They Need Her On That Wall

On Tuesday evening, January 8th 2008 around 10:30pm EST, all of the conservative douche bag ass wipe pundits in our country breathed a collective sigh of relief. Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary.

They would survive.

More vehement than any ardent liberal, the Republican Party and their imbecilic propaganda machine want Hillary Clinton to win the 2008 election. How would they define themselves if she didn't win? Who would they have to go after? How would they be able to sell their advertising time to justify remaining on the air?

Sure, they could throw a few things at Obama..call him the "Magic Negro"...get some people like Al Sharpton all riled up...but it wouldn't be the same. Obama makes too many people feel empowered. He is too well liked, even by some conservatives, and he is into that whole post partisan thing. Where's the fun in that?

I watched with glee after Obama won Iowa and heard Rush Limbaugh, at one moment elated about Hillary coming in third and the next, obviously despondent over the fact that should Obama win the nomination for the Democrats, the campaign will be about the issues. His words said he wanted it but the tone in his voice sounded afraid. Scared, actually. If the campaign becomes about the issues, as opposed to the childish bullshit we hear on a daily basis from conservative pundits, they will be exposed for the frauds they are-completely lacking any substance and devoid of any real intelligence.

If you take away Hillary Clinton, how in the world are you going to get people to be pissed off and frightened? So afraid that they will vote for whomever the Republicans put up there. I submit that the game plan for the Republican Party in 2008 is this: Hillary Clinton. That's all they have left in the tank. They are going to have their asses handed to them in Congress this fall. They hate all their candidates and can't agree on any of them. They need Hillary to win the nomination in such a bad way you are starting to hear the hopefulness each time a new poll comes out with her ahead in a certain state.

Now, some have asked me: what will you do if Obama wins? What will you blog about? Well, I imagine that this blog will change. I'm sure I will crank out a rant or two on video games and the butt zombies that play them. Or a nice literary dicking of Minnesota drivers. But I suspect, for the most part, this will be a blog that focuses more on the work that needs to be done to get us back to a better place. It will be a hub for the New Camelot, if you will, that I pray is coming soon to theaters in January of 2009.

But conservative pundits like Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and Dennis Praeger? What will they do? In the beginning they might try to throw a fly in the ointment or a monkey in the wrench but after a few months they will just look like the children they are...foolish and silly. More importantly, they will look as though the world has passed them by--moving on to more worthwhile endeavors with a high degree of emotional intelligence.

They need Hillary. They need her on that wall. They have to have someone to crucify. It is their rasion d'etre and they won't survive without her.

A Response

This is response to a post by Kevin over on Smallest Minority. The quotes are from his post or from the comments after the post.

Thanks for bringing this debate out front. I'd like to start my response with a fundamental error in judgement of myself that I think all of you have made. I guess it's understandable considering that any slight wavering away from canon here means socialism-failure-death-destruction.

Fundamentally, I have no problem with capitalism. I have no problem with CEOs making more money than their employees. Back in the day of say...George Romney (father of Mitt)...CEO salaries were just fine. Mr. Romney drew a salary of 250K at American Motors. Adjusted for inflation today, that is a couple of million. Still OK in my mind. Now, we have CEOs making much more than that and, in many cases, getting fired and leaving with hundreds of millions of dollars. Quite simply, this is sadly unfair.

What I would like to see in our culture is more companies like this one:

http://www.hermanmiller.com/

This would be an example of participative management. All of the employees feel invested in the company, regardless of their salaries, and thus, are intrinsically motivated. Their company is a huge success because of, not in spite of, collectivism. And that's the real problem here. We don't have enough people in this country that are intrinsically motivated. They are extrinsically motivated and, as a result, our culture produces people lacking in inspiration and motivation.

Your example from comments, Kevin, is appropriate here. If you divided up the pot amongst rich people and poor people, you say the poor would still be poor and the rich would still be rich. This shows a fundamental, almost Galton-esque attitude towards hereditary genius. I disagree. I think there are some rich people who haven't a clue how to run a business and some poor people who would shine at it. I do agree, though, that for able bodied individuals there should never be any sort of entitlement.

"for taking the time to explain things to the clueless among us. I just rack the shotgun."

And you wonder why gun rights folks get a bad name. Mainly this quote is important because it implies that I am clueless or lacking in intelligence. I'm not. Intelligence is the capacity for goal-directed and adaptive behavior. It involves the abilities to profit from experience, solve problems, and reason effectively. I would also add that serious individual reflection plays a large role in intelligence. With the possible exception of Bilgemen, for everyone on this blog, it seems (correct me, please, if I am wrong), that the experience is this:

1. Everyone is afforded equal chance in this country. (I could barely write this sentence without laughing btw)

2. Those that don't make it are all lazy and want to thieve from my wallet.

3. All rich people made their money honestly and through hard work and should be given the worship and adoration they deserve. (Also having trouble not laughing)

4. Anyone critical of rich people are leftists filled with envy who would all seize control and throw our country into a boiling pit of sewage.

My experience has been, with the parents of school children that I see every day, that our society is built for division. The bottom line is the poor people don't have any ladders to climb out. They don't have a choice, Kevin. They really don't. I see it. You don't. Until you move beyond the limited, albeit valid, experience you have had until now (i.e. the lazy beer drinkers with the 52 inch plasma TV), you will never understand this inequality and how bad it has become.

To be clear, BOTH political parties are to blame for this. The "rich fucking republicans" maintain control of their money with their armies of accountants and lawyers. So much for individual effort and responsibilities, eh? Many liberals and Dems want people to stay on the government tit, ensuring continued support for their machine. In the end, everyone gets what they want: no ladders out. That's why I support someone like Barack Obama. This is what he wants to do: destroy the current system and build ladders. I agree, though, he needs to get to the specifics.

There are always going to be people that think that the distribution of wealth is unfair. I agree with you to a certain extent on this point. But my example of Joe Smith is still valid. Joe gets a right to free legal defense, not as good as rich person might get, but he still gets one. So why not a financial defense? A defense from all of the companies who everyday are trying to increase their profits and doing so by fucking over Joe.

"That freedom, that immense human idea, is what has made America what it is. It is responsible for the vast wealth we have made here. It has drawn the best minds from every culture around the world, fired their imaginations, and it has made people rich."

That may have been true at one time. That America is gone. It has been replaced by Blackwater and Haliburton. I wonder what Orwell would think of these companies. What do you think he would think, hmm? Anyway, I wish that America would come back because I miss it. Our society is becoming more oligarchic every day. We are not good capitalists anymore. We are bad ones. Don't take that to mean that I want to be good socialists or communists. We have let the corporations of our country whir out of control and have allowed the people that run them to manage our lives by essentially having company reps installed in our government. These are the people that control the media, Kevin, not the fantasy of the "liberal elite."

"An inalienable right to "pursue happiness" means freedom."

More and more each day, this right is being taken away. The fundamental difference between you and I, Kevin, is who each of us thinks is responsible.

Ah, The Onion...

Will someone please explain to me how The Onion is never ripped by the conservative douche bag pundit machine? True, they are equal in their satire but let's face it, when they get it right, as with this hilarious column forwarded to me by Crabmaster, they really get it right!

Money quote:

You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats.

New Hampshire Predictions

Quick post today because I am busy. Here are my predictions for the primary in New Hampshire.

Barack Obama will win by a large margin, with Hillary in second and Edwards in third. I think Gravel and Kuecinich will drop out...why they haven't up until now is bizarre. Richardson might hang around for awhile to see if he can pick up his home state but we are really at a three horse race right now.

If things keep going the way they are, it might actually be a one horse race. The American people are responding to Obama's message. They feel empowered and actually give a shit. It's cool! Some people (mostly conservative) either aren't listening or they don't get it. Or both. Very sad. The cynic in me says that it's about time for him to be killed. Too many people would be happy with an Obama presidency and we all know that happy Americans mean less power for....well, you know who.

For the Republicans, I predict a McCain victory with Romney a close second and Giuliani a surprising third place. The soul of the Republican party is on the line this year, folks, and I'm not sure we will know who the nominee is until the convention here in my home state of St. Paul. How about all of you? Any predictions?

Hope

Hope is not blind optimism.

Hope is not sitting on the sidelines or shirking from a fight.

Hope is that thing inside all of us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that there is something greater inside all of us.


-Senator Barack Obama, Jan 4, 2007.

Hillary = Dick

I just heard in the Ed Schultz show that Hillary gave speech today in New Hampshire that sounded an awful lot like Dick Cheney. Apparently she told a crowd right after she got off the plane that we are probably going to get hit again, like 9-11, and she is the one that can stop it...or something like that. She also spoke of her experience and reading of daily intelligence briefs.

I haven't been able to find any video or audio yet so if anyone knows of a link, let me know.

WOW

Boy was I wrong. And you know what? I think it's time for me to stop being such cynic. I made a promise to my in laws that I am happily going to keep: I will never make fun of Iowa again.

Folks, the message from last night's caucus was about change. The people of the United States of America are tired of the same old bullshit. They turned out in record numbers to send a message to Washington. In my father in laws town alone they had ten times the amount of caucus goers. Memo to the Bush regime: people don't like you. In fact, they hate you and what you have done to this great nation. Iowa has spoken.

They want to be able to make a difference again. Words cannot describe how happy I am being wrong.

I thought that money would outweigh faith and I was wrong. But Mike Huckabee, outspent by Romney 15 to 1, won the Republican Iowa caucus. True, Huckabee and I disagree on many things but he is a good man with his heart in the right place. In some ways, as I watched him give his victory speech last night, he reminded me of a sort of JFK for the religious right. He is saying all the right things, mainly because he actually believes them. I think he is going to do much better in New Hampshire than anyone suspects.

Romney needs to win New Hampshire. If he doesn't, he is through. He put everything into these first two states. If I were Thompson, I would be embarrassed. John McCain, a man who ran a lazier campaign in Iowa than ol' Fred, is tied for third with him. Hee Hee!!

And then there is the Senator from Illinois...wow. I listened to him speak last night and I heard Jack, Bobby, and Dr. King. I cried. The torch has been passed. His trouncing of Hillary did my heart proud and it shows that people want a candidate who is going to change things. They want someone new, someone young, someone warm, and someone honest....four things Hillary is not and never will be. Now we are onto the real test. If Obama can place even a close second in New Hampshire, it will be a great race to Super Tuesday on February 5th. Edwards has to do something in New Hampshire or he is done. I suspect his defeat in Iowa is ringing more deep than we know at present. If Hillary somehow manages to lose New Hampshire, she is done.

And the conservative slime ball machine will begin shitting themselves on a daily basis. Who will they have to crucify? I heard Rush Limbaugh say it best last night on Fox: the campaign will be about the issues. That's right, bitch. If my guy gets the nomination for the Dems, bring it on!

Are you scared yet? You should be....

Let The Games Begin!!!

The Election of 2008 officially begins today with the Iowa caucus. I wonder how many times the word "Iowa" has been said in the last week. Probably the same amount of times a man has drank a beer in a bar to the song "Ramblin' Man" by the Allman Brothers.

Personally, I am very excited as it marks the beginning of the end of worst presidency in US history. It also, I hope, is the end of the "conservatives making up a bunch of idiotic and maniacal bullshit, stating it as fact, and then accusing the media/schools/universities/old ladies/puppies of being traitors when they don't buy into it" phase of our country's history.

Regardless of who wins, a page will be turned. And, unless it's Fred Thompson or Hillary Clinton, our nation will be moving forward. Thank the Lord!

OFFICIAL ENDORSEMENTS
It will come as a shock to no one that Notes From the Front officially endorses Rudy Giulianni and Barack Obama for the office of President. I think that each of these men have what it takes, in abundance, to be the leader of the free world.

Each man is different and, in many cases, opposite views on many of the issues. Several of you have asked me how I can support both of them. The easiest answer is that I have opposing views inside of myself. Unlike many conservatives, I don't set my mind in stone and become an immovable object. There are a myriad of problems in the world and it is not my belief that there is only solution.


In fact, there could be several and each of these men have the integrity, intelligence, and intellectual curiosity to explore. When I say explore, I mean EXPLORE!! Our Mayor and the Man Who Could Change The World will push themselves to the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical limit to serve their country, much more so than any other candidate.

So, as we move forward in this primary and caucus season, bear in mind these words above. Whatever party you belong to, these are the best people suited for the job. Vote for them. Make me proud!

OFFICIAL PREDICTIONS

I am going to be running a series of predictions for each caucus and primary. On the day of each one, I (or a guest poster) will be putting up who will rank first, second, and third in each party. Today we have Iowa.

This one is a huge one. Whoever wins, on either side, will have the wind of the media frenzy of 2008 at their back. On the Republican side, Romney and Huckabee seemed locked in a dead heat. Romney has spent a ton of money in Iowa and New Hampshire and if he loses either, he might be done. Thompson is still out there uninspiring people. McCain has been surging recently as well. Sadly, Guilianni doesn't seem to have a prayer here.

In the end, I think it will play out like this: ROMNEY (first) HUCKABEE (second) MCCAIN (third). Too many people in Iowa like Mitt Romney. He has also spent enough money to make people like him. This will be the highest Huckabee will every rank for the rest of the primary season. McCain is like the old grandpa that everyone loves so he will be buoyed by a third place finish. Thompson will come on fourth (yawn) and Giulianni last. Duncan Hunter and Alan Keyes will be finished. And then there is Ron Paul....

I have to say that I have no idea where he will finish but he could be a wild card that will surprise people-even me!!

Turning to the Democrats, we are in a virtual three way tie. I don't think Richardson, Biden, Dodd, Kuecinich, and Gravel will be around much longer because the Dems seem to focusing on the trifecta of Clinton, Edwards, and Obama.

Hillary is in trouble. Big trouble. If she comes in third, which is very possible based on the polls, it's going to be real hard to get anywhere in New Hampshire. If she does somehow manage to win Iowa, she will get the nomination. No one expects here to win Iowa and if she does, it's over. Edwards needs Iowa bad. He has spent a lot of time there-travelling to every county in the state. If he wins, he has a chance at New Hampshire and much of the south. If he doesn't, he is probably done as well. If Obama wins Iowa, with Edward in second, he will have a ton of mo' behind him and will quite possibly take New Hampshire as well. Even if he comes in second, he could still do alright in the later states.

In the end, I think it will play out like this: EDWARDS (first), OBAMA (barely second), CLINTON (third). Folks, I hate to be the one to say this but I know, from first hand experience, that much of Iowa are bigots. They don't like black people. The four hundred dollar haircut aside, Edwards is a man and he is white. I wish I was wrong but I don't think I am. The youth of Iowa will catapult Obama into second place and Hillary will be wondering what the heck is going on.

So those are my picks, what are yours?

BEST OF 2007

Well, it's that time of the year again: my picks of the best television, film, and music of the year. So many good offerings to choose from but, alas, only one pick for each category.

BEST TV SHOW

Recovered yet from the last episode of The Sopranos? Many haven't. As the show abruptly ended to the strains of "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey, my heart sank as I thought, at the time, that an era had come to an end. Sure there are plenty of other great shows but there was nothing like The Sopranos.

And there never would be. I have to say that I really feel it is the best show of all time. The word "stunning" doesn't even come close to describing the final episodes of this wondrous show. So when it ended on June 10th, a strong sense of melancholy enveloped me. There would never be another show like this one. That lasted all of five weeks. Because on July 19, the heir apparent to The Sopranos debuted on AMC.

Mad Men is as good as The Sopranos. And, in many ways, it's cooler. So fucking cool! The show takes place in New York City, at a Madison Avenue Ad firm, in the year 1960. Can anyone say Kennedy Era Cool? Men were men and women were...well...they were sex objects. Many a hair has been pulled from my wife's head by her own hands due to the fact that the show is VERY historically accurate in regards to men's attitudes about women in that time period. Ah..the good ol' days......:)

Martinis, office romances, chicks, and groovy cats are combined with the same pathos and ethos that we saw on the Sopranos. That makes sense because Matthew Wiener, former producer on the Sopranos, is the creator of the show. Several Mad Men episodes have been written by Sopranos alum so it's no wonder that this show, just like the one in New Jersey, delves deeply into the human psyche and the nature of the beast. And that beast, folks, is lust. Yum! And it's against the backdrop of one of the coolest cities in one of the most mega times in our history.

Oh, and let's not forget Christina Hendricks (left). Words cannot describe the ass on this woman. Spectacular? Perfect? Direct from the Lord, our God? All of these do not do it justice. The episode "Babylon" (number 6 in a 13 episode first season) does a much better job of illustrating the glory and the power of Hendricks' booty more than any words of mine. This episode is also an excellent place to test the waters, if you will, to see if you like the show. Pause for a moment and check her out in the red dress above....holy friholies!!!! I love the cigarette...the look on her face....yeah, she knows that she is it....I-T....IT!!

AMC is currently re-running the first season on Mondays at 11pm. You can also download the show here on itunes. Do yourself a favor: fix a martini, work a little skirt (sorry, gals, I am in the moment and time period of the show) and check it out!

BEST FILM
Over the past three years I have always chosen serious films as my Best Film of the Year. This year, I thought it was high time to choose something a little lighter.

Knocked Up is the Best Picture of 2007. And it's not because it is fluff. Yes, it's funny, goofy, silly, and kinda light. But this film is truly an honest look at what it's like when you first learn that you are going to be a parent and what it's like when you are a parent. Ben (Seth Rogen) and Alison (Katherine Heigl) (left) hook up, accidentally get pregnant, and have a baby. The story centers around the evolution in their relationship as these events progress.

Some people I have talked to about this film don't get the point. In fact, I recall a conversation with a female friend of mine at a volleyball open gym in which she told me, "If this is the best film of the year, then this year is sad." Clearly, she didn't get it.

As I watched the story unfold, I was catapulted back to the days of when I first became a parent. Even the supporting cast, Alison's sister and family, perfectly illustrate what it's like to be in a long term relationship and attempting to be intimate with a six year old and four year old running around. In other words, to have a family. While the film uses 12 year old boy-sex-and-bathroom-humor as a shtick throughout most of the film (throw up on the seat next to you-hilarious btw), it juxtaposes this with the honest emotions of romantic and family relationships. Quite simply, it is wonderful, hilarious, and dirtily honest...or honestly dirty.

And that's just the way good art should be.

BEST CD

This was a tough one for me. It was down to two CDs. The first was The Coral, Roots and Echoes, a gorgeous record, filled with beautiful music. Every track is great and, I have to say, really was my choice for CD of the Year until about a week ago.

I have always thought that music is a passion of youth. When we listen to it, we feel young again. We remember that first time we kissed someone and really meant it...and felt it. We think back to that time when something really cool happened. We connect with that part of ourselves that is non-linear and we, like Billy Pilgrim, become unstuck in time. For a moment we are there. Really there...and it is wonderful.

So, I turned to my youth...my children...and, while they love Roots and Echoes, they are insane about Costello Music by The Fratellis (above). I debated long and hard about this one because the CD came out in the UK in Nov 2006 and the US in March of 2007. Since I go buy the UK release date, was it an official 2007 release?

Well, I decided to relax my rules a bit because every track on this disc is great and the B-sides on all the singles are equally as mega. Plus, I think I played this CD every day in 2007. Wow! They sound like mixture of David Bowie, The Pogues, The Jam, and the Sex Pistols. Making them even cooler is the fact that this was the first band I took my kids to see. On July 29th of 2007, my son and daughter got to see their first show, an in-store at the Electric Fetus, the coolest CD store on the planet. Later that night my wife and I watched them perform at the Varsity Theater and it was fucking great.

Aside from the music, these three guys just have a lot of fun. They really enjoy what they do and pour all of their energy into their music. It really shows. I highly recommend picking up this disc and downloading all their B-Sides to their singles. Being a band from the UK (natch), they have songs on their singles that aren't on the album.

So those are my picks for 2007. What are yours? As always, comments are open.

Vital Information

I thought I would end the year on a fun note. I found this web site which lays to rest all previous thoughts, opinions, and stories about just what exactly is average penis size. There are charts and graphs and all sorts of scientific data to back up the fact that average size is 6. 16 inches.

Girth is 4.84 inches.

Ah, well, it's nice to be .84 inches above average, length wise, but how does one measure girth? Is it similar to when you measure your waist?

Holiday Greetings

I found this great web site with photos of holidays past. Very funny and hauntingly similar to some photos of my own family.

Over the next few days, I will be putting up small posts here and there. On January 2nd, I will be posting my annual Best of column. The next day, January 3rd, is the Iowa caucus so look forward to daily posts regarding the most exciting election since......well, maybe the last one!

Sad Day

The former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto was assassinated today in Pakistan. She was shot in the neck by an attacker who promptly blew himself up and killed 22 other people at a rally.

As I have said on many, many occasions, the situation in Pakistan is getting worse everyday. It is the most dangerous country on the planet right now and I don't know about you but I don't feel very comfortable in our current leadership's ability to handle what comes next.

If I were president, I would re-deploy at least several thousand troops from Iraq to Afghanistan at best possible speed. Pakistan is a powder keg, ripe for takeover by Al Qaeda. We have got to start addressing this situation seriously.

Holiday Grab Bag

It's been quite some time since I did a Grab Bag and what better time of the year than Christmas?

Well, folks, Markie Claus has got a few things that have really been chewing on his ass over the last few months and I feel, from the bottom of my heart, it's time to share...way past time to share.

In fact, I NEED to share. This stuff has really been building for quite some time (I know! I know! I need to do Grab Bags more often)

So there's quite a bit here...please take your time and as always, post your rants in comments below this post.

MY BOYFRIEND....MY BOYFRIEND...MY BOYFRIEND

I think that I am going to have a card lamented, which I will carry with me at all times in my wallet. This card will be handed to women (unknown to me personally) I have talked to, I am talking with, or could possibly talk to at some point throughout the course of my visits to various places. It will say the following:

Hello. My name is Mark. When I come to (insert name of bar/club/restaurant/shop/etc where we currently are), I enjoy a friendly conversation. This should NEVER be misconstrued for me hitting on you. Therefore, you do not have to mention that you have a boyfriend in the first few minutes or so of me being friendly to you. I assure that you I am not interested in you "that way" at all because of the following:

1. I have filthy, ball draining sex on a regular basis.
2. Many of the orgasms I do have leave me completely drained and in no mood whatsoever for sex.
3. I have no need to hit on women who work at (insert name of bar/club/restaurant/shop/etc where we currently are) as I can (and have since I was seventeen) have sex with pretty much any woman (or man for that matter) I desire with a minimal amount of effort.
4. I have a large group of female friends, all of whom I love and cherish very much, have known for many years, are very, very hot (I assure you) and would be very interested in sticking their sweet asses up in the air at me (in the way that all women should greet a man) if I were not married. Rest assured, the line is quite long in front of you, so don't flatter yourself.
5. If, at some time throughout the course of the evening, I do flirt with you, I will be extremely obvious about it saying things like..."Hey, you have a nice mouth" or "I wonder what your ass would look like in the reverse cowgirl position. Would you let me spread it so I could really get a nice, open view of you?" Then, AND ONLY THEN, can you mention that you have a boyfriend and tell me some stupid ass story about something incredibly fucking lame you did together recently.
6. Please kindly remove the giant pole you have in your ass and take the time to be friendly to me in return as I can pretty much guarantee you that the simple act of getting to know me will make a positive difference in your life.

FUCK SNACKS

People in this country are fucking fat asses. And it's getting worse everyday. It's just that simple. The other day I was walking into Target and I said to myself, "I wonder how long it will take before I see a fat person?" Before I got to the word "wonder" in my head, I saw two porkers walking out of the exit doors. I took another step and I saw someone so incredibly large that they could barely move. In fact, I don't think "walking" would be a word I would use to describe what he was doing...it was more of a waddle combined with pained look on his face due to the fact that his enormous weight was preventing him from doing even the most basic of tasks....PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!!!

At a recent holiday meal, I observed members of my extended family stuffing their faces full of food only to curl up in a ball a half hour later and fall asleep.....at 12:30pm during the middle of the day!!! Is this what we have become? A nation of babies that need their num nums and nappys? What a bunch of weak and pathetic simpletons!!

But the real problem is really the snacking. This is where the pork begins. You might be surprised to learn this but the PTO (Parent Teacher Organization) at my daughter's school has an item in its budget for snacks....for themselves!! What the...?? My wife, a member of the PTO's board, questioned the need for this and was pummelled with questions/comments such as:

"WHAT? Don't you like snacks? Who doesn't like snacks?

"They make these meetings more enjoyable."

"Why would YOU want to take them away...huh...huh...HUH?"

"Hey! We need our snacks."

Actually, no you don't fucking need your snacks, fat ass. Take a look in the mirror. What you need is to push yourself away from the shit food you shovel into your mouth, join a gym, and you might live to see your grandchildren. And while you're at it, stop giving your children so many snacks...and bad ones at that. I was recently observing a sixth grade class, for my continuing education, and was stunned to find the instructor, since the children were not allowed to go to music for bad behavior that day, declare that it would be snack time instead. Huh? Great way to reward bad behavior. Oh, and by the way, it was 9:45am for crying out loud!!!

And you wouldn't believe the spreads these kids laid out....chocolate bars, donuts, chips, candy...not one healthy item in sight. No wonder our kids are apathetic. They eat shit on a daily basis and are fat as well. People in this country have got to stop relieving emotional stress by eating. We have become snackoholics, constantly grazing at even the mere thought of anything stressful. It's disgusting. It's weak. And it will ultimately prove to be our downfall.

I am not kidding.

LET'S NOT

Can we please permanently retire the phrase "Let's Do This" from all films and television programs? I know there is a writer's strike on, folks, but if I hear this phrase one more time, especially if it is at a tense moment when the protagonists are about to propel themselves into a dangerous situation, I will drive a tank to Hollywood, seeking out every writer who has written this line, and introduce them to artillery. And don't try to get cute with me by saying, "Let's Do This Thing" instead. It's the same fucking thing and it is really, really played.

TRENDATHONS

I thought we were done with the whole triathlon thing, like eight years ago and stuff, but apparently not. Over the course of this past summer and fall, I had several guys boast of their triathlon training and competitions. You know what, guys? You are completely full of shit and the only reason why you compete in these things (if you actually do and aren't just saying it to sound cool in front of chicks at bars) is that you want to be like everyone else. You are following a trend. A trend that is way past its time and, quite frankly, way out of your physical capability. Go play a girl's sport..like volleyball or tennis.

IT SAVED MY MARRIAGE

Those of you who know me personally know that I think cabins are complete waste of time. Apparently so does Patrick Reusse who wrote this hilarious column last June about the anal fisting that is owning and (endlessly) going to a cabin. For me, I would rather be gang raped in prison than take a trip to a cabin. The word "lame" in relation to the word "cabin" is perhaps the largest understatement in the history of understatements. What Reusse accurately describes in his column above barely scratches the surface of the insane bullshit that people go through with cabins.

Why they put up with this is beyond me. Perhaps they are sadists. Or perhaps they are stupid cows who have to do what everyone else does. The very idea of maintaining two homes, spending weekend hours in traffic, and hanging out in a largely rural area with guys named Mel and Willis, discussing their fiendish, weekend plot of overhauling their Camaro makes me want refund my collective meals for the day.

Stunning me even further was the recent statement made by someone I met at a party. We were making the usual small talk when the subject of cabins came up. She asked me if I had one and I said no, with my friends next to me snickering. When she asked why they were laughing, they told her that I hate cabins.

"WHAT?!!!?"

was the loud blast from her mouth. "How can you be a Minnesotan and not like cabins?" I didn't say anything. "You know, Mark, if it wasn't for our cabin, my marriage would be over."

A million flies could have flown into my mouth. She then went on to tell me a long tale of her husband, his laziness, her diligence, and how working on the cabin brought them together. I stopped drinking after that point because alcohol is a depressant and I knew any more liquor would send me into a downward spiral. At least, though, I got to hear one more bit of insanity to add to the mountainous pile of crap that falls under the category "The Cabin and Why We Must Love It (Seig Heil!!)

COOL DUDES
Add up all the irritation detailed above, multiply it by....oh.....a million and you still wouldn't come close to the level of outright anger I feel when I see this...and I seem to multiple times a week....

Take a look at these two pictures. The top photo is how one is supposed to sit in a car (and it's a CAR, not a fucking "vehicle."Just because you are saying a word with three syllables, doesn't mean you are smart) while you are driving. Now take a look at the photo on the bottom. People who sit like this while they are driving deserve a fucking shovel to the head. Or a ball-peen hammer...whatever is handy.

For the most part, it is men between the ages of 19-28, an age group that already brings new depth and meaning to the word "moron."Man oh man, do they look like gigantic assholes when they sit like this in their cars. I know that y'all think you look cool, all mack daddy and pimped out, when you lean your body to the middle of the front seat in your 1993 Ford Escort but you are, in fact, NOT. You look like a fucking douche bag so do yourself a favor: sit up and drive like a fucking man!!

And if you want to be cool, go contribute something to your community or help out at an old folks home, instead of being another walking (oops! driving) example of how truly mindless, asinine, and imbecilic our country has become.

Calling All Fredheads!!!

Great article on Fred yesterday in the CSM. You all know that I am not a fan but for those of you that are, I think you will like it. It is very well balanced...as the Monitor always is.

(Yes, I know I am shamelessly plugging the CSM but gol darn it! They actually report the news!!)

Why Am I Not Surprised?

A story today in the CSM details how the Bush Administration, over the last four years or so, controlled what government scientists said about climate change, even going as far as editing reports and purposefully omitting key findings.

I have noticed, over the course of the last year or so, a concerted effort by right wing pundits to go out of their way to find people that don't agree with climate change. Fox News, whenever running stories about climate change, runs a crawl with list of scientists who don't agree that human CO2 emissions are accelerating global warming. They usually tie in to these stories accusations of threats, made by people like Al Gore and the IPCC , to those scientists who don't agree, oddly spinning this fantasy into a realm of complete unreality.

It's quite obvious, and I especially hope so after this report, that the only information doctoring and threats being made are actually by the Bush Administration and conservatives. Ah, I really can't wait until Jan of 2009 when the era of "making shit up, declaring it to be true and anyone who doesn't think so is bent on the destruction of America" is over.

U.S. Versus US

Someone requested this a while back. I decided to spend some time refining it and adding a few things in the mix. So, without further adieu....

THE EIGHT (AND COUNTING) WAYS THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION AND THE AHMADDINEJAD ADMINISTRATION ARE EXACTLY ALIKE.
1. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad are in power due to the support of religious extremists who want to force people to live their lives a certain way.

2.. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad have one central goal in mind: control the world's oil reserves and reap large profit for their respective countries.

3. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad believe that it is manifest destiny that their way is the RIGHT way.

4. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad seek to eliminate or skew any information, whether it is the media, the education system, or any other outlet of knowledge, that does not go along with this manifest destiny listed in #3.

5. In order to achieve 1-4, both Bush and Ahamadinejad use the logical fallacy of "appeal to fear" on a gullible population to achieve these ends.

6. Both Bush and Ahmadinejad have a irrational fear of homosexuals, leading them to create policies and propagate the belief that it can be "cured." (See: Hitler+Jews=Final Solution)

7. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad could care less about serving their countries' or their people's interests.

8. Both Bush and Ahamadinejad have one central conviction: their own vanity.

Weekend Fun

One of my friends, who goes by the handle hippydippy chick, sent me this nice one.

In case you hadn't heard about this latest Supreme Court decision...

Have you heard the latest?The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas Season.This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol.There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!

More Victories

This has been a pretty great week. First, the good guys (on both sides) scored a major victory in regards to Iran. More information about how the NIE report was confirmed is detailed in the Times today. Apparently, our military intelligence got wind of several conversations/arguments between Iranian military personnel. Other intelligence agencies confirmed this as well. I guess there was quite a heated debated in the situation room recently between Cheney and some intelligence officers in regards to whether or not this was a ruse designed to throw us off.

Cooler, more reasoned minds prevailed (i.e. the ones who don't have to continually have to make up for small penis size by bombing people) and hopefully we can have an end to the incessant "appeal to fear" politics we have had for the last seven years.

Oh, and here's a great bit on Ahmadinejad's reaction. Read between the lines on this one. He is not happy. Sure, declaring victory was an easy one to predict but where can he go now? The only support he has he gets from standing up to the "Great Satan." Exactly how is that going to happen now? Hee Hee...I love it.

And of course we have poor President Chavez. Gosh, I hope you all can feel how bad (NOT!) I feel for Short Stuff not being able to declare himself dictator for the rest of his life. What a shame. The look on his face, seen in the link above, when he found out that he wasn't as well loved as he thought...kinda reminded me of another president when he found out Iran had abandoned its nuclear program.

The Wind From Their Sails

The Director of National Intelligence has done it again. Gol Darn it all!! He's spoiling everything for all those folks in the White House (and John McCain) who want to bomb Iran. Yesterday saw the release of a NIE (National Intelligence Estimate) on Iran's nuclear capability.

And, oh what a report.

Basically, Iran has abandoned its plans to build a nuclear weapon. The declassified summary states with "high confidence" that they did so in 2003 and, up until mid 2007, have not resumed construction. The report goes onto to say that international diplomatic pressure forced the Iranian government to cease pursuing the goal of a nuclear arsenal.

While they are continuing to produce fissionable material, it is quite obvious that it is going to be used for energy needs. Of course, this doesn't mean that they are ceasing the production of weapons all together. Nor are they declaring to stop assisting various terror groups around the world.

But they are definitely not the grand threat that Bush and Cheney have made them out to be. That ship has sailed. Their dreams of appealing to fear have been dashed and I am skipping with glee!! In other words, the intelligence agencies of our country have called them on their bullshit.

To be clear, Iran is still a problem and needs to be closely monitored. They are a threat, no doubt, and we need to be vigilant. Most importantly, though, we need to be smart. From day one, my biggest gripe about the Bush administration is that they are incredibly incompetent at assessing threats to our country and act in a such a way that it actually makes the problem worse.

One need simply look at how they have handled the 9-11 attacks (pre and post), Iraq, and Katrina to see how poorly they manage crises. Of course, this may have been the intent all along ("See how awful big government is? We need to privatize everything!" aka "Let's help all my pals get rich by forcing miserable people, with no other choice, into serfdom.") and I, for one, am very happy that they won't get this one. And, do you know who else won't?

President Ahmadinejad and the other hard liners of Iran.

See, what I am going to be laughing my ass off about, when I hear all the little neo-fasicists like Michelle Malkin, Bill Kristol, Rush Limbaugh, and some of YOU who post here screaming about how this report is screwed up/a liberal tool/distorted by the liberal media/has already killed several angels in heaven, is how this is a huge victory for us. Why?

1. We have proven to the world that we can penetrate their security with our intelligence apparatus.
2. We have taken the bluster out of Ahmadinejad. His biggest bargaining chip is gone. He has no defense, to speak of really, against regime change, from within or without.
3. They know that we will be watching.

As a result, we can pretty much run the table on them anywhere we want now in the Middle East. Hell, they have already caved on Iraq by ceasing most arm shipments to Iraq and assisting with security. And they look like fools for being the only country in the region to not attend the Annapolis conference on a Israeli-Palestinian solution.

See what happens when you're smart about confronting your enemy. See what happens when you recognize war for what it is: just another political tendril. See how effective forceful diplomacy can truly be. Now, imagine what is going to happen when President Obama takes us all to the next level.

I can't wait.

Well Well Well...

Yesterday's Vikings game was yet another example of me being wrong...and loving every minute of it!! Maybe I was a little harsh on ol' Chilly. Damn, did they look good yesterday.

I have to tell you all-if Peterson stays healthy, they can play with anyone. Jackson is coming around at QB. I love that new wide receiver, Allison. And the defense seems to be hitting and sticking teams into submission.

In looking at the remainder of the Cardinal's and Lion's schedules, I really like the Vikes chances at a playoff berth. The game that worries me the most, of the next four, is San Francisco. We always fall asleep to the easy teams. Here's hoping that we put another 40+ points on the board!!