Grab Bag

It's only 11 days into the New Year and I'm already scratching my head...wondering what the FUCK is the matter with people? So, whenever I get into that mindset, the first thing I think of is......Grab Bag!

At this particular point in time, my ruminations are centered around the sadly obvious: our nation is filled with lazy, drunk children whose only desire in life is to have an infinite vacation in their fucking Snuggies.

Take, for example, a Facebook friend of mine who recently put up a Photo album entitled "Jammy Pub Crawl." Yes, that's right, folks. A group of adults couldn't be bothered to put on FUCKING CLOTHES to go out in public so they wore their pajamas as they went from bar to bar.

Really?

Setting aside the fact that most of the people on the Jammy Pub Crawl were probably more comfortable in pajamas (see: Time To Seriously Consider Salads), I was positively awestruck at this new low. Of course, when I related this story to Zombie Girl on the phone yesterday, I discovered the bottom was much deeper and possibly never ending: A Snuggy Pub Crawl.

So this is what our country has come to...a nation of man-childs and woman-childs who have to wear their blankies out in public so they can feel all snuggly-wuggly when they wet their diapers and poop themselves. Good Lord....

Linked closely to this is the concept of Sunday Funday...two words I have heard quite frequently in the last two years. For those of you who don't know, Sunday Funday is a child like happy fun time way of saying, "I want to drink all day on Sunday and feel better about myself because this way it sounds cuter." And we all know that kids are cute!

Certainly, I have been known to get a good day time drunk going...if there is a game on or if I am at a music festival. And it's always fun to get drunk at any time of the day and fuck the crap out of a loved one. But dressing it up in a tickle me fucking Elmo metaphor is pathetic. Just say what it is and be proud of it: you're an alcoholic.

Why is our culture so bent on remaining in diapers? When I came up to Mpls to go to school, I wanted to be an adult. I may have not been emotionally ready but I did try to be. I went to bars, macked chicks, saw bands, and got involved in adult like endeavors (art openings, poetry readings, learning a trade and/or skill). Today, teenagers seem to want to go in the opposite direction. One of my fellow tennis instructors is in his sophomore year at college. He put up a picture of himself and his fellow dorm mates ( some girls as well) Building a Fort. They proceeded to play "Harry Potter" and pretend the fort was Hogwart's.

Huh?

When I had a group of guys and girls in my dorm room, it was a party. We'd drink. Maybe smoke a little. Make out...fuck...talk about life, the universe and everything. And what do the youth of America do today? Pretend to be a boy wizard fighting an evil, dark man. Oooooo....sounds all scawy and stwuff!

Seriously, though, getting drunk in your diapers on a Sunday and playing Harry Potter is tough work. And what better way to unwind than the Eternal Holiday Season. I've had four people in the last two days tell me that they are going to Christmas parties in the next few weeks. Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't Christmas officially end at 12:00 AM on December 26th? I'm a fair guy, though so maybe the holiday season can run through New Year's but after that it's fucking over and time to get on with your life. If you want to have a party in January, have an MLK party and talk about what Dr. King means to this country. Don't worry. You can still drink and take pride in the fact that his dream has been realized in so many ways:)

This is easier said than done, though, especially when Christmas starts on November 1st. In fact, when you think about it, there's always some fucking holiday to be celebrated every month. In January, there's the New Year. In February, it's President's Day-go buy a new mattress. In March, it's St Paddy's Day and Spring Break (two Wooo Girl holidays). In April, it's Easter. In May, it's Mother's Day and Memorial Day. In June, Father's Day. In July, the 4th. In August, it's National Golf Month. In September, it's Labor Day. In October, Halloween. In November, Thanksgiving. And in December, it's Christmas. And these are just the main ones.

Pick any month and, honestly, every day is fucking holiday in this country. Couldn't we have just one day that's nothing? Where no one does anything out of the ordinary and doesn't make a fuss? No. We can't. And I'll tell you why we can't. It's because of the children. For you see, dear readers, for every holiday, there has to be a Holiday Pageant. Remember when you were a kid and your church would have a Christmas show? The choir would sound beautiful singing carols, some kids would sing...a little off key perhaps but it was cute...and a re-enactment of the birth of Jesus Christ would be performed.

That world is gone.

I sadly realized this as I was watching our church's pageant this year. Mediocrity to piss poor was the order of the evening. To begin with, the adult choir was fucking awful. Just terrible. All the men were off key and the women sounded shrill and massively fucking irritating. Did they even practice? Some of the kids were OK but the soloist (a boy) was so bad I think the only note he hit correctly was a J flat. And people clapped when he was done. What?!? Worse still, there was no re-enactment of Christ's birth but a modern story about a kid giving up his new robot to a poor kid. While I applaud the spirit of giving, we're in church, folks. It's Christmas. Let's hear the story of Christ's birth and talk about how much he gave leading up to Easter.

Of course, everyone cheered and said the show was great. NO, IT FUCKING WASN'T!!! It totally gargled my balls and sucked my ass. And that's being kind. I looked around and wondered if I was the only one who was physically nauseous. Sure as shit, I was.

Everyone had this doughy, vacant look on their face...like they were barely there mentally. In many ways, the audience at church reminded me of a collection of oafish baboons...fascinated only by the bright shiny lights of the church...not caring how bloody awful virtually all of the performers were that night.

The only emotion I saw on their faces was slight discomfort and a yearning to be home...wrapped up in their Snuggies...eating...drinking in their comfy chairs....leaving their cocoon only for a Sunday Funday pub crawl in which they can do and wear the exact same thing they do at home.

Pissing and shitting themselves and their lives away in solid gold slovenliness...