even Fox News has finally given up. The day the report was released they spent most of it on the Shuttle launch....which was eventually scrubbed.....what a riot!

Trouble In River City!!!!

Oh no. It has to come to this. Evangelicals are fighting amongst themselves.

It seems that the Christian Coalition of America elected a new President named Dr. Joel Hunter.
Upon his election, Dr. Hunter, a senior Pastor at the Northland Church Group in Florida, had the audacity to........wait for it...... speak of his desire to want evangelicals to follow the path of Jesus Christ more closely. Y'know, that whole bit in the Gospels about serving the poor and maintaining a clean environment.....the stuff that Jesus actually talked about...as opposed to the "let's kill all the fags" and "enslave the whores" parts of the scripture that don't exist at all.

Well, you can imagine what happened after that. Lawdy! Lawdy Lawdy! It was chaos. The Alabama chapter of the Christian Coalition quit. The Mississippi chapter threatened to quit. Some Christian conservatives quietly supported Dr. Hunter but were afraid to speak up....in case they got branded a....LIBERAL! Jerry Falwell, and other evangelicals, fretted over the fact that if Christian Conservatives began allying themselves with these left wing causes, they could...(tearful sniffing here) be brainwashed and brought into the evil cabal of liberalism.

So, the Board of Directors of the Christian Coalition forced Dr. Hunter to step down and now they have to go and elect a whole new president....one that will continue to make up a bunch of shit that Jesus never said and act as God's official mouthpiece on moral judgement.

In a recent interview on CNN, Dr. Hunter spoke of his vision of Christianity in America. He truly wants people to focus on serving the poor (gasp!) and improve the environment (Oxygen! I need oxygen! Can someone get me some O2?). He feels that enough has been said and done about gay marriage and abortion. Christians around the world need to broaden their perspective and look to Christ for guidance. Please click here to watch the full interview:

Dr. Hunter on CNN

My message to the board at the Christian Coalition and the people that support them:

Your party is just about over.

Thank You, Dumb Asses!!!

As we sit down to Thanksgiving dinner this week, let us take the time to thank the people that are the real reason why our nation is going down the toilet. No, it's not the Neocons as many of you would believe. And it's not the Democrats. It's the fucking slobs in the picture to the left.

Can you take a guess at what they are doing?

They are waiting in line at a Best Buy in Richfield, Minnesota to buy a Play Station 3.

What a bunch of losers.

This was the picture, with accompanying story, on the FRONT PAGE of the Minneapolis Star and Tribune last Thursday, November 16th. Wow, that's some real news there, folks! These two dorks waited in line, camping out, for five days to be some of the first people to be able to buy the new video game system. There were similar scenes around the country and in West Bend, Wisconsin a man was injured while trying to get one of the systems at a Wal Mart.

He was running so fast and out of control that he slammed into a pole, head first, and had to be taken to a hospital.

The sight of this mouth breather running into a pole for a fucking video game is, I believe, an excellent metaphor for the United States of America in 2006. We are so dumb that we:

A. Elect a man like George W. Bush
B. don't care about 50 million people who have no health insurance
C. are ambivalent about thousands dying in Iraq and elsewhere in the world
D. are the fattest, stupidest, laziest bunch of slobs on the face of this earth.

Video games are fucking stupid. They are complete waste of time and if these morons that spend days waiting outside for a PS3 spent that time to make the world a better place....the world would be a better place.

I know that my children will be soooo thankful that all the gaming douche bags of the world have their priorities straight. It's a wonderful feeling to realize that the two dicks in the sleeping bags in their little chairs up top are going to be running the country some day. Wonderful.

So, as you sit down to devour your holiday bird, give thanks to the thousands of brain dead sycophants who have elected to waste their time staring at a TV and carrying out frighteningly violent and sick fantasies.

Thank You, Dumb Asses!